Uncensored Play-By-Play Of Georgia vs South Carolina

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1st 15:00 0-0

ESPN is making a statement early by sending former Detroit Lions GM Matt Millen to work the game. Millen was an incompetent nice guy who held on to his job 3 years too long. In other words, he’s Mark Richt.

Chances of Richt being fired tonight: 90%

South Carolina QB Stephen Garcia looks like an out of shape frat boy… actually; he looks like an out of shape 37-year-old mechanic.

10:33 1st

Slow start for both teams. Georgia QB Aaron Murray is constantly under pressure, and Garcia is still trying to shake off the 13 High Lifes he had in his hotel room last night while listening to Molly Hatchet.

9:46 1st

Millen: “Alshon Jeffery might be as good a guy, professional or college, at catching the ball away from his body.” Translation: ”From 2003 to 2007 I drafted Charles Rogers, Roy Williams, Mike Williams and Calvin Johnson with my 1st round pick and if I hadn’t been chased out of town I would be drafting Alshon Jeffery ahead of Andrew Luck.”

8:32 1st

Garcia starts the game completing just 2 of his first 7 passes. Steve Spurrier is shown rearranging his visor and headset as an ESPN producer is fired for not airing the visor/headset toss.

The Spurrier-Garcia relationship will clearly end in a cloud of gun smoke. I’m hoping it’s at the US/Mexico line after a spree of bank heists across the Southwest, but it’s more likely to be a murder/suicide after Spurrier finds Garcia in bed with his wife.

7:48 1st

Georgia’s Freshman RB Isaiah Crowell’s 28-yard run is immediately followed by 80,000 fans murmuring, “Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel.” The run leads to a 32-yard field goal from Blair Walsh.

5:59 1st Georgia 3 South Carolina 0

Chances of Richt being fired tonight: 88%

5:34 1st

Garcia is picked off by Rambo. Bacarri Rambo. Dude, just go ahead and change your name to Bacardi Rambo and become exactly the kind of guy Bacardi Rambo should be. “Last night was nuts. We went to a party at Rick Rubin’s house and Bacardi Rambo pulled a buck knife on Kanye West, then went home with the entire cast of Charlie’s Angels, and when I say the entire cast I mean the both TV shows and the movie.”

Blair Walsh, no relation to Brandon and Brenda, hits a 39-yard FG.

Odds of Richt being fired tonight: 83%

2:23 1st

Georgia’s Brandon Boykin drops what should have been a pick 6. How many big drops has Georgia had over the past 5 years? They love dropping the ball.

Stephen Garcia looks like the Customer of the Month at a Long John Silver’s.

End of the 1st Georgia 6 South Carolina 0

14:58 2nd

Isaiah Crowell goes into the Wildcat to convert a 3rd and 3. “Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel.”

Millen after a 9 yard QB scramble ending in a big hit: “Garcia has no regard for his body.” He said this in the same tone people would say, “Amy Winehouse has no regard for her body.”

11:00 2nd

Spurrier decides to go for fourth-and-1 from the 29-yard line. South Carolina took 2 time outs and Georgia took 1 before the play. This feels like a huge moment in the game. It’s like Spurrier knows Richt is vulnerable and he wants to finish him today.

Nevermind. After all that, Spurrier punts. No wonder Garcia drinks so much.

10:15 2nd

Uber-Freshman Jadeveon Clowney burns through the shaky Georgia O-line and crushes Aaron Murray. Clowney is real strong and real fast. He’ll be the #1 pick in the 2014 Draft.

6:41 2nd

Garcia has all day to throw and hits Jeffery for a 34-yard TD. The old boy is warming up. Garcia reminds me of Jeff Bridges in Crazy Heart.

6:41 2nd South Carolina 7 Georgia 6

Chances of Richt being fired tonight: 95%

5:20 2nd

Aaron Murray breaks loose for a 23-yard run. He reminds me of Aaron Rodgers. A few plays later he hits Rantavious Wooten for a 26-yard TD. He’s the real deal and deserves the hype.

2:53 2nd Georgia 13 South Carolina 6

Mark Richt attempts a surprise onside kick that was executed perfectly, with the exception of Bacardi Rambo being one inch offsides. I love the call and really enjoy Mark Richt when he’s on the verge of getting fired. He’s very creative.

Chances of Richt being fired tonight: 75%

2:03 2nd

Melvin Ingram goes 68 yards on a fake punt run for a touchdown. That’s right, Melvin Ingram, the 276-pound DE gets the ball on a critical fake punt call and goes 68 yards and he was pulling away from people. Unreal. He doesn’t look like a Melvin.

Spurrier wants Mark Richt’s heart on a platter. Spurrier single-handedly ended the careers of former Georgia Head Coaches Ray Goff and Jim Donnan, and today he wants to be the guy who finishes off Mark Richt.

2:03 2nd South Carolina 14 Georgia 13

Chances of Richt being fired tonight: 95%

Garcia squeezes in one more INT before the half, but he escapes with a 1-point lead. He looks like the kind of guy that has knocked up a stripper.

End of the 1st Half South Carolina 14 Georgia 13

12:44 3rd

It feels like Murray is having a great game but he’s just 4-10 for 69 yards,

6:09 3rd

Screen! Murray lobs a screen pass to Crowell for a TD. “Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel.”

Chances of Richt being fired tonight: 50%. Georgia looks good today. I don’t know if they’ll win, but barring a meltdown, Richt should have a job tomorrow.

6:09 3rd Georgia 20 South Carolina 14

Stephen Garcia looks like 2nd rate Wrestler from the early 80’s.

3:31 3rd

Baby Herschel fumbles around the Georgia 40 and USC corner Stephon Gilmore returns it all the way to his own 5-yard line. The crowd starts murmuring, “Caleb King, Caleb King, Caleb King, Caleb King, Caleb King, Caleb King.”

2:39 3rd

Garcia, who treats his body like he’s a midget on Jackass, scampers 8 yards and takes a big hit after he crosses the goal line. He is fun to watch. Kind of like Favre with the Jets, where his typical game consisted of 3 cross-body TD throws, 3 cross-body INTs and 3 wiener pics to skanks he casually knows.

2:39 3rd South Carolina 21 Georgia 20

Chances of Richt being fired tonight: 65%

1:52 3rd

Aaron Murray has a tendency to try to squeeze the ball in windows that don’t exist, and he just did it again from his own 10-yard line. Antonio Allen picked it off and ran it back 25 yards for a TD.

South Carolina puts up 14 points in 47 seconds. Mark Richt is downloading the monster.com app to his iPhone.

Points off of Turnovers: South Carolina 14 Georgia 3

Chances of Richt being fired tonight: 75%

1:52 3rd South Carolina 28 Georgia 20

Murray is showing nice poise after the interception. He starts drive 85 yards from the end zone and quickly went to work hitting 4 separate receivers and get near midfield before the end of the quarter.

End of 3rd South Carolina 28 Georgia 20

Aaron Murray was masterful on this drive going 8 for 8 for 85 yards including a 19-yard TD pass to Michael Bennett. He kept the momentum going with a beautiful 2-pt conversion pass to Tavares King to tie the game. He’s owning the moment.

4th 12:45 South Carolina 28 Georgia 28

Chances of Richt being fired tonight: 45%

4th 11:30

Enough with all this quarterback talk, it’s the 4th quarter and Marcus Lattimore doesn’t get tired. He looks fresh and is picking up yards by the bunches. He grabs 41 yards on 4 carries. He’s over 120 yards and there is plenty of game left.

With that said, Stephen Garcia looks like someone who still has a ‘Nader for President’ sticker on the back of his 1989 Chevy G Van.

Lattimore’s legs and a few Alshon Jeffery catches lead to a Jay Wooten FG.

4th 8:31 South Carolina 31 Georgia 28

4th 6:28

Marcus Lattimore is the best RB on the field, but the margin is closer than I expected. Isaiah Crowell is a stud. Matt Millen put it perfectly, “He is who he was supposed to be.” He stiff arms Antonio Allen and puts it in from 15 yards out, giving Georgia the lead. The crowd is loudly and obnoxiously screaming, “Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel, Herschel.”

4th 6:28 Georgia 35 South Carolina 31

South Carolina doesn’t look rattled. Garcia hits Ace Sanders on a scrambling 30-yard lob pass that takes the Gamecocks down to the Georgia 38. It’s taken him a while to realize he’s playing football in a big football game today but that throw was big time and it quieted the liquored-up Georgia fans in a hurry.

4:31 4th

If that play quieted the fans down, Marcus Lattimore’s 36-yard run to the 1-yard line straight shut them up. He pumps it in 2 plays later, but not before Garcia burns the final South Carolina timeout.

Lattimore’s gone over 160 yards on the day. Isaiah Crowell should be taking notes.

3:28 4th South Carolina 38 Georgia 35

Chances Mark Richt is Fired Tonight: 40%

3:15 4th

JADEVEON CLOWNEY!!!!!!

Clowney hit Murray before the QB could even look up field. Murray was so shocked to be getting hit, he dropped the ball and Melvin Ingram, Baller, was right there to pick it up and dance the ball into the end zone. The rest of the SEC will quickly join Georgia in hating Jadeveon Clowney. Damn, he’s good.

Spurrier just took his shirt off and cracked open a Busch Light. Garcia strolls over, smoking a cigarette and high fives the coach. These two are magic together.

3:12 4th South Carolina 45 Georgia 35

2:39 4th

Georgia fans are leaving early, which could be the title of Mark Richt’s autobiography.

2:15 4th

As Lee Corso used to say back when he could speak, “Not so fast my friends.”

While the fans were leaving, Aaaron Murray was leading. He drove the Dawgs down the field quickly and connected with Tavarres King for a 33-yard TD. Great throw, better catch. It’s a 3 point game with 2:15 left.

Murray has thrown for 4 TD’s.

2:15 4th South Carolina 45 Georgia 42

We’re only 2 weeks into the season and the SEC has already seen 1 game change on an onside kick (Auburn vs. Utah State) and Mark Richt needs another one.

Stud” – Matt Millen’s response after seeing 265 lb DE Melvin Ingram picks the onside kick out of the air. He’s a 265 lb DE and he’s on the HANDS TEAM. I love this guy.

Chances Mark Richt is Fired Tonight: 20%.

He’s coached a good game and his team got beat by a slightly better team tonight. I still think he’ll be fired at some point, just not tonight. If they keep giving up 40 points a game, it might happen very soon.

1:56 4th

Marcus Lattimore never gets tired and he’s going to run out the clock. He’s got 176 yards on the night. Awesome. How good is Lattimore? He’s so good that Stephen Garcia, who looks like the kind of guy who will pull up next to you at a gas station and offer you a deal on a home stereo system, can go 11/25, 1 TD, 2 INT and the Gamecocks can still win a big game on the road.

Final South Carolina 45 Georgia 42

Steve Spurrier’s disappointment as he shakes hands with Mark Richt is obvious. He wanted to be the guy who ended Mark Richt. If I had to guess the guy that will end Richt’s career, I’m leaning towards Mississippi State coach Dan Mullen.

The good news is whoever takes over for Richt will have some talent on the roster to work with.

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