Published September 23, 2010 - 9:50am
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I grew up in the thriving metropolis of Shelbyville, Kentucky. On Sunday mornings, my family and I went to First Baptist Church in the middle of the town, and when I was young kid, I never missed a Sunday School class. We would study Bible stories and things, and I would try and impress the girls with my ability to color inside the lines. Needless to say, I was quite popular when our pictures were posted on those cork boards in the hallways. Of all the Bible stories we learned about there was on story that I was fascinated with: Job’s monster, Leviathan. Check out Job 41:
- If you lay a hand on the Leviathan, you will remember the struggle and never do it again.
- His snorting throws out flashes of light; his eyes are like the rays of dawn.
- Firebrands stream from his mouth; sparks of fire shoot out. Smoke pours from his nostrils as from a boiling pot over a fire of reeds.
- When he rises up, the mighty are terrified; they retreat before his thrashing.
- Nothing on earth is his equal, a creature without fear. He looks down on all that are haughty; he is king over all that are proud.
My teachers always told me that this Leviathan creature was a mythical one, not unlike a dragon or a solid Vanderbilt defense; they just didn’t exist. As a young guy, I was crushed. Little did I know, however, that the creature did exist, and I would cheer for him. Lo, the monster is alive, but his name is not Leviathan, but instead it is Trevathan. Danny Trevathan.
He is just as terrifying as the Scriptures warned, standing six feet and an inch tall, carrying with him two hundred and twenty pounds of pure hatred for the enemy of good, er, opposing players. The Trevathan hails from Leesburg, Florida, where he wreaked havoc on the area of Central Florida. Many climatologists nicknamed him “Hurricane Daniel.” After one game, Governor Jeb Bush declared the opposing High School to be in a “State of Emergency,” giving the Governor authority to bring in FEMA and other federal agencies.
The Trevathan continued his reign of terror since his arrival in Lexington, Kentucky in 2008. As a Freshman, The Trevathan blocked a Georgia field goal so hard that the Nike football union threatened a strike unless the footballs were guaranteed an extra layer of leather by management. Thankfully, the issues were resolved before the strike could take place.
In 2009, the effects of The Trevathan only intensified. In an away game vs. the Auburn Tigers, a small agricultural school outside of Tuscaloosa, The Trevathan recorded a staggering 14 tackles. Auburn coach “Gentile” Gene Chizik reportedly begged officials to call the game on account of gathering rain clouds. While the game continued, many conspiracy theorists claim what we now know, the clouds were gathering to cool off The Trevathan. Later that year in Athens, Georgia, Bulldog quarterback Joe “Daywalker” Cox was so impressed with The Trevathan, that he handed the ball to him at the 1 yard line for an autograph. The Trevathan was touched by the gesture, but instead took the ball and kept it as his own. After the play, The Trevathan reportedly said, “Your shame is the only ink my autograph pen needs, Mr. Cox.”
In preparation for the season, The Trevathan added fifteen pounds by allegedly ingesting entire, living, chickens. While chickens are usually difficult for humans to catch, The Trevathan kneeled and offered to tell the chickens a secret. While the chickens were skeptical, they approached and turned their heads to hear. By that time, it was of course too late. Just like the Georgia Bulldogs, they fell victim to The Trevathan.
This season, The Trevathan has been a devastating force unlike the world has seen since the extinction of dinosaurs. Against Louisville, The Trevathan had nine solo tackles, and like any good teammate, provided two assists. The Trevathan had fourteen tackles in the following two games, refusing to tackle more because he is a merciful beast, capable of love and peace.
Teammates are quick to point out that while The Trevathan is a monster on the field, he is a gentile giant off the field. Quarterback Mike Hartline reportedly said that The Trevathan always carries a pocket full of quarters everywhere he goes, in the unlikely event that his teammates get thirsty and are in need of a cold Coca Cola from a vending machine.
The word is that this summer, if you wanted to find The Trevathan, you could just head to the intramural fields on campus, where he had cones and a stopwatch, trying to teach Randall Cobb and Derrick Locke how to run with a football. The proof is in the pudding, and by pudding I mean touchdowns. Well done, Mr. Trevathan. You are truly a monster and gentleman.
And to his SEC opponents, I suggest you turn to the Good Book. It looks like you’re going to need it.