An Uncensored Live Blog Of The SEC Championship Game

Published December 5, 2010 - 9:39pm

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Coming off the hit uncensored Iron Bowl live blog, Saturday Down South writer William Wallace brings to you his uncensored thoughts while watching the dismantling of the South Carolina Gamecocks courtesy of the Auburn Tigers.

Pregame:

The Georgia Dome is once again home to a QB with criminal tendencies.  Michael Vick could learn a thing or two from Cam Newton.  If only Vick would have blamed the Dog Fighting on his Dad, he’d still be the Falcons QB.

Gene Chizik gives Tracy Wolfson a pregame interview that could only be described as space invading/date rapey.  I was so worried I was about to watch a sexual assault that I missed the context of the interview.

13:38 1^st

Auburn runs a double reverse, a fumblerooski, the statue of liberty, and the hook and lateral all on the first drive.  The only cheesy movie plays remaining are the lateral back to the 400 lb Billy Bob from Varsity Blues and the Running Back with a handgun play from The Last Boy Scout.

Newton has all day to throw.  He strolled around the pocket for 10 seconds then hits Onterio McCalebb for a 13 yard TD.  Onterio is a good RB, but a Great Lake.

Auburn 7 South Carolina 0 13:20 1^st

Stephen Garcia is putting on some pounds.  With the long hair and mustache he’s looking more and more like Hurley from Lost.  Despite the Quarterback’s massive increase in weight, South Carolina marches down for a quick TD.

Auburn 7 South Carolina 7 9:53 1^st

Cam Newton is sick.  The Gamecocks are playing solid D, but Newton is a mutant.  He routinely turns nothing into 16.  I don’t see South Carolina stopping him tonight.

Auburn 14 South Carolina 7 5:31 1^st

3^rd and 6, Newton throws a 54 yard TD to Darvin Adams, who now has 140 yards on 5 catches.  South Carolina Defensive Coordinator Ellis Johnson is crying on the sideline, the poor son of a bitch.   There is nothing he can do.

Auburn 21 South Carolina 7 2:09 1^st

12:54 2^nd

DT Nick Fairley is unblockable.  He blows through 2 Carolina lineman and forces Garcia to throw an INT.  I also just learned the actor who plays Hurley on Lost is Jorge Garcia.  Have you ever seen Stephen Garcia and Jorge Garcia in the same place at the same time?  They are clearly the same person.

The 2^nd Quarter has been quiet.  Verne Lundquist and Gary Danielson continue to make Vick-Newton comparison.  I understand the similarities on the field but I find it inappropriate for Danielson to call Newton “Ron Mexico Jr.”   Newton is no saint, but he isn’t exactly spreading Genital Herpes Ron Mexico style.

Garcia to Alshon Jeffery for a 2 yard TD with 16 seconds left in the half.  A magnificent drive by the Hefty Hippy.  SEC fans use the Jeffery TD to once again reflect on what a dope Lane Kiffin is.  Two years ago Kiffin told Jeffery he’d end up pumping gas if he went to South Carolina.  Now Jeffery is catching TD’s in the SEC Championship game and Kiffin is losing to Notre Dame at home.  2 years from now Jeffery will be a 1^st round pick in the NFL draft and Kiffin will still be on probation or pumping gas.  Fill her up, Lane.

Huge momentum shift for South Carolina going into the half.  Only 12 seconds left.  Nothing can go wrong.

Auburn 21 South Carolina 14 :16 2^nd

Well, I take that back.  Cam Newton completes a 51 yard Hail-Mary to Darvin Adams.  You can’t make this up.  Little Ronny Mexico is daring Heisman Voters not to vote for him.

How has Steve Spurrier not aged?  He’s looked the same for the last 20 years.

Auburn 28 South Carolina 14 Halftime

Cam Newton runs it in for his 5^th total TD of the game, as Florida fans across America go get another drink.  Had they known he was going to be this good 40,000 students would have just given him their laptops.

Auburn 35 South Carolina 14 7:56 3^rd

Ball game.  Under heavy pressure, Garcia throws a terrible pick 6 to T’Sharvan Bell.  After Spurrier threw his visor and Garcia grazed over and ate it.

Auburn 42 South Carolina 14 7:23 3^rd

Newton jukes and jumps his way to a 10 yard gain and a first down.  Line Judge Mike Taylor lost his hat on the play.  Newton picked up the hat and placed it back on Taylor’s head.  Taylor had a laugh until he realized his wallet was missing.

Newton to Emory Blake for 7 yard TD.  6 total TD’s on the day for Newton.  It’s hard to imagine, but this guy is underrated.  Passing: 335 yards, 4 TD.  Rushing: 73 yards, 2 TD.  This was a legendary performance.

Danielson believes the Heisman is Newton’s.  He went on to tell voters they need to vote for Newton, or abstain from voting.  I completely agree.

Auburn 49 South Carolina 14 11:14 4^th

I was wondering how to wrap this up, and then Tracy Wolfson drops a gift from above.  Newton walks over and gives Tracy a Gatorade bottle.  Tracy to Verne: “He said it’s the ingredients of champions, he would not tell me what was in it, but he’s calling it Cammy-Cam Juice”.  Tracy smiles for the camera, tilts her head back, shoots the juice into her mouth and says, “Not bad, a little sweet for my taste.”   Honestly, can Cam Newton’s life get any better?

Final Score Auburn 56 Auburn 17

Postgame:

The next time we see Cam Newton he will win a Heisman Trophy.  The next time we see the Auburn Tigers they will be in Arizona playing for the BCS Championship against Oregon.

Victory, much like Cam Newton’s juice, is sweet.

Tags: Alshon Jeffery, Cameron Newton, Darvin Adams, Ellis Johnson, Emory Blake, Gary Danielson, Gene Chizik, Jorge Garcia, Lane Kiffin, Michael Vick, Mike Taylor, Nick Fairley, Steve Spurrier, T'Sharvan Bell, Tracy Wolfson, Verne Lundquist