Tennessee vs Georgia: Uncensored Play-by-Play

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Do you know what Butt-Chugging is? Apparently, all the kids are doing it in Knoxville… well, at least the Pikes in Knoxville are doing it. It’s this really cool new thing where you buy a box of wine, remove the plastic bag from the box.  Then your take your everyday beer funnel, put it between cheeks and give yourself a wine enema. Why would you funnel cheap wine into your rectum? Why, to get drunk faster, or course.

So grab your finest box of wine, and throw down some towels because it’s Gameday!

15:00 1st Quarter

Let’s get this started. Derek Dooley rides into the town where his father is a coaching legend wearing his famous bright orange slacks. It’s important to be zany when your career record as a head coach is 31-35.

Aaron Murray looks like the dark haired white guy on every season of The Real World. Here he is with the San Diego cast.

10:45

Aside from Malcolm Mitchell taking an option pitch for a ten yard loss, Georgia has moved up the field effortlessly. Tennessee must have been watching the Baylor – West Virginia game in the locker room to get geared up for this one.

8:54

Touchdown, Georgia! Georgia’s super-freshman of the moment, Todd Gurley, pounds it in from two yards out. He’s only four years old. Is this guy the next Isaiah Crowell, or what?

Tennessee DB Byron Moore had a chance to stop Gurley, but apparently fell asleep mid-tackle. Passing out is a symptom of butt-chugging. I’m just saying…

Georgia might score a lot today.

Georgia 7 Tennessee 0 8:54 1st

8:40

Tyler Bray’s looks like he could be in Oasis.

Actually, after getting accused of throwing beer bottles at his neighbor’s parked car, he probably should be in Oasis. Hey, at least he’s drinking beer out of a bottle instead of shooting wine up his ass. Tennessee goes three-and-out.

“Known as a Gunslinger, and sometimes that’s not a great thing.” – Verne Lundquist, on Tyler Bray, before he even attempts his first pass.

7:44

Who needs an offense? Aaron Murray’s first pass of the drive is tipped at the line of scrimmage by Corey Miller and Byron Moore totally redeems himself! Moore is handed a gift and takes it back 36 yards for the touchdown.

Tennessee 7 Georgia 7 7:44 1st

Alright, this is getting out of hand. Keith Marshall, Georgia’s other filthy true-freshman Baby Back, just took his first carry of the game 75 yards up the sideline for a touchdown! Is this guy the next Isaiah Crowell, or what?

That’s three touchdowns in less than 90 seconds. Is this the Big 12?

Georgia 14 Tennessee 7 7:31 1st

Derek Dooley constantly looks like he suspects somebody in the room stepped in dog poop. He knows it’s not him but he thinks he smells something…

When Tennessee throws the ball, they get first downs. When they run it they lose yards. Get ready for some gun slinging!

“Known as a Gunslinger, and sometimes that’s not a great thing.” – Verne Lundquist

2:39

Tennessee’s long drive is capped off with a Derrick Brodus 34-yard field goal.

Georgia 14 Tennessee 10 2:39 1st

Lundquist just told a story of how Keith Marshall and Todd Gurley are really good friends and made a pact to go to the same college and share carries. But you didn’t need to hear an anecdote to know kids these days are wired a little differently. Butt-chugging established that early on.

“Back shoulder” is the phrase of the game. Both quarterbacks are big fans of throwing to their receivers back shoulder, away from the defender. Murray hits Tavarres King’s back shoulder for a 31-yard gain inside the 10.

:30

Georgia drives down to the goal line. Which Baby Back will Mark Richt choose to pound this in from the 1-inch line? It’s Gurley. Touchdown, Georgia!

Georgia 21 Tennessee 10 :11 1st (Feels like the 3rd)

End of the 1st Quarter

12:38 2nd

“Known as a Gunslinger, and sometimes that’s not a great thing.” – Verne Lundquist

Fresh off of a suspension, Alex Ogletree tipped Bray’s pass and Damian Swann pulled the ball in like a reverse finger roll. Beautiful catch.

11:48 2nd

Gone with the Wind and elite running backs. That’s what Georgia does!

Todd Gurley breaks three tackles on his way to a 51-yard touchdown. Gary Danielson compares Gurley to Trent Richardson and I’m buying it.

Georgia missed the extra point. The window is open!

Georgia 27 Tennessee 10 11:48 2nd

The Baby Backs have combined for 12 carries, 179 yards and four touchdowns. I’m telling you, it’s the breast milk. That stuff is better than HGH.

10:58

Oh, Cordarrelle, Cordarrelle. Poor Cordarrelle Patterson just dropped what should have been a beautiful 54-yard touchdown. I really like saying Cordarrelle, but that was a really, really, really bad drop. Two plays later Tennessee punts. Cordarrelle…

7:14

Bray hits Mychal Rivera for the first time today and I don’t know why it’s taken him so long. Rivera is a massive matchup nightmare. I haven’t seen Rivera without his helmet but I like to think he looks like Danny Trejo in Machete.

His sister’s on Glee. He’ll be more famous than her in 5 years.

4:53

Tennessee goes into The Beast formation on the goal line and A.J. Johnson, the Volunteer linebacker, pounds it in. I love The Beast formation and hope to see a lot more of it.

Georgia 27 Tennessee 17 4:53 2nd

2:55

It’s getting crazy again. Herman Lathers (who really needs a nickname) sacked Murray on his own 8-yard line and forced a fumble. Who fell on it? None other than A.J. “The Beast Formation” Johnson. Tennessee ball!

Beast Johnson, that’s a nickname. Learn something, Herman Lathers!

We have a ball game, folks. Bray hits Zach Rogers for a four-yard TD pass.

Now, Tennessee misses the extra point? Come on, guys. Act like you’ve been here before.

Georgia 27 Tennessee 23

Todd Gurley finally looks like a freshman. He bobbles the kickoff and was standing out of bounds at the one when he picked it back up. Georgia is looking a little panicked.

1:42

Now it’s Keith Marshall’s turn to look like a freshman. One play after taking a third down swing pass out of the end zone for a first down, Marshall coughs it up. He comes up rubbing his eyes, the international sign for, “I’m sleepy”. Get these kids a nap!

:42

I did not see this coming. I thought Tennessee would roll up and die. I thought Bobby Petrino might take over as head coach in the second half, but with :42 seconds left, Rajion Neal takes a pass into the end zone and Tennessee has the lead. Wow.

Tennessee 30 Georgia 27 :42 2nd

Give Georgia credit. Murray patiently marched down the field in 37 seconds and setting up a 50-yard Marshall Morgan FG to tie the score.

60 points in the first half? Might be time for another box wine run, Tennessee fans, because we have a shootout!

Tennessee 30 Georgia 30 End of 1st Half

10:44

Baby Back Todd Gurley is awesome. He’s got 112 yards on 14 carries and three touchdowns. He hits holes like Adrian Peterson, going 100-mph the instant he touches the ball. Very impressive.

10:12

Tennessee’s defense is getting shredded both running and passing. They are a non-factor at this point. Georgia marches 69 yards in 6 plays before Murray hits Michael Bennett for an 8-yard TD.

Georgia 37 Tennessee 30 10:12 3rd

9:06

Jarvis Jones has been great this season. He’s even getting Heisman buzz. The main reason he won’t win the Heisman is because he might not even be the best linebacker on his own team. Alec Ogletree is all over the field today. He moves like a wide receiver.

8:02

Georgia blocks the punt! The punt is blocked by Marc Deas. I know what you’re thinking and yes, he is the grandson of Deas Nuts.

6:32

Georgia goes five wide and Murray hits Michael Bennett for a 32-yard touchdown. Tennessee’s defense is awful. We saw it in the Florida game, but it doesn’t look like they have the horses to go a full four quarters.

Marshall Morgan’s extra point is blocked. That’s the 3rd missed extra point in this game. I think these kickers are out of gas. They didn’t expect to be kicking this often.

Georgia 43 Tennessee 30

4:13

Cordarrelle! Really? Who needs to catch when you can just do that? Cordarrelle Patterson got the ball on a reverse and spends the next twenty seconds singling out every individual on the Georgia defense then juking them. 46-yard touchdown run! Cordarrelle, Cordarrelle, Cordarrelle.

Georgia 43 Tennessee 37

This game is a lot of fun to watch but both teams should be very concerned with their defenses. Both of these teams might score fifty. What’s going on with crazy face Todd Grantham’s boys?

3:18

Aaron Murray is a very good player. He’s 5/5 for 92 yards and two touchdowns in the second half. Was Tennessee’s defense butt-chugging during half time? They are a non-factor.

Somewhere in America, Kenny Chesney is wondering, “What rhymes with Butt-Chugging?”

3:06

With that said, Aaron Murray might be the third best player in his own backfield. Baby Back Keith Marshall sets down his sippy cup and goes 72 yards right into the heart of Tennessee’s “defense”. This is a video game.

Dooley burns a timeout because they only had nine men on the field for the conversion. They figure things out and Georgia still converts. Ouch.

Georgia 51 Tennessee 37

“As good as that was for Georgia, it’s as embarrassing as it was for Tennessee. They run an off-tackle dive play and nobody touches the tailback.” – Gary Danielson

88 points is the most combined points in a single game and there is still three minutes left in the 3rd.

2:17

Bray hits Machete Rivera for a 62-yard completion, setting up a chip shot 28-yard FG. He missed it. Mark Richt celebrates the missed FG like he just scored the goal to win the World Cup. Stay Classy, Coach.

Georgia 51 Tennessee 37 End of 3rd Quarter

11:25

Georgia’s defense is running out of gas. Bray and Rajoin Neal are marching down the field in 5-8 yard clips.

Bray is just dancing around in the pocket, and keeps the ball down below his waist while barely avoiding defenders. How is Georgia not getting a hand on the ball?

8:56

Rajion Neal goes right down the throat of Georgia’s defense for a 9-yard touchdown. With each score this game becomes less impressive.

Georgia 51 Tennessee 44 8:56 4th

7:51

Georgia can’t get anything going and settle for a punt. It’s crazy to think this game could be tied in a few minutes with both teams over 50.

5:55

“Known as a Gunslinger, and sometimes that’s not a great thing.” – Verne Lundquist

Under pressure, Bray tried to go to Cordarrelle’s back shoulder but was fading away and Sanders Commings picked it off. Bray’s been getting a little lazy with his mechanics as the game has worn on and it bites him there.

4:15

Ah, Georgia had a chance to put this game away and Rantavious Wooten, all alone in the middle of the field, dropped the pass on 3rd and 6. It was a very Georgia-like drop. I feel like I see that exact drop five times every season from the Dawgs.

1:22

It was bound to happen! Bray has been loose with the ball all half and Jordan Jenkins makes him pay, with the strip. That fumble should lock it up for the Dawgs. Bad turnover for Bray, but I’m shocked it didn’t happen earlier.

Each time something bad happens to Tennessee, all I can see in the slow motion replay is Derek Dooley’s stupid pants. He’s got to let those go.

:15

Tennessee gets the ball back at their own 35-yard line. Bray is going to try to setup the Hail Mary.

:07

“Known as a Gunslinger, and sometimes that’s not a great thing.” – Verne Lundquist

Bray throws another pick, and Georgia is going to escape with the win.

Tough loss, Volunteers. It looks like there is going to be a run on boxed wine and KY jelly in Knoxville tonight.

Honestly, Butt-Chugging? Come on.

Georgia 51 Tennessee 44 Final

COMMENTS

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  • I love your articles and have nothing to say other than they always give me a huge laugh. However, if I hear that Marshall and Gurley both came out of North Carolina together and its shocking that they are friends and even room mates, I may have to walk up to the press box and slap someone. We have heard it for 5 weeks straight and I wish Verne would butt chug and black out for the entirety of the game. He may as well since he thinks Marshall is Mitchell.

    • Seems like they’re always looking for some random factoid like that to obsess over. Remember the “Murray and Charles are old high-school teammates and BFFs from Tampa” story? Sigh…

  • ….butt chugging? … Baby backs?…and Verne? Haha I’m dying over here….very amusing keep this play by play going next week.