Published October 9, 2011 - 7:56pm
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I don’t know if the nickname Death Valley has ever been more appropriate. Florida is still grieving from the death of Urban Meyer following the fake field goal that set up the game winning TD in last season’s Florida – LSU game. Florida is also grieving the death of a promising season after losing QB’s John Brantley and Jeff Driskel at the hands of Alabama LB Courtney Upshaw.
Florida is also preparing to grieve the eventual death of Chris Rainey, who will likely get squashed like a love bug on I-75 after Charlie Weis calls 20 straight running plays to start the game because true freshman Jacoby Brissett hasn’t attempted 1 pass in his career and likely won’t complete one today. This one is going to be ugly.
Al Davis’ Ghost: Thank you, William Wallace, it’s an honor to be here. Before I move on to the afterlife (winks and points down twice) I wanted to see my would-be 2012 1st Round Draft Pick, Jeff Demps, one last time.
WW: Jeff Demps isn’t even the best RB on his own team; he was going to be your #1 pick?
Al Davis’ Ghost: He ran 100 meters in 9.96 sec. He makes Darrius Heyward-Bey look like JaMarcus Russell after swallowing a fried turkey and sipping on 2 liters of sizzurp.
WW: It’s a pleasure to have you. You have always been a hero of mine. Listen, this is uncensored and I know you can be controversial but I’m asking you to cool it on the Hitler stuff.
Al Davis’ Ghost: No promises.
It’s windy today in Baton Rouge. Not good news for Chris Rainey and Jeff Demps.
LSU’s opening kickoff goes deep into the end zone, but Andre Debose brings it out. I’m all for it. Florida’s offense will do absolutely nothing against this defense. Try to make something happen on these kickoffs, it might be the only chance to get points.
The 1st drive goes exactly as expected. Chris Rainey gains 4 yards on two carries and true freshman Jacoby Brissett completes his 1st pass as a Florida Gator! Sadly, it went for a 7-yard loss. And I said he wouldn’t complete a pass…
LSU is going to win 50-0.
Florida punts on fourth-and-18 and LSU takes over at the 50.
Al Davis’ Ghost: Honestly, look at Charlie Weis. How is it that he’s alive and I’m dead?
On LSU’s second play from scrimmage, Jarrett Lee hits Rueben Randle for a 46-yard TD. Thanks for coming out folks! I thought Will Muschamp was a defensive genius? I know it’s early, but he’s starting to feel a little Zook-ish.
Score: LSU 7 Florida 0
Revised Prediction: LSU 100 Florida 0
Gary Danielson shows Jacoby Brissett’s highlights from High School in an effort to remind everyone that despite what you see here today, Jacoby Brissett was a highly ranked recruit and still could have a very successful career. This is not the finished product, do not rush to judgment.
Florida goes 3-and-out with Trey Burton running the Wild-Gator offense (aka the offense that made Urban Meyer’s heart explode and destroyed Steve Addazio’s career.) Desperate times in Gainesville.
LSU RB Spencer Ware opens the drive with runs of 13 and 8 yards. Florida fans, don’t worry about the 46-yard bomb, those happen. Worry about the nine yards-per-carry you’ve been giving up for two weeks straight. Alabama did the exact same thing to this Florida defense 7 days ago; you would think some adjustments would be made. Nope. Zook-ish.
Variations of the word “Gash” are being thrown around quite a bit. Gashed, Gashing. I’m just hoping Verne Lundquist isn’t using it as a colloquial term.
As the Georgia born poet, Bubba Sparxxx once said, “It’s gettin’ ugly”.
Spencer Ware runs in for a 2-yard TD. He might be a star after this game. The world has lacked a famous Spencer since Spencer Pratt tragically died due to uselessness.
Al Davis’ Ghost: He runs the 40 in 4.72? He’s a bum. My offensive tackles run that. I’ve seen Penthouse Pets fleeing from Marcus Allen who run raster than a 4.72 40.
Al Davis’ Ghost: Where I’m going, they don’t have slander.
Score: LSU 14 Florida 0
I wonder if Florida will run as many offensive plays as LSU has points? Currently, the score is 14 to 6.
Security was able to track down Jacoby Brissett and force him back onto the field and completes a pass to back up QB Trey Burton for a 1-yard gain, the longest completion of his career (Previous long -7 yards).
Brissett follows that up with 2 more completions for 7 yards and 1 yard, respectfully. Give the kid credit; both completions have been made under intense pressure from LSU.
Trey Burton picks up 1 on fourth-and-1 to give the Gators a 1st Down! I’ll be honest, I didn’t expect to see one of those today.
Muschamp, jonesing for that second 1st down, runs a fake punt on fourth-and-6. Florida tries to rekindle that old magic that got them their first 1st down and goes with a Trey Burton run and come up 2 yards short. LSU gets the ball back at midfield. A desperate call by a desperate man. Say what you want about Urban Meyer crumbling under pressure and quitting on his team twice, but when the man called a fake punt, damnit he picked up the 1st down. Zook-ish.
Tracy Wolfson reports that Jeff Demps is likely done for the day due to an ankle injury he suffered against Alabama.
Al Davis’ Ghost: Peace out. Nothing left for me to see here. I might as well hop on the nearest escalator heading down into the deep depths of… My God. Who is that punter?
Australian punter Brad Wing just looked up and saw absolutely nobody on the left side of the field so he calls his own number and goes untouched 52 yards into the end zone, even slowing down to make eye contact with the nearest Florida defender just to remind him, yep, I’m a Punter. Balla. Australian for Baller.
Al Davis’ Ghost: Has anyone ever taken a Freshman Punter from Australia with the 1st overall pick? With my Polish Kicker and my Australian Punter I’d be the most dominant force the world has seen since Adolf Hitler.
WW: Please stop talking about Hitler. I know you love Hitler, everyone knows you love Hitler.
Al Davis’ Ghost: I’m Jewish and I know Hitler did a lot of terrible things, but I can’t deny that I’ve always held a healthy admiration for the man’s ability to consolidate power and think outside the box. I would love to pick his brain.
WW: I think you might get your chance, but let’s just try to cool it on the Hitler.
Will Muschamp is laying into Special Teams Coordinator D.J. Durkin after the special teams gave up that huge play. Durkin refrains from saying, “I’m not yelling at you every time the defense gives up a 9-yard run on 1st down, so back the F up.” Probably because he’s also the LB coach and will likely be fired at the end of the season.
Officials are saying that Wing’s gesture towards the nearest Florida defender as he neared the goal line was taunting, and if you taunt before you cross the goal line, the penalty is 15 yards from the spot of the foul and no score, negating the greatest Australian achievement since the first Crocodile Dundee.
Al Davis’ Ghost: “That’s not a knife. That’s a knife.” (Perfect Australian accident)
WW: I’m glad you’re here Al Davis’ Ghost.
End of 1st Quarter score: LSU 14 Florida 0
Florida’s D holds LSU to a FG, a pretty impressive stand. The problem is even if Florida shuts LSU out from this point on, there is zero chance Florida can score 17 points.
Score: LSU 17 Florida 0
Penalties are crushing everything positive Florida does. A block in the back negates a big run by Rainey and a false start pushing them back to first-and-27. This means Brissett will have to do some throwing (and all Florida fans grab another drink).
Hey, good news Gators fans, FSU just lost to Nerd Forest, err Wake Forest, so no matter what happens here today, you will not nearly be the biggest dumpster fire in the state. Actually, not even in the top 2!
Chances of Jimbo Fisher and Will Muchamp unemployed and sitting at their shared beach house 3 years from today? 70%
Yep. Brissett rolls out and lobs an arm punt up to LSU Safety Brandon Taylor, who returns it to the LSU 47. We all saw that one coming.
Australian punter Brad Wing is dominating this game. Florida makes another nice defensive stand after the INT and Wing crushes all chances of a comeback by pinning the Gators on the 2-yard line. I don’t see this offense going 98 yards for the rest of the day, let alone on this drive.
Florida goes 3 and out after Jordan Reed drops a nice pass that should have been a 1st down. Punter David Lerner has to punt out of the end zone and Lundquist says the words no man wants to hear, “Now here’s Lerner, length is not his strength.”
Boots Jefferson makes his first appearance of the day and immediately hits Russell Sheppard for a 37-yard gain down to the Florida 8. This guy might be up your alley, Al Davis’ Ghost.
Al Davis’ Ghost: I don’t know him.
WW: He was suspended for the first 4 games after curb stomping a marine.
Al Davis’ Ghost: Go on.
WW: Yeah, he’s super inconsistent, but he’s 6’5” 220+…
Al Davis’ Ghost: And do you know his…
WW: He runs a 4.6 40.
Al Davis’ Ghost: 6’5”, 4.6, stomping Marines? Good God. He’s perfect. DAMN YOU MORTALITY! Alas, my time on Earth has come to an end. I will be forced to live on in the history books. Just like one Adol…
WW: Let me stop you right there.
Trent Richardson, excuse me, Spencer Ware, pounds it in from 8 yards for a TD. Florida has no answer to power running. Look for Michael Dyer to go for 150 next week in Auburn. Zook-ish.
Score: LSU 24 Florida 0
It looks like the new staff just realized RB Mike Gillislee is on the team. The JR comes in and picks up 8 yards, 3 yards, 12 yards, and 7 yards and Florida is actually moving the ball.
Trey Burton is a pimp. One play catching a swing pass and hurdling Tyrann “Horny Badger” Mathieu, and the next he’s running the option at QB. Weird nickname.
Jacoby Brissett is even completing some passes. Florida is clearly overmatched without Brantley (who would have thought that would ever be uttered) but they are still playing hard. Young guys are getting some much needed work. LSU is on another level.
Poor clock management basically kills the drive for Florida. They have 2 time outs, under a minute with the ball inside the 20 and they are letting the clock run and calling 3 running plays? What the Hell, Coach Boom? Zook-ish.
Caleb Sturgis comes in an hits a 34-yard FG to give Florida 3 points that nobody expected them to get.
End of 1st half score: LSU 24 Florida 3
Absolutely nothing is happening in the 3rd Qtr. Florida is doing nothing on offense and LSU is controlling the clock with their running game.
Al Davis’ Ghost: I haven’t seen such a dominating ground presence since 1940, when a guy named Adolf Hitler invaded France.
WW: You’re doing it again, Al. You’re speaking of Hitler in glowing terms.
Al Davis’ Ghost: What has happened to this country? I can’t even mention Hitler? First Hank Williams Jr. compares President Obama to Hitler and gets kicked off of Monday Night Football and now this.
WW: You don’t see a problem with comparing the President of the United States to Hitler?
Al Davis’ Ghost: If Hank meant Barack Obama likes dogs and is a very sharp dresser then yes, Obama is like Hitler. You can’t compliment the President? What happened to Freedom of Speech?
WW: That’s it. I can’t sit here and let you use this forum to express your admiration of Hitler. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.
Al Davis’ Ghost: I will leave, but not because you are making me. I have to head over to Marcus Allen’s place and F with his head one last time before taking the express elevator down, all the way down. Before I leave, I want to say I love Jeff Demps, I love the Australian Punter and I hate JaMarcus Russell and JaMarcus Allen. Speed Kills, Bitches!!!!
Al Davis’ Ghost, everyone.
Spencer Ware and Boots Jefferson lead LSU on a clock eating 51-yard drive that ended in a James Hairston 23-yard FG.
Score: LSU 27 Florida 3
LSU is running down the clock just trying to leave healthy at this point. Florida is trying to get something going. Hoping for something to be hopeful about.
BOOM! Jacoby Brissett hits Andre Debose for a 65-yard TD on a play-action pass. Debose was forced out of bounds by the LSU defender, but wisely came back in and made the catch and jogged into the end zone. I didn’t expect to see a Florida TD today, so that something to celebrate Gator fans. That’s the only thing to celebrate, Gator fans.
Hell they even pick up the 2-pt conversion. Comeback!
Andre Debose has been the only bright spot for the Gators over the last 2 weeks. He’s emerging as the big play threat he was projected to be coming out of High School.
End of 3rd quarter score: LSU 27 Florida 11
LSU decided to start playing football again after the long Florida TD and responds with a bomb of their own. Jarrett Lee hits Rueben Randle for 57-yard gain down to the Florida 3-yard line. LSU asks little of Jarrett Lee, but when needed he makes plays.
LSU is the real deal. I have no idea if they are better than Alabama, though.
SNAP! LSU brings in Boots Jefferson to complete the famous Tim Tebow jump pass as Bob Dylan sings “The Times, They are A-Changin” in the background. The play call can only be described as dick-ish. I love it.
Boots Jefferson and Tim Tebow were both Quarterbacks in the SEC and both completed jump passes for touchdowns. That’s where the similarities end.
LSU has tripled Florida’s score.
Score: LSU 34 Florida 11
Jacoby Brissett tries to go big one last time and is picked off by the Horny Badger who does an impressive job wrestling the ball away from Debose. He is feisty.
I’m turning this one off. LSU scores another rushing TD just so Florida can go home with a reminder of how sorry their run defense is.
I’d like to thank Al Davis’ Ghost for stopping by. I can’t speak for America, but everyone who runs a sub 4.4 40 will miss you, and I will miss you.
Counting the minutes until LSU – Alabama.
Final score: LSU 41 Florida 11
Enjoy the uncensored play-by-play? Read the previous editions & other works by William Wallace:
- 2011: South Carolina vs Georgia featuring everything you’ve thought, but been afraid to say about Stephen Garcia.
- BCS Championship Game: Oregon vs Auburn featuring the Oregon cheerleaders and Clay Matthews’ neck
- Outback Bowl: Florida vs Penn State featuring A-grade Joe Paterno commentary
- 2010 Iron Bowl featuring a pointed discussion of Greg McElroy’s future
- Poisoning Trees? What’s Next?
- Is This Hell? No, It’s Iowa