Published December 17, 2010 - 11:40am
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Hello again, old friends. It feels so good to be back in your computer monitors again. I apologize for my absence over the past few weeks, I came down with a serious illness called law school finals, and I almost died. Much like Urban Meyer’s permanent tee time, I’m back this time for good.
It seems like just yesterday the young 2010 SEC season was just beginning. The blogosphere was aflutter with bold predictions and baseless optimism. Even Vanderbilt fans were smiling. Oh how things have changed with time. Now that the dust of the regular season has settled, and a new SEC champion crowned, let us look back over the regular season with blissful, misty eyes, and take a moment to reflect on happier days.
Like any professional, well compensated, informed journalist, I choose to honor the game in my reflection. Some so called “writers” use pathetic attempts to grab page views by making cheap shots at teams and engage in high school like gossip about college athletes. You won’t see any of that childish, petty stuff here at SDS. We respect you, reader, because more than anything, you are our friends. Now, without further adieu, let us celebrate the 2010 regular season the right way, by matching each 2010 SEC program with its pop culture counterpart, in the most high school gossipy, cheap shot-ish way possible.
LSU Tigers – Lyle Lovett
When you think of Lyle Lovett, you don’t think of talent, or some country song that he allegedly sang. You think of an ugly dude that somehow convinced God to suspend the rules and allow him to marry Julia Roberts. Not even old, not hot Julia. I mean young, in her prime Julia. Picture it, old, broke Lyle Lovett and young, hot Julia Roberts, watching episodes of “Lonesome Dove” on VHS cassette late at night. Lyle Lovett will forever be remembered as the luckiest guy in the history of human relations.
Enter the 2010 LSU Tigers. Did they have talent? Yeah, I guess. Steven Ridley is pretty good for them this year; I’ll give you that. But remember how this team failed to convert on 4th and goal as time expired against Tennessee but won the game anyway? What about how they picked up a first down after the kicker picked up an incomplete pass? They won ten games with a quarterback who sported a 2:1 interception to touchdown ratio. Their head coach is nicknamed the “Mad Hatter.” The Prosecution rests, your honor.
Arkansas Razorbacks – Phil Mickelson
Phil Mickelson is the most famous #2 n the history of sports. No matter how poor the competition is playing, Phil always finds a way to play worse. If Tiger is playing great, so is Phil, right behind him. Every year the pundits declare this season to be the year of the Phil. Spoiler alert: it never is.
You see my point. Arkansas, like Phil, has all kinds of talent, relatively speaking of course. This season was supposed to be the year of the Pig. With Ryan “Too Tall” Mallett and Bobby “Now you See Me Now You Don’t” Petrino, Pig Souie was all set to have a record season. That is, until they didn’t. Don’t get me wrong, Arkansas had a good year, 10-2. BCS bowl. Ryan Mallett’s T-Rex arms. Good season, but not great. They say that Arkansas is on the rise. That’s cool, but I’ll believe it when I see it.
Georgia Bulldogs- Santa Claus
Everyone loves Santa Claus. Children all over the world clamor down the stairs every Christmas morning to see what Old St. Nick left them under the tree. As children get older, they find out that the whole thing was a lie, and St. Nick was actually a figment of their imagination. This is the timeline of every Bulldog fan’s football season. The beginning is so much fun, all kinds of hope and excitement, top rankings, National Championship predictions, coaches jumping off high dives. Before the first game of the year, Georgia fans live on the cloud right after Cloud #8. All smiles, giggles, and cookies by the fireplace. As the season progresses, the children become adults, and realize that the hope they once had is now nothing more than foolishness. To be fair, Georgia was a pretty good team with A.J. Green back, unless you’re Colorado. That’s neither here nor there. Like the shopping malls, the Georgia athletic program loves to exploit the hopes and dreams of Georgia fans, selling dreams of sugar plumbs and crystal footballs. Hey, it’s good for business, right?
Kentucky Wildcats – Gnarls Barkley
Remember that song ‘Crazy’ by Gnarls Barkley? Man that was a good song. Back in 2007. It was all over the radio; Mr. Barkley was heralded as the next Conway Twitty. Or something like that. Remember his next his song? Oh that’s right, he never had another hit song. Just like that fat guy from American Idol, that skinny guy from American Idol, that sorta hot girl but not that hot girl from American Idol, or that guy with grey hair from American Idol, Gnarls was a one hit wonder.
See the connection? Kentucky beat South Carolina, effectively ending Scar’s national relevance hopes. That was pretty cool, and everyone was talking about Kentucky being on the verge of breaking out. And then they didn’t. With the top passing offense in the SEC for a time, two of the top receivers in the league, a top five running back, and a First Team All American, Kentucky only won six games, and only one of any relevance. Just like Gnarls Barkley, Kentucky faded into obscurity, and made no real effort to climb out of it.
Vanderbilt Commodores – Angry Birds
If you have an iPhone or Android device, chances are you’ve played that Angry Birds game. Those cute little birds shoot from a slingshot and try to knock apart poorly built wooden structures so that they can squish green pigs with no appendages. No one knows why the birds are so angry, something about the eggs. Anyway, it’s a fun little time waster but at the end of the day, it bears zero relevance on your real life.
You guessed it: Vanderbilt is the fun little time waster with zero relevance on the Southeastern Conference. It’s cute that they have a football program, but this side of Jay Cutler, they have failed to do anything other than save money on jerseys by not putting player names on the back. As Robbie Caldwell and Bobby Johnson have proven, you can quit whenever you want.
Alabama Crimson Tide – Cigar Guy
If you don’t know who the Cigar Guy is, you must live under a rock or still have a 56k Internet connection. Maybe both. Some photographer took a picture of Tiger Woods at the Ryder Cup, and in the backgroud in a guy with a cigar in his mouth. It was great. Everyone was talking about the Cigar Guy, and how cool he was, and trying to find out who he was. The talking heads theorized that the Cigar Guy was a brilliant, hip, gentleman that is obviously so stylish and cool that he must always dress that way and smoke cigars. When the truth came out, it was just a coincidence, and he was sporting that attire to resemble Miguel Angel Jimenez. Not nearly as cool as we all hoped, but it was fun while it lasted.
Alabama, on the same hand, was also cool for a while. The talk about town was that Bama was set to repeat their national championship season, and the talking heads were all Bama, all the time. Then, we all found out who they really were, and we were crushed. At the end of the day, the Crimson Tide ended up being just a distraction to the bigger SEC picture, and the even bigger national championship race. It too, was fun while it lasted.
Auburn Tigers – Dave Matthews Band
“The Dave Matthews Band is so cool, maybe the best band in the history of bands and music in general,” says a college student. As one of the more famous and talented bands in the scene today, the Dave Matthews Band has a strong following. While the band is comprised of several, very talented musicians, the vast majority of Americans, even some casual DMB fans, only know Dave Matthews; the other members remain relative unknowns.
Like Dave Matthews, Cam Newton is widely known through out the country as a talented football player. A very very talented football player. Most know he plays on a team from the Auburn University, but as for the rest of the team, they might as well be known as the “running back,” or “that one receiver.” Not sure if Dave’s father does his contracting, but that would only make this case easier.
South Carolina – Lindsay Lohan
Lindsay Lohan was great in the ‘Parent Trap,’ but then she just disappeared. Gone. Vanished. She spent what seems like the better part of a decade just trying to get a chance to become relevant again. Once she got her long awaited second chance, she blew it. Now she is a first class train wreck, and while it was fun to watch her life self implode like a dying star, I really just feel bad about how pathetic her life really is.
South Carolina spent years trying to re-enter the relevance conversation, but once they got their shot: choke town. They had Auburn on the ropes, but Steve Garcia dropped the ball, literally. Beat Alabama, then fell to Kentucky. The Chickens fought their way through the Junior Varsity SEC East, only to get blown out in the SEC championship. Maybe it was fate, maybe it was just a series of unfortunate events, but either way it was a textbook choke job. Stephen Garcia may be more emotionally stable than Ms. Lohan, but it is close.
Florida Gators – Justin Beiber
Do you have Beiber Fever? The way I see it, Justin Beiber is the luckiest 14 year old boy ever, holding hands and playing spin the bottle with every star from the Disney Channel. Lucky he may be, but a skillful performer he is not.
John Brantley bears a striking resemblance to the Beibs. Just like young Beiber, John Brantley may have talent, but you would never know it given his performances. In fact, I would venture to say he isn’t very good.
Time will tell if new coach Will Muschamp turns out to be a pop star like Beiber. People in Texas sure did flock around him. Now that he’s grown up and coaches his own program, will he be very good?
Tennessee Volunteers – MySpace
MySpace used to be cool, maybe even relevant. When they added the MySpace Music component, MySpace managed to maintain a wee bit of relevance, even though the social network market share belongs to Facebook.
Tennessee, the home of Peyton Manning and Reggie White, also used to be relevant. This year, they started bad to miserable, and it only went downhill from there. They got a bit better with the addition of Tyler Bray, but at the end of the day, Tennessee football is better as a memory than anything.
Ole Miss – Jersey Shore
Jersey Shore is a show about a partying group of New Jersey residents who think they are the Bees Knees. They Wang and Chung with the best of them, but they aren’t really as cool as they think they are. In fact, being able to “party” well has no place on a resume, let alone in the self-validation process.
Mississippi loves by the motto: “We may not beat you in on the field, but we will beat you in the party.” Or something like that. Yeah, you can do the math here.
Mississippi State – Lady Gaga
Lady Gaga sure is famous, and she puts on one loud show, so I’m told. She may have a best selling album, but what she lacks in talent she makes up in flash.
Cue Dan Mullen’s State team. I’m not even sure they fielded a quarterback. They won some games, and has become one of the most talked about teams in the league as of late, but I’m not sure anybody knows why. Good marketing can go a long way.
So these are my thoughts… Now that I have disrespected every team in the SEC, let’s hear your comparisons between SEC football teams and different icons in pop culture. Leave a comment below: