This week in the world of college football

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Taking an obsession of college football even further as we scour the country for the best stories in the game…

Collin Klein Hates Kissing

Kansas State Quarterback Collin Klein didn’t kiss the girl who became his wife until a man of God gave him the green light at the altar, and he wants to shout it from the mountain tops.  In the words of Lewis Grizzard, “Damn, brother, I don’t believe I’d told that.”

Amazing how one little anecdote can change your entire persona, huh?  We have a vague idea of what the sexual norm in society is, and there are sexual extremes. We shun people who drift too far from sexual norm, and it’s completely deserved. Fetish stuff, bondage, couple sharing, and fat people are all sexual arenas that we know exist but prefer remain completely hidden.  If a buddy confided to me that he’s really into pregnancy porn I would probably say something along the lines of, “Huh, yeah?.. OK… that’s cool man,” but inside I’m looking for exits to the building and hoping he didn’t put something in my drink. Voluntarily not kissing a girl until you are married is equivalent to pregnancy porn. Sure, it’s on the opposite side of normal, but it’s equally far away and equally disturbing.

You don’t tell people that!  You don’t brag about being a nut job!  I mean, there are dudes out there who can’t kiss a girl, Collin.  Like red headed guys or guys who completely lack chin definition. You’re mocking those poor bastards, Collin. Even Tim Tebow thinks this approach is overkill. You’re a quarterback, Collin, America needs you to act like it.

Alabama vs. Oregon: A Philosophical Battle to the Death

One of the many reasons why College Football is better than the NFL is the access to nearly every game (and for no extra cost).  From 12 to 12 you can basically watch anything you could possibly want to watch if you are willing to put in the time to memorize channels and master your remote.  I am to college football couch channel surfing what Stephen Hawking is to wheelchair theoretical physics. I utilize DVR’s, commercial breaks, injury breaks and replays to find where the action is. If an outsider wondered upon me watching a game, it would be similar to the following video from The Beautiful Mind.

Because of the complete access, college football fans have the tools to be well educated followers not only of their particular team but the entire sport (barring complete myopia). I made the most of my access last Saturday night and watched both Alabama vs. LSU and Oregon vs. USC.  The differences were hysterical.

The SEC battle was remarkably physical. NFL talent was all over the field. The hitting was hard and play calls were conservative (minus a few Mad Hatter moments).  It was like watching heavy weight fighters trying to avoid the big punch, which is often not a lot of fun to watch.

The Pac 12 shootout was video game like. Breathtaking offense, nonexistent defense. NFL talent was there, too, but less of it. It was entertaining as hell, like watching Parkour.

Nick Saban vs Chip Kelly seems like the matchup everyone wants to see. The contrasting philosophies would make for great pregame conversation but probably wouldn’t lead to a great BCS Championship game.

People keep referring back to the Auburn–Oregon game from January 2011. It came down to a field goal.  Oregon hung with but ultimately lost to an Auburn team that had some dominant players but wasn’t a dominant team.  Also, Auburn was coached by Gene Chizik (the guy who will likely be fired in a few weeks), not Nick Saban.

If you want a better feel for what an Alabama vs. Oregon BCS championship game would look like refer back to the LSU vs. Oregon game from last season.  LSU pounded the Ducks 40-27, but it wasn’t as close as that score makes it look.  Oregon had four turnovers and Heisman favorite RB LaMichael James managed only 54 yards on 18 carries.  LSU controlled the game and did so with their backup quarterback (Jordan Jefferson was suspended for curb stomping a Marine).  LSU had the entire off-season to prepare for Oregon’s offense, and it showed.

The final score of the Oregon-USC game was 62-51.  That’s not a BCS Championship game score; that’s not a Super Bowl score.  That’s an Arena Bowl score.  Nobody thinks the Arizona Rattlers could beat the NY Giants simply because they score so much (they defeated the Philadelphia Soul 72-54 in ArenaBowl XXV.)  I like Oregon a lot, and I hope this game happens, but I have a feeling I how it will end.

The Completely Predictable Collapse of Lane Kiffin

What’s that, Lane Kiffin is failing to live up to expectations?  That’s honestly the least surprising thing I’ve ever heard.

Remember when it was announced that Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie were doing Mr. and Mrs. Smith together?  The hottest guy and hottest girl in Hollywood on the same set for months on end? I wonder how this one ends? Lane Kiffin struggling this season is equally predictable.

Lane was 5-15 as a head coach in the NFL. He was 7-6 in his one season at Tennessee. Both times, his mouth and behavior drew more attention than anything that ever happened on the field. Why is anyone surprised that preseason #1 USC now has three losses, that Matt Barkley’s stock is plummeting, and that Kiffin’s hijinks are drawing more buzz than Marquis Lee’s spectacular season?  This is exactly who Lane Kiffin is.  He’s Lane Ochocinco. Pac-Man Kiffin. He’s a clown.

The only real surprise is how he’s dragging his father down with him. Monte Kiffin was a legend with the Tampa Bay Bucs, and now his defense can’t keep Oregon under 700 total yards. 700! He looked lost out there. It was like watching Kirk Douglas give a speech at the Oscars. What a nightmare.

Kiffin will likely lose two more games, get fired and then get a job as the next James Bond or get the lead in the Fifty Shades of Grey movie. He’ll keep failing forward.

But hey, at least he kissed Layla before they got married, right?

Photo Credit: Kirby Lee-US PRESSWIRE

REFERENCES

COMMENTS

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  • Yeah but I bet he also used that as motivation to make some changes. Oregon was in a shootout with USC who can score on anyone with the talent they have at the skill positions. That was just the nature of the game. Other than that the Oregon Defense has played well…and they look more physical too. Bet Kelly went back to the drawing board last year knowing it wasnt good enough to just be faster than everyone. Changes in the weightroom and practice can pay dividends in one year. As for up front you cant coach size but you can get stronger and practice better technique.

  • Wallace, you clever bastard. Great read. Are you going to be making this a weekly read like your Monday recap article?

  • I will take neither and offer, Urban “I retire from football for time with my family. Scratch that…Ohio State just offered me a few million” Meyer.

  • Pathetic waste of typing……all I have to do is to press DELE_ _………

  • Wallace I just lost any respect I had for you. Saying that a dude is equally weird as someone who looks at pregnancy porn for not kissing a girl. Something I think every guy dreads doing is telling his wife all the things he’s done with girls in the past. Could you imagine telling your wife, “No I never touched anyone, never even KISSED anyone ’til you.” That would be freaking awesome. I love kissing as much as the next guy but more power to you if you hold on til you’re married. I wasn’t much of a Klein fan til I just read your article…now I hope he wins the Heisman and gets a shot at a National Championship. So I guess your article did show that there are still some real men out there…

    • Understand where you’re coming from, Seth. But lighten up just a little bit. It’s a funny satire on Collin Klein. Of course Klein is great guy, SDS always pokes fun at some other guys from the conference. He’s going to win the Heisman. This isn’t half as bad of some stuff I’ve seen Wallace write. Great writer with funny material. It’s all in good fun.

      Wallace – you’re a stud. Keep ‘em coming.

    • I agree. Collin Klein is a freaking stud. Mad respect for him. The writer just trying to be funny which is fine. Overall a good read.

      • I understand that he’s just trying to be funny but he went a little too far with the whole bondage/porn and all that stuff…

        • They’re right, Seth, you sound like a total puss.

          Homework assignment: Go ask your wife how your relationship would have progressed had young Seth told her upon meeting her, “Listen, I’m not kissing you until we get married.” Ask her if she would have stuck around for one date, much less years of courtship. Or would she have moved on to a more normal guy with less issues with intimacy, his parents and God?

          I bet she would have moved on because she’s a normal person. I’ve never met a woman in my entire life who is looking for that.

        • I’m guessing their first kiss looked something like this. There’s nothing remotely normal about it. Well done, Wallace. Well done.
          http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xp-jZyzQSms

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