SEC Media Days 2013: What They Meant To Say

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Mike Slive, SEC Commissioner

“The SEC is considering buying the NFL.”

Johnny Manziel, Texas A&M QB

“They sent the oldest Manning brother, Cooper, and he told me to wake up and come to the film session. I laughed in his face, threw up the double birds and went back to sleep. Listen, I probably would have woken up for Peyton Manning, maybe the younger one or the old man, but Fredo Manning? No chance.” – On leaving the Manning Quarterback Camp

“How many Heisman’s have the Manning family won? That’s right, zero. These fools need to hit up my quarterback camp… It’s held in Panama City every March… Tell them to bring a flat-billed hat… and pick up some beer.”

“Have you seen his tattoo? Yeah, A.J. McCarron always makes great decisions.”

Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban

“I’ve spent the offseason tapping into a more powerful energy source. As a result I’m no longer a regular human like the rest of you in this room, despite our similar appearance; instead I’m more of a spiritual essence, a deity. I’m not saying I’m necessarily your God, but I am a God.” – On how he celebrated back to back titles

“Coaches calling me the devil don’t even get it. I’m operating on a higher consciousness than the Devil they grew up knowing. If you did a power rankings of Spiritual Beings and related those to a Power Ranking of SEC Coaches I would still be me and the Devil would be somewhere in the James Franklin range.” – On being called the Devil by SEC Coaches

“I am the Nucleus.” – On his role in College Football and the Universe

“Visiting my mind is like visiting the Hermès factory. Sh*t is real. You’re not going to find a chink. It’s 100,000 percent Jimi Hendrix.” – On how he will game plan for Johnny Manziel

“What is a Bear Bryant? I don’t understand your question.”

Kevin Sumlin, Texas A&M Head Coach

“Recruiting against Texas is actually pretty easy. Listen, I’m 48 but if I told you I was 35 you would believe it. Mack Brown is almost 62 but if I told you he was 79 years old you would believe it. So I start by telling every recruit that Mack Brown is 79 years old…”

Will Muschamp, Florida Head Coach

“Urban Meyer took a break from ignoring his family and mentoring murderers to report the University of Florida for minor NCAA violations? Yeah, that guy has his priorities straight.”

“We play Georgia in Jacksonville, at LSU, at South Carolina and if we’re lucky Alabama or Texas A&M. Out of conference we play Florida State and at Miami. So we have the hardest schedule in the SEC and the hardest schedule in the ACC… so, I’m sorry, what was your question about scheduling Georgia Southern?”

Les Miles, LSU Head Coach

“It doesn’t look good for the program when you see running back Jeremy Hill on film punching a man in the back of the head, but it looks worse when it’s his non-football buddy who actually manages to knock the guy out.”

“Alabama plays Tennessee and Missouri from the SEC East. Combined, they went 1-15 in the SEC. We play Florida and Georgia. Combined, they went 14-2. I’m just saying.”

Aaron Murray, Georgia Quarterback

“If coach tells me to spike that ball, and lets me run a real play there is a good chance we’re playing in the BCS Championship game against a team whose best player’s imaginary cancer ridden girlfriend just died in a car accident.”

Mark Richt, Georgia Head Coach

“It’s the only thing I think about. I literally have no other thoughts.”

A.J. McCarron, Alabama Quarterback

“No, I didn’t have time to take batting practice at every major league stadium this offseason. Between hanging out with my Sports Illustrated Swimsuit model girlfriend and watching my highlights from the BCS Championship game, I just didn’t have the time.”

Mark Stoops, Kentucky Head Coach

“My brother has lost all touch with reality. He plays maybe one challenging in-conference game every year then goes and gets smoked in the bowls. He used to be a great coach but victory has made him weak.”

“I’ll be honest, this season is going to be a disaster and I have very little hope for the future. I took this job just so I could get good tickets to see the basketball team play this year. Julius Randle? Andrew Harrison? They could beat most NBA teams!”

Gus Malzahn, Auburn Head Coach

“If you break down who was responsible for our National Championship it would go 60% Cam Newton, 40% Gus Malzahn and 0% Gene Chizik. Dude was worthless.”

Bret Bielema, Arkansas Head Coach

“This was a total cash grab. I can’t even look myself in the mirror.”

Steve Spurrier, South Carolina Head Coach

“Arkansas’ coach is named Bielema? Isn’t that when hot girls throw up their food to stay skinny?”

“Part of me is happy that I get to go an entire season without having to watch Marcus Lattimore’s leg fall off again.”

“I’m being totally honest with you when I say there is a 60% chance Jadeveon Clowney kills somebody on the field this year.”

Jadeveon Clowney, South Carolina Defensive End

“I’d say 100%.”

Dan Mullen, Head Coach Mississippi State

“South Carolina, Texas A&M, and Alabama, back to back to back…  See y’all in 2014.”

Hugh Freeze, Head Coach Ole Miss

“Dammit, stop staying how improved we’re going to be.  We got a nice class, but they are still Freshman.  Bo Wallace is nice, but we’re going to have to earn it.  Hell, I’ll be thrilled if we can get past Vandy week one!”

James Franklin, Vanderbilt Head Coach

“I think I’d be great at USC after they get rid of that clown Kiffin. Clemson is a dark horse, too.” – On his coaching future

Gary Pinkel, Missouri Head Coach

“We’ve made a huge mistake.”

Butch Jones, Tennessee Head Coach

“I’ve never even heard of myself.”

REFERENCES

COMMENTS

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  • I laughed so hard that there were tears…. granted, one or two of those tears were pain from the collective Gamecock psyche remembering Marcus Lattimore’s injury, but the kid is drafted, in high spirits, and making an amazing recovery, so I doubt he’d mind the satire.

  • “I’d go right at Clowney….because I’m Johnny F-ing Football….and I’m 20 years old…YOLO b-tches! And just think about all of the sympathy sex I could get after my career was tragically ended. I mean let’s be honest…I’ve pretty much milked this college thing for all it’s worth so time to move on to the Paralympics. Dude, have you seen those foreign girls? I got a pole they can vault on know what I’m sayin bro? (Akwardly High fives the reporter)” – Johnny Manziel

  • My favorite was about Spurrier: “Arkansas’ coach is named Bielema? Isn’t that when hot girls throw up their food to stay skinny?”

  • Keep talking s*** a-holes. this year you can knockout 3 offensive lineman and we will still be good. of course if you knock out four then we’re going to suck.

  • Did you forget to dramatize the Spurrier quotes? Those all legitimately sound like something OBC would say. lol

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