Published April 24, 2012 - 10:01am
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The introduction of Tupac Hologram at Coachella got me jonesing for more holograms. I’m all in on the Hologram Era. The best part of Tupac Hologram is he stays forever in his prime. He gets to have the 6-pack and swagger like he had in the California Love video. The idea of pausing life at your physical peak is appealing to everyone.
It is also why the SEC needs to bring in Holograms. If Dr. Dre and Snoop can go on a tour with Tupac Hologram, there is no reason the following legends cannot come back to the SEC.
We will limit each team to 1 hologram. We don’t want this to get ridiculous.
Alabama: Bear Bryant
Joe Namath once told ESPN, “His nickname was Bear. Now imagine a guy that can carry the nickname Bear.” Bryant’s ghost is on the sidelines of every Alabama game so we might as well bring him into the light. The Bear won 323 games and said things like, “I don’t want ordinary people. I want people who are willing to sacrifice and do without a lot of those things ordinary students get to do. That’s what it takes to win.” I feel more ordinary just reading that. Saban is great but The Bear is Immortal with or without the Hologram.
Florida: Steve Spurrier
If you still hate Steve Spurrier at this point than you probably also hate Denzel Washington, BBQ Ribs, breathing and the threesome scene in Wild Things. You hate everything truly good in life. Spurrier is everything I love about the SEC. Most of us know Spurrier as the aging rooster talking the talk and walking the walk, but can you imagine how cocky a 21-year-old Spurrier must have been? Look in the background of this old picture of golfer Andy North Do you see him? I want a hologram of that Son of a Bitch!
Tennessee: Peyton Manning
The upside is you get the smartest QB to ever step up to the line of scrimmage. You get 101 career TD’s and 11,000 passing yards. You get ideal scholar-athlete. The downside is Tennessee would never beat Florida again or win a National title. Plus there would be no shaking Kenny Chesney.
Ole Miss: Archie Manning
This sets up the Archie vs. Peyton duel we’ve always dreamed of. The annual matchup could be called The Oedipus Bowl. Hell, why stop with just two Mannings? Let’s throw some money around and have a Hologram Eli Manning moping around in the background and a Hologram Cooper Manning helping with the kids and picking up a few bags of ice.
Georgia: Herschel Walker
This might be a waste of technology since the 50-year-old Herschel and 20-year-old Herschel are the same physically. We can just give him unlimited eligibility and save $100,000. If we bring back Herschel it make the all the Georgia fans who still talk about him every day seem a little less pathetic.
Auburn: Bo Jackson
The man is in the discussion of Greatest Athletes Ever, so he gets the hologram over Cam Newton. Did you know that when he was in High School Bo won two state decathlon titles? Of course he did. After having his career end with a terrible hip injury Bo Jackson needs a hologram more than everyone else on this list. It would be like the sequel to Field of Dreams.
LSU: Honey Badger
What’s this guy’s real name again? Who cares? Every team needs a guy who can make that one play every game despite the fact other teams are doing everything they can do not to let him make that one play.
Mississippi State: John Grisham?
Can we hologram a guy who writes legal thrillers? Damn, Mississippi State’s alumni list is depressing. With that said, The Firm and The Pelican Brief are the shit and much better than the movie versions.
Arkansas: Darren McFadden
A Physical specimen who turned the Wildcat offense into something that teams with terrible Quarterbacks sometimes do. He rushed for nearly 4,600 yards in only 3 years. He was the alpha dog in a backfield that included Felix Jones, Matt Jones and Peyton Hillis’ biceps.
South Carolina: Stephen Garcia
The thought of this upcoming season without Stephen Garcia makes me want go into a crazy intense depression. Connor Shaw is athletic and consistent and yaaaaaaaawnnnn. Give me the fat drunk guy who throws fantastically stupid interceptions and looks like Hurley from Lost.
Kentucky: Ashley Judd from A Time To Kill
I know she’s more of a basketball fan but the pickings are slim for Kentucky football. Call me old fashion, but I’ll take a sweaty Ashley Judd over a 420 pound Jared Lorenzen.
Vanderbilt: Jay Cutler
I Googled Jay Cutler and all I found was pictures of this guy and a few pics of the hot girl from Laguna Beach. I think Vandy would actually be better off giving this meathead a hologram. Who wouldn’t want a guy who benches 800 lbs over a gun slinging diabetic with a bad haircut?
Missouri and Texas A&M, you don’t get holograms until after hell week.