Uncensored Play-By-Play Recap Of The BCS Championship Game

We’ll it’s been 3 weeks since his retirement and Urban Meyer must already be sick of his wife and kids.  Welcome to the real world, Urban.

There is a moment of sheer panic as Auburn fans see Nick Saban on the Gameday set.  (In the postgame, Saban accidently referred to Oregon as “We”, before correcting himself.)

Alcohol will be a factor in this game.  Bowl games allow drinking in the stadium, so it will be critical to see how the two fan bases respond to the uninterrupted consumption.   Auburn has a huge advantage when it comes to in-stadium drinking.  I’ve seen Auburn campus police kick girls out of games for not smuggling a bottle of bourbon in their purse under a pile of tampons.

Sportsbook.com offered odds of 1000 to 1 on “No offensive TD scored”.  You give me 1000 to 1 odds, I’m taking it every time.  I got $100 on nothing but pick 6’s, and safeties.

For $3k you can scalp a ticket to the BCS Championship game.  For the price of 60 tickets you can get yourself a Cam Newton.

Kickoff 0-0

Not the start Nike was looking for.  Oregon kick returner Josh Huff slips on the turf twice on the opening kick return.  Thanks for the shoes, Phil!  Maybe if Oregon wouldn’t wear their socks over their shoes they would have better traction.

Interesting play for the Ducks as QB Darron Thomas runs up to the 1st down marker then laterals the ball 5 yards backwards.  2 plays later the Ducks punt.  This offense is unpredictable!

On 3rd and 17 Darvin Adams pulls out the alligator arms on what would have been a 25 yard gain.  It will take a few drives for Auburn’s receivers to adjust to the lack of speed in the Oregon secondary.

10:42 1st

LaMichael James is fast, fast, fast.

LaMichael James is Spanish for The Michael James.

Oregon’s cheerleaders are unbelievable.  There is no way these girls are students at Oregon.  I’m guessing Phil Knight went out and bought Arizona State’s cheerleaders.

9:19 1st

Pick!  Auburn’s defense is going to give the Ducks a lot of trouble.

8:40 1st

Pick!  Oregon’s defense is going to give the Tigers a lot of trouble.

5:01 1st

Darron Thomas said before the game that Nick Fairley is a dirty player.  After watching Fairley blow through Oregon’s line and forcing Thomas into an interception, I completely agree.  Fairley is filthy!

End of 1st Auburn 0 Oregon 0

Oregon starts the 2nd Qtr on Auburn’s 3 but Nick Fairley single handedly holds the Ducks to a FG.  The two best players on the field are Nick Fairley and The Michael James.

OREGON CHEERLEADERS!!!

14:13 2nd Oregon 3 Auburn 0

My “No Offensive TD’s” bet is looking brilliant.

12:05 2nd

Cam Newton nearly threw a pick on 1st down, but refs ruled the Oregon defender never had possession.   1 play later Newton hits Kodi Burns for a 35 yard TD.

So much for my bet.  I feel like the old guys at the end of Trading Places.  “My God, we’re ruined.”

12:00 2nd Auburn 7 Oregon 3

Oregon is taking advantage of every opportunity to make the unnecessary lateral.  Each time they pitch the ball the play goes for 5 less yards.

Well, Auburn and I both feel silly for falling for the old terrible lateral gimmick as Oregon goes over the top for an 81 yard gain.  3 plays later Thomas hits The Michael James for a TD.

How do these Ducks fly with such huge balls?  Oregon’s kicker and punter run a textbook option for a 2 point conversion.  Giant Duck Balls.

OREGON CHEERLEADERS!!!

10:58 2nd Oregon 11 Auburn 7

We’re starting to see more offense from both teams.

Musburger says Cecil Newton isn’t in the stadium, but is probably watching on TV.  You can’t prove that, Brent.  You don’t know.  I hate when journalists editorialize.

4:15 2nd

“Cam, it’s the Hesiman trust.  Yeah, we just saw you short arm that pass on 4th and goal and we’re going to need you to send the trophy back.   We’ve made a huge mistake. “

Newton’s mistake is America’s gain.  OREGON CHEERLEADERS!!!

What I love most about Oregon’s Cheerleaders (in no particular order)

  1. Their uniforms tip-toe the line between sexy and slutty.
  2. They have no ‘roided out dudes with flattops (If they do they are smart enough not to put them on TV.)

Honestly, we’re about to see what Cam Newton is made of.

Auburn’s Mike Blanc makes things a little easier for Cam with a big safety.  This game has been strange.  Even the score is strange.

3:26 2nd Oregon 11 Auburn 9

“Heisman trust, yeah, it’s Cam.  Kiss my ass, this is my trophy!”

Newton responds with a 30 yard TD to Emory Blake.  This kid is ice cold.

1:47 2nd Auburn 16 Oregon 11

No Hail Mary tonight, for Auburn.

I haven’t seen an Oregon Cheerleader in 10 minutes.  Make some adjustments during halftime and give the girls something to cheer about, Chip!

Half Auburn 16 Oregon 11

Oregon has 37 rushing yards in the 1st half.  They would have 238 yards if it wasn’t for terrible laterals.

Players are slipping all over the place.  Grass isn’t growing well in the middle of the desert?  Weird.

After a long drive, Auburn has to settle for a 28 yard FG.  ESPN shows Auburn’s cheerleaders.  Way too many dudes.

14:13 3rd Auburn 19 Oregon 11

Oregon Cheerleaders!!! ESPN is trying to will the Ducks back into the game.

9:30 3rd

Nick Fairley gets called for a personal foul after slamming The Michael James’ head into the turf after a tackle.  Herbstreit and Musburger use the opportunity to talk about how dirty he is.

2 plays later Fairley crushes Thomas for a sack and says to Thomas, “You say I’m dirty, yet you’re the one with a clump of dirt stuck in your facemask.”  He said this with a British accent.

6:25 3rd

Cam Newton overthrows Darvin Adams on what should have been an easy 77 yard TD.  When Newton misses on a pass you know it the second he releases the ball.

4:30 3rd

Oregon Punter Jackson Rice shows Darron Thomas how to break down a defender and get the ball to a receiver on the daring fake punt conversion for a 1st down.  Gene Chizik will have nightmares about Ducks with Giant Balls tonight.

2:33 3rd

That’s the thing about having Giant Balls.  Sometimes they get in the way.  Oregon gets stuffed on 4th and goal.

Auburn’s front four has been the difference tonight.

During the break, Clay Matthews stars in a touching commercial for a muscle disease called Duchenne.  It’s a sweet thought, but the muscles in Clay’s neck are so huge I can’t focus on the message.  The cure to the muscle disease has to be somewhere in Clay Matthews’ neck.

End of the 3rd Auburn 19 Oregon 11

I can’t say this enough: Nick Fairley is a beast!  He’s playing himself into the #1 pick in the NFL draft.

Did the Cheerleaders go home?  What are you doing to us, Chip Kelly?

10:11 3rd

Cam Newton busts an 18 yard run on 3rd and 12.  He comes up a little lame after a big hit, but trust me, that run hurt Oregon more than it hurt Cam.  As a result, Auburn is able to burn an additional 4 minutes off the clock.

6:34 4th

Auburn has controlled the ball, but Oregon has still managed to keep it a 1 score game.  Does anyone doubt that this game will be tied at some point?

Auburn’s D-line does it once again on 3rd and 3.  Antoine Carter blows up The Michael James for a 4 yard loss.  Oregon punts.

4:54 4th

Long Haired Football Players

Where are all these Matthews hippie-freaks coming from?  Casey Matthews (brother of huge necked Clay) forces a game saving Cam Newton fumble and keeps Oregon in the game.  Vikings!  They’re Vikings, I tell you!

Duck Balls sighting!  4th and 5 on the Auburn 40, and Thomas completes a 30 yard pass to D.J. Davis.

Touchdown, Oregon!  The Michael James pumps it in from the 2 yard line.

OREGON CHEERLEADERS!!!!

Ducks Balls!  Giant Duck Balls!  Darren Thomas throws a no look pass to Jeff Maehl.  Conversion is GOOD.  This game is tied.  This game is legendary.

OREGON CHEERLEADERS!!!  Thank you, Chip Kelly.  Thank you.

2:33 4th Auburn 19 Oregon 19

Did Oregon leave Cam Newton too much time?

Run, Dyer, Run!!!!   I think we know the play will be replayed forever.

This game will come down to Auburn’s All-Time scoring leader, Wes Byrum.

Before Byrum can be the hero, Michael Dyer tries to win the damn thing himself.  The replay shows he’s down on the ½ yard line.  Cam or Wes?  Cam or Wes?  Either way, life just got a lot easier for the Auburn Tigers.

:10 4th

Cam Newton is stuffed on a conservative attempt.  Auburn is going to burn the remaining time on the clock and try to win on the short FG.

:02 4th

Wes Byrum , you just won the National Championship.

Final Score Auburn 22 Oregon 19

It doesn’t get better than that.  Congratulations to the Oregon Ducks.  You played your Giant Duck Balls off tonight, but the better team won.

The SEC continues to dominate the BCS and College Football.  The SEC is 7-0 in BCS National Championship games, with 5 different winners (Florida 2, LSU 2, Alabama, Auburn, and Tennessee).

Gene Chizik, Cameron Newton, Nick Fairley, Michael Dyer, Wes Byrum and the rest of the 2010 Auburn Tigers are National Champions.

Today, I can tell you this: We are the best football team in the United States of American, and War Eagle!” – Gene Chizik, January 10, 2011.

COMMENTS

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  • Love it about Oregon cheerleaders really being from ASU !

  • Have to agree with the Cheerleaders part. C’mon Auburn we’re in the desert why the pants?

  • Another excellent uncensored recap, William Wallace. Give us more!

  • Did he really say ” Of American ” ?

  • this recap priceless…

  • I thought the Oregan cheerleaders were the USC Song Girls B-team.

  • I don’t find your little comments about Duchenne disease funny at all. Duchenne is killing little boys everyday if you done some actual research you would know duchenne strikes little boys and there is no cure for it. Children witj duchenne are usually in. A wheelchair between the ages of 10-12 and are typically dead by the age of 16. It is not a laughing matter and certainly iis not to be joked about.I hate the packers but I respect the hell out of Clay Matthews for stepping up to the plate to help find a cure for duchenne.

    • Oh don’t be such a prude. A lot of people prior to his commercial didn’t even know what Duchenne’s was, but there are a lot more people who noticed how large Clay’s neck is in that commercial than the message the whole thing was trying to convey. The first time I saw the commercial, I was wondering what was growing out of the side of Clay’s neck, then realized it was just his neck. Doesn’t take away from the message that was being conveyed in the slightest, nor was this is any attempt a way to make fun or joke about the kids with Duchenne. Instead of being so simple minded about “touchy” subjects, realize that there is a great many in the viewing audience capable of getting the message, making a joke about it, and moving on. You getting into a hissy mood about the comments is like you getting mad at cancer kid jokes, only to find out that the jokes come from the cancer patients as a way to lighten the burden of their disease instead of having people pity them.

      If anything, your inability to see any humor in the situation does the kids an injustice because instead of seeing them as human beings fighting an illness, you look down on them in pity and feel the need to “protect” them when there is no need at all. Get off your high horse.

      • I agree. I had no idea about this disease and it is not funny, however the joke about Matthews made me remember the commercial. Sometimes laughter can be the best medicine!

    • I have to agree with you. That should have been left out. But besides that, a hilarious read!

    • OH come on lady it was a joke. He isn’t making light of the disease. Funny thing is I said the SAME thing to my husband during the ad!!! I was trying to figure out if Duchennes was a neck disease that this guy had and wasn’t even listening to what he was saying. Reading this made me laugh cause it was so true how distracting it was. lol

  • Lets see how much fun it is when they have to give it all back and forfeit all 14 games!

    The replay official that ruled the interception by Oregon was no good needs his eyes checked! i watched this play on my HDDVR several times at 1/15 speed, the Oregon DB caught the ball, pulled it into his chest, held it there, made 3 steps inbounds, before falling on his butt with the ball still in his chest!

    That could have been a game changing play!

    The party hasn’t started yet, but it will soon!

    http://blog.al.com/wire/2011/01/court_papers_indicate_alabama.html

    Court papers indicate Alabama gambling probe is growing

    MONTGOMERY, AL — Federal prosecutors say in court papers that their gambling investigation in Alabama has grown beyond the legislators, lobbyists and casino owners who have already been indicted.
    The disclosure comes in notes that FBI agents took during interviews with Country Crossing casino lobbyist Jarrod Massey, who has pleaded guilty to bribery and conspiracy.

    Another lobbyist indicted in the case, VictoryLand representative Tom Coker, had sought complete copies of the FBI’s notes from six interviews with Massey before his guilty plea Dec. 20. Coker’s lawyer, David McKnight, said the notes are necessary to prepare Coker’s defense.

    Federal prosecutors provided copies but withheld some material, including entire pages. Attorneys with the Justice Department’s Public Integrity Section said in court filings that the undisclosed material “pertains to an ongoing criminal investigation involving facts beyond the scope of the indictment in this matter.”

    They said disclosure of the material “at this juncture would risk exposing the details of such investigation.”
    When asked if the court papers indicate more people will be indicted, Justice Department spokeswoman Laura Sweeney said Monday she couldn’t comment beyond the information in the court documents.
    Coker’s attorney said Wednesday the language in the court papers is not something the FBI routinely uses to try to keep notes private, and its presence is significant.

    “There is definitely another investigation ongoing. What it entails I can’t say,” McKnight said.

    Prosecutors have offered to give the complete notes to Coker’s lawyer by Jan. 31 unless some reason arises to justify withholding the material. McKnight filed papers Wednesday saying he can agree to getting the notes no later than Jan. 31 “given the government’s representation about the ongoing investigation.”

    Massey and Coker were among 11 people arrested Oct. 4 on an indictment accusing them of buying and selling votes on pro-gambling legislation. The remaining 10 defendants are scheduled for trial April 4.

    All 11 indicted are either or both Auburn Boosters or former Auburn board of Trustees.

    Don’t think this is fishy?