Uncensored Play By Play Of LSU vs Arkansas

15:00 1st
Arkansas has a chance to shake up the world tonight, but if the first two plays are any indication this is going to get ugly.  Malcom Gladwell writes about Thin-slicing, or how we make judgments in a blink of an eye.  If I were to thin-slice the first two plays Arkansas ran against LSU, I would predict that we might be hearing some pig squeals, but more the Deliverance kind.

A 70-yard punt!  I thought Reggie Roby was dead?

11:08 1st
LSU goes 3 and out inside their own 10, as everyone outside of the South says, “See, I told you they have no offense.”
Apparently, Arkansas’ punter is not the late great Reggie Roby, but Dylan Breeding, from Hoover, AL.  I’m not sure I like that name.  Dylan isn’t a good name for an athlete.  I’ll try to come up with something more appropriate.

The winner of this game gets “The Golden Boot”?  Is that some kind of shot at Jordan Jefferson, who had his boots confiscated by cops after curb stomping a Marine?  If they were playing for synthetic weed then we would know for sure this was a shot at LSU.

10:34 1st
Barkevious Mingo gets the sack on Wilson.  That’s funny, I have two brothers and they are both named Barkevious.  In the South, Barkevious is as common as Justin or Matt in other parts of the country.

9:22 1st
Tyler Wilson is a very good QB, maybe the best in the SEC, so this game will give the rest of the country (Oklahoma State, Stanford etc…) an idea what it’s like to play against this defense.  He has to play perfect football or this game could slip out of reach in a hurry.

Breeding blasts another huge punt and pins LSU on the 3 yard line.  Breeding, Barkevious Breeding.  There, I fixed it.

5:51 1st
Arkansas is playing some big boy defense today.  On 3rd & 6, LB Ross Rasner (who looks like he should be a corner) and Tenarius Wright swarm Boots Jefferson for a 10-yard loss.  If LSU thought they would simply out-tough Arkansas, they are mistaken.  With that said,  it won’t be easy to beat LSU with 200 lb linebackers.

Where is Jarrett Lee?  Did Les Miles have to put him down after his 2nd INT against Alabama?

5:26 1st
“That brings on the Australian punter Brad Wing.”  I love that Verne Lundquist feels inclined to mention that Wing is from Australia every single time he punts.  I would bet a large sum of money that is not the last time we hear that mentioned (assuming LSU punts again).

Speaking of Australians taking over the world, has anyone else noticed how basically all actors these days are Australian?  It was cute when it was just Paul Hogan, but now it’s getting out of control.  The first Presidential candidate who says he will bring back the American Movie Star will get my vote.  Enough hate speech, back to football.

Tim Brando breaks in to show Louisville defeating USF 34-24, then says, “The Big East race is even more complicated than the SEC West”, then giggles, all proud of himself.  The SEC West isn’t complicated, dumbass.  If LSU win’s they win the SEC West.  If Arkansas wins, then the highest ranked of the 3 teams (Alabama, Arkansas, and LSU) wins the SEC West.  It’s pretty simple, really.

:48 1st
Tyler Wilson is doing a great job feeling the pressure in the pocket and slipping out when necessary.  His 3rd down conversion to Greg Childs had an NFL feel to it.

LSU 0 Arkansas 0 End of the 1st

Here we go, America.  Tyler Wilson hits Jarius Wright for a 13-yard TD.  BCS –ageddon!  BCS-pocalypse!

14:54 Arkansas 7 LSU 0
It took a full quarter of football for LSU to pick up their first 1st down.  They better get their offense going quickly because Arkansas can strike quick and LSU doesn’t want get down two scores.

12:20
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOM!  Tramain Thomas just destroyed Michael Ford and knocked the ball 15 feet into the air and into the arms of Alonzo Highsmith Jr., who takes it back for the TD.  That was a monster hit.  Arkansas is out LSUing LSU early in this one.

Arkansas 14 LSU 0 12:11 2nd
I can’t get over that hit by Tramain Thomas.  It sounded like two semi’s hitting head on.  Awesome football.

LSU is trailing by the biggest margin of the season right now and they are getting tight.  Jefferson drops the snap on 1st down and then gets a rare QB false start.  Too bad they killed off Jarrett Lee; he might have been helpful here.

7:35 2nd
Kenny Hilliard fumbles the ball forward for a 10-yard gain a first down.  Those are the breaks you need to go undefeated.  By the way, Hilliard is a beast.  Freshmen are not supposed to look like this.  Did he just get out of prison or something?  I’m going on the assumption that he’s really 30 but eligibility-wise he’s a freshman, after doing 12 years for Armed Robbery.

5:15 2nd
Kenny “Baby Bettis” Hilliard slams it in from the 6.  LSU is on the board.  I might also go with Big baby Hilliard.

Arkansas 14 LSU 7 5:15 2nd
The 14-point deficit must have sobered up the LSU crowd because it seems like they just realized what’s going on and are starting to get loud.  Ron Brooks responds to the crowd by wrapping up Wilson on a CB blitz.  Wilson saw Brooks coming fast and froze.

3:26
Breeding, Breeding, Breeding.   Nobody will remember those first two punts now.   You can’t tee one up to Tryann Mathieu like that, son.  Breeding was supposed to kick the ball to one side of the field but kicked it the other and Mathieu made him pay, taking it 92 yards for a TD.  That’s more like what I expect from a guy named Dylan.

I’m predicting CBS will say Honey Badger 8 times before the 2nd half begins.  Lundquist just said it:  7 more to go.

When he’s not smoking synthetic weed, the Honey Badger has been dominating the SEC.  There was nothing synthetic about that punt return.   That was the real sticky icky.  No sticks, no stems, no seeds.

LSU 14 Arkansas 14 3:24 2nd

1:59 2nd
That looks like a fumble, folks.  The SEC almost never reverses calls and while he was ruled down by contact, it looks like Dennis Johnson just put the ball on the ground, stripped by none other than the Honey Badger.  He’s tends to do that.

Reversed, Reversed.  Reversed, Reversed.  The Refs admit their mistake and LSU gets the ball back under 2 minutes with multiple timeouts.  I’m shocked by the reversal, that never happens.

1:01 2nd
Jordan Jefferson hits Russell Shepard for a 9-yard TD.

That combo hasn’t scored as often as recruiting followers would have expected, but this one was clutch.  LSU grabs the lead for the first time today.

My buddy Rush just texed me, “LSU has looked like an NFL team for the last 15 minutes.”  Yeah, they tend to do that.

In the words of Ron Burgendy in Anchorman, “Boy, that escalated quickly.  I mean that really got out of hand fast.”

Traci Wolfson picks the wrong time for an emotional interview, saying to Bobby Patrino after the half, “A huge momentum swing there with an already emotional and fragile group…”(refrencing the death of Garrett Uekman last weekend)  Patrino shuts her down with, “We’re not emotional or fragile.  Our guys are doing a great job, we’ve stuck together many times this year.  I love this football team.”  Damn, Traci, stop trying to make people cry.

LSU 21 Arkansas 14 End of 1st Half

Give Tim Brando credit, he admitted over half time that the SEC West isn’t really complicated and he was a dumbass for saying otherwise.

15:00 3rd
I love when Traci Wolfson interviews Les Miles before or after the half.  He gets so date-rapey when he talks to her.  If LSU holds on to win, watch Les and Traci in the loud-ass Georgia Dome.  You’ve never seen such close talking.

14:05 3rd
After a shaky start, Boots Jefferson is playing great.  He’s throwing the ball with some serious zip and looks more comfortable in the pocket these days.

11:34 3rd
I haven’t seen Boots Jefferson look this dominant since that Marine decided he wanted to get tough.  Jefferson avoids a sack on 3rd and 9 and instead of running he pulls it back and hits Rueben Randall for a 38 yard gain down to the Arkansas 17.  Jordan Jefferson is a new man.

10:53 3rd
I deserved that shit.  I fooled myself into thinking that Jordan Jefferson had changed.  One play after looking like a stud Jefferson makes a terrible decision and tries to squeeze the ball into a hole that never existed and Tramain Thomas picks it off.  Jefferson points to the crowd and screams, “Stop believing in me!”

10:32 3rd
Cobi Hamilton makes a catch, then a spin move, and makes LSU pay for not wrapping him up the 14-yard line.  Hamilton takes it all the way to the LSU 28 with the 60-yard gain.  Hamilton is a track guy, you can’t afford not to wrap up track guys.
The Hog’s receiving core is legit.

9:25 3rd
3rd & 18 against the best defense in America and Tyler Wilson isn’t scared.  He steps up into a blitzing MLB and hits Chris Gragg for a first down and gets an additional 15-yards from the roughing the passer call on LSU LB Ryan Baker.  Huge throw by Wilson, huge mistake by Baker.  Arkansas turns a tough attempt FG into 1st & Goal.

Petrino rewards Wilson by bringing in a former basketball player to run the pistol option?  Brandon Mitchell drops the snap and gets sacked.  Before you can say Honey Badger, Arkansas has a tough 3rd & Goal.  They don’t get it.

Kicker Zack Hooker hits the 24 yard FG

I’m a big fan of Petrino’s creativity, but using Mitchell against this incredibly athletic LSU defense was an odd decision.

LSU 21 Arkansas 17 7:47 3rd
Dylan “Barkevious” Breeding is the Red Lobster Scholar Athlete.  He’s carries a 3.75 GPA in Business Management, but he’s not smart enough to keep the ball away from the Honey Badger?

4:54 3rd
Mad Hatter Time!  4th& Inches from their own 40.  I wonder if they’ll go for it?  Shocker they do and Arkansas rewards his balls by jumping off-sides.  When Les is thinking with his balls he’s unstoppable.

These are the drives that LSU uses to crush their prey like a boa constrictor.  One play after the Hogs jump offsides, Michael Ford breaks off a huge 49-yard run down to the 6-yard line.  Not scoring on that huge run is how they roll.  LSU will bleed another 2 minutes off the clock before finally pumping it in, watch.

Well, they should have but Jefferson missed Randall for the TD pass.  Drew Alleman drills the chip shot and LSU is back up 7.

LSU 24 Arkansas 17 2:14 3rd
Traci Wolfson speculates that Tyler Wilson was dinged up on the roughing the passer penalty on their last drive, which is why Brandon Mitchell was in to drop the snap that stalled the Hog’s drive.  Interesting…

2:09 3rd
Well, if Wilson’s neck wasn’t hurting before it probably is now.  Sam Montgomery crushes Wilson with a sack on 1st down.  Montgomery will be rich one day.

Arkansas goes 3-and out.  This one feels like it’s slipping away from the Razorbacks.

LSU 24 Arkansas 17 End of the 3rd

11:22 4th
Gary Danielson proves my earlier point about how LSU pound on opponents in the 2nd half.  27 plays for LSU in the 2nd half, just 11 for Arkansas.

11:04 4th
Spencer Ware hasn’t played much today, but he just made the most of his fresh legs.  On 2nd & 3 on their own 7, Ware looked like he was stood up, but he kept churning and with the help of a push from TE Chase Clement, he was able to rumble in for the touchdown.  Ballgame.

LSU 31 Arkansas 17 11:04 4th
LSU tries to respond with the deep ball, but LSU is all over it.  CB Morris Claiborne easily picks off the Wilson pass as the LSU faithful start their dancing and Arkansas fans start texting each other to decide if they want go to the strip club then the casino or the casino then the strip club.

10:16 4th
“And you totally redeem yourself!”  Everyone in the stadium and at home was expecting LSU to pound the ball until the clock runs out but Boots Jefferson had other plans.  Jefferson read the blitzing Ark. DE and kept the ball and pranced 48 yards for the TD.  The cops may need to confiscate Jefferson’s cleats after this one.  He spent the preseason stomping on skulls, now he’s stomping on souls.  Boooooooots!

LSU 31 Arkansas 17 10:09 4th
This game is a reminder to all the critics of how good LSU and Alabama are.  The complaint has been that both teams are limited on offense but that’s not true.  They are only limited on offense against each other.  That’s how good these defenses are.

9:31 4th
This game is completely out of hand.  Tyler Wilson has to throw on every play to try to get Arkansas back into this one.  The problem is LSU knows it, so they are just abusing the QB on every play.  If Traci Wolfson was right, and Wilson dinged up his neck earlier in the game, then Petrino should get him out of there before a minor injury turns into something worse.

7:31 4th
Gary Danielson is one of the best in the business.  He accurately points out that Les Miles is thinking about style points right now.  LSU is still throwing the ball with 7 minutes left in the 4th just so if they lose to Georgia in the SEC Championship Game, which will never happen, ever, then the voters will remember how dominant they were against the #3 team in the country.  You can’t blame him.  The system demands it.

LSU 41 Arkansas 17 5:08 4th
This is why you don’t turn off SEC football games!!!!!!  CBS shows Bobby Patrino in slow motion saying, and you didn’t have to be Marlee Matlin to read his lips, “Fuck You, Motherfucker.” (His words, not mine)  Oh, I love the SEC, and I love CBS for showing that.  They didn’t have to show it, but I think it was a Thanksgiving Day gift to all of us.

Hopefully, Les will go with the onside kick here to shove it up Bobby’s… Nope they kicked it deep.  Les is getting soft.

3:34 4th
“Tyrann Mathieu, Ladies and Gentleman.”  That was LSU’s PA announcer after the Honey Badger creates and scoops up a fumble around his own 45 and bounces around to their own 33.  That’s really funny and extremely appropriate.

3:02 4th
Jarrett Lee sighting!  Call off the search!  Lee’s been a big part of this team’s success and deserves to be back out there with his teammates.

I don’t know if Arkansas is the 3rd best team in the country, but they are just as good if not better than Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, USC and Stanford.  They have 2 losses to the 2 best teams in college football and all of this was done after losing Knile Davis, their best player, before the season started.  It’s been a great season for Bobby Petrino and the Razorbacks.

LSU 41 Arkansas 17 Final
Bobby Petrino wanted nothing to do with Les Miles at the post-game handshake and Les Miles could give a shit.

Les squeezes in one last close talking/date rapey moment with Traci Wolfson before leaving us.  After Traci says “See you in Atlanta”, Les responds with, “I promise.”  What?  What the hell does that mean?  He’s so creepy.  I love him.

See y’all in Atlanta.

Other “Uncensored Play by Play” posts from 2011:

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