Drinking Game Rules:
Whenever a CBS commentator says the following…
“Manziel” and “Off-field” said in the same sentence: Drink
“Saban had 9 months to prepare”: Drink
“Katherine Webb”: Drink
“Called Saban the Devil”: Drink
“Manning Passing Academy”: Chug
“Manziel’s publicist/boy-slave, Uncle Nate”: Butt-Chug, Tennessee style
“Johnny Manziel is the most polarizing figure in all of college sports, in part because of the well documented off the field activities.” – Verne. Drink. The game hasn’t even started yet. Somebody let Bobby Blackout know I’m coming over.
By the way, Verne Lundquist has become a perfect circle. He looks like the Kool-Aid Man.
“It all going to come down to what we do in this little 53 yards by 100 yard triangle.” – Nick Saban
Triangle? He really does see things different than all the rest of us. #Genius
“Geometry may be off.” – Danielson. Awesome.
A&M will receive the opening kickoff. Let’s see what Johnny Football 2013 is all about…
48 yards in two plays. Yep, looks familiar.
“Whoops, mistake… touchdown.” – Verne
Manziel runs into his running back on the fake handoff, but like most Manziel mistakes, including those involving the NCAA, he totally gets away with it. Manziel hits Cameron Clear for the easy touchdown after an easy drive.
Texas A&M 7 Alabama 0 12:21 1st
Texas A&M offensive coordinator Jake Spavital might lack the raw sex appeal of former coordinator Kliff Kingsburry, but he called some nice plays on that drive. Sure, he may physically be a 5 following Kingsburry stone cold 9, but on this drive, on this day, Jake Spavital was the prettiest boy Texas.
Alabama seems a little shaken by the two vertical walls of humans that make up Texas A&M’s stadium. A few penalties and a few bad plays result in a quick punt. This could be trouble…
Johnny Quarterback! Manziel hit’s Mike Evans for a big 34-yard gain and goes down the 1. The Aggies punch it in two plays later. I’ve seen the start to this movie before, but let’s see if it ends like last year’s Florida game or last year’s Oklahoma game for the Aggies.
Texas A&M 14 Alabama 0 7:47 1st
Well, Texas A&M defense has finally showed up. Alabama is cruising down the field with this up-tempo offense. I though Saban found up-tempo immoral and dangerous? Saban knows they need a TD here or this game might be over before it starts.
I guess A.J. McCarron did make the trip from Alabama. McCarron hits Norwood for a 22-yard touchdown. Back shoulder style. Alabama is so loaded. Norwood looks like Dez Bryant on that play. He caught that ball 13 feet in the air. So nasty.
Texas A&M 14 Alabama 7
Let’s see how A&M responds… Brandon Williams takes a bouncing kickoff off his chest like he’s the coach’s kid playing shortstop when he should be playing right field, and it bounces out of bounds at the 2-yard line. Ouch.
Johnny Manziel is a serious football player. 3rd and 2 from inside Alabama’s 10 yard line and a laid back Manziel scrambles and hits Mike Evans for a 34-yard gain. Filthy.
Alabama seems to be adjusting to Manziel and A&M’s speed. Evans gets a huge, likely drive killing push-off… except it didn’t look like much of a push-off to me. Regardless, this drive is over.
A&M can’t cover Amari Cooper or anybody else for that matter. He’s got 2 catches for 34 yards and if McCarron was on his game early he would have doubled that already.
Wow. Alabama catches another break with the officals. Big Cyrus jumps on 1st and 10 on the 40 yard line, clearly with 1 second on the clock. No worries, the refs said the quarter was over and saved the Tide 10 yards. You can’t make mistakes like that in 2013. If you think he jumped, you can just rewind and watch the tackle clearly jump with 1 second left instead of watching a Subway commercial. He jumped.
End of 1st Quarter Texas A&M 14 Alabama 7
Flea Flicker! What is this, a video game from 1999?
McCarron hands the ball off to Jalston Fowler who flips it back to McCarron, who hits DeAndrew White for a 48-yard touchdown. Wide open.
Jalston? DeAndrew? Alabama’s team names are right out of a Key and Peele skit.
Xmus Jackson Flaxon-Waxon with a key block.
14:15 2nd Alabama 14 Texas A&M 14
Shoot out! When A&M came over from the SEC, we joked that their Big12 style couldn’t hold up in the SEC. With the looks as this game, the Big 12 style has taken over the SEC style. A lot of throws and zero defense.
I’ve never seen that before. Mike Matthews, son or relative of pretty much every other white guy who’s ever played in the NFL, snapped the ball, but didn’t. He forgot to let it go and resulted in a false start. The center’s sticky hands are the only thing that can slow down this A&M offense.
Ok… ok… Johnny… ok… ok. I don’t know what I just saw. On 3rd and 8, Johnny Manziel pulled out a play from the depths of his ass that have previously been uncharted. Honestly, this kid has wizard blood flowing through his veins. I don’t know what just happened. I’m assuming the devil is involved.
“Johnny Manziel threw that last one 45 yards… for a 12 yard gain.” – Verne Lundquist. He’s the best talking sphere in the history of college football play-by-play.
Damn, man, Johnny Football needs a new stock photo for CBS. He looks like he just got out of Vietnam boot camp and hasn’t used his ProActiv in 3 months. Come on, Uncle Nate, what good are you if you can’t get a decent looking picture of Johnny on CBS?
“He got too cocky on this one.” – Gary Danielson
Yep. Johnny Football makes the worst play of his young career, throwing an awful interception in the end zone. If that had been Jeff Driskel, sure, I might understand that mistake, but not Johnny F. Somewhere John Heisman is crying.
The worst part is it didn’t even need to happen. 2nd and goal, the offense is cruising and he gifts Cyrus Jones one of the easiest INT’s in his life. Why, Johnny, Why?
Manziel can’t make mistakes today. Not with this defense. Alabama’s offensive line is settling in and looking like the dominant offensive lines we’ve seen from Alabama. Manziel might not need to be perfect, but, actually yeah, he does need to be perfect. His defense is terrible.
Proving my point for me. Kenny Bell gets a swing pass and Clay Honeycutt takes the wrong path to the receiver and Bell jogs 51 yards for the touchdown. Bell is a great player, but I don’t think he expected that pass to go for six. You aren’t going to win games against Alabama with corners named Clay Honeycutt. Clay Honeycutt’s win Member Guest Tournaments, they don’t cover Kenny Bell.
A&M’s defense is AWFUL.
8:55 Alabama 21 Texas A&M 14
LaQuvionte Gonzalez returns the kick… Come on, did A&M sell the naming rights of their players to Key & Peele?
But seriously, nice block by Quackadilly Blip.
HaHa Clinton-Dix, another great name, just got tossed. WOW.
It looked like he was trying to make a INT and the top of his helmet hit the receiver Derel Walker in the chin. Questionable helmet-to-helmet penalty and definitely not a targeting call as it was called on the field. Apparently, this can be overruled by the replay official. Danielson and I will be shocked if this isn’t overruled. The penalty will stand, but not the targeting call…
We’re right. The officials made the right call. HaHa stays and we all win.
A big 3rd and 6 for Alabama’s defense and they baited Manziel to run right into the arms of their linebackers. Alabama has made their adjustments. Let’s see if Manziel and Sumlin can make theirs.
Verne made a Manning Passing Academy reference. Drink.
I’ve now seen Texas and Texas A&M this year and I’m pretty sure nobody in the state of Texas can tackle. T.J. Yeldon is rolling now. Are A&M defenders trying to tackle Yeldon or give him high fives on his way to the endzone?
This is looking like a 5 minute drive full of 7 yard runs that will end with a touchdown before the half.
Sumlin agrees and calls a timeout. It looks like he’s going into the crowd and asking the cadets if anyone wants to try to tackle Yeldon. They pass. Sumlin is stuck with these guys.
I don’t know if I’ve mentioned this but A&M’s defense is TERRIBLE. McCarron isn’t even making great throws but the receivers have 15 yards in every direction to make their adjustments.
Inevitability is sinking in. Alabama had a 3rd and 4 around midfield and the question wasn’t IF the Tide are going to pick this up but HOW they will pick this up. McCarron hits tight end Brian Vogler for the 1st down. Again, wide open.
Will the Tide accidently score too quickly?
Manziel looks terrible on the sideline. He looks tired. Classic Jack & Coke sweats. Were he and Uncle Nate getting bottle service at the Outback in College Station last night?
Touchdown, Alabama! TJ Yeldon hit a speed bump in the form of some nameless A&M defender. The touchdown was expected as soon as A&M punted, but the big news was Yeldon imitating Manziel’s money hands celebration followed by a throat slash. Yeah, that’s 15 yards on the kick off. Not the kind of thing you want to give the Heisman Trophy winner in a stadium desperate for something to explode about.
28 straight points for the defending champs.
Another big miss for Manziel. Malcolm Kennedy was wide open inside the 10 and Manziel misses him. He’s not showing the flare he had last year. The shots on the sidelines don’t show the typical cocky quarterback, instead he looks like a tired, moping kid.
Alabama 28 Texas A&M 14 End of 1st Half
3rd and 10 for Alabama. This is a HUGE play for Texas A&M. They need this stop bad.
False start Alabama. Cyrus Kouandjio jumped. Not many people know this but Kouandjio means “Moves before the whistle” in Cameroonian.
McCarron had dangerous-ass Christion Jones in the flats and missed him. Punt. This is what A&M needed.
Nope. Manziel tried to thread the needle in triple coverage and threw another interception to Vinni Sunseri. Bad decision…
And we finally found somebody who is worse at tackling than the A&M defense and it’s the A&M offense. Vinnie Sunseri takes the ball back 70 yards for the touchdown.
This game is one imaginary dead girlfriend away from being an exact replica of the BCS title game.
Manziel looks a step slow. Maybe drinking and taking batting practice wasn’t the best way to spend his offseason after all?
Wow. Big pass interference on Alabama on 3rd and 14. A&M is gifted a first down and there is still a lot of time left. If they can get back on the board here they can still make a game of this.
Boom. Touchdown Texas A&M. Manziel hits Malcolm Kennedy on a simple slant route. 14 point game with A LOT of football to be played. Let’s see if Alabama’s defense has enough in their tank. More importantly, let’s see if A&M’s defense can make more stops.
Alabama 35 Texas A&M 21 9:32 3rd
What is up with Manziel’s body language? He just scored a TD and he’s walking around the sidelines like he just found out he has cancer. Did Drake tweet something negative about his INT? OMG
CBS just said Alabama is averaging 10 yards a play. Yeah, not a good stat if you are trying to come from behind.
Nobody does soul destroying drives quite like Alabama.
Alabama 42 Texas A&M 21 4:16 3rd
Texas A&m might not get the ball back today. Alabama can get first downs whenever they want to get first downs, but they are choosing to just run the clock out a little bit.
This is boring. Where the hell is Katherine Webb. Did they break up? Come on CBS, give me something to look at other than 8-yard carries every play. I guess I’ll have to go back to Google Images, AGAIN. Thanks, CBS!
Alabama 42 Texas A&M 21 End of 3rd
Hey, A&M got a stop… Oh, shit, here come the Locust!
Manziel can still embarrass people. On 2nd and 1 Manziel broke into the open field and made Reggie Ragland grope air. On the next play he completes a pass to Derel Walker for 24 yards. He’s still trying and he’s starting to look like Johnny Football again.
Touchdown! Johnny Manziel hits Malcolm Kennedy for an easy TD on an easy drive. Lundquist says they need a perfect quarter and they got the start they needed.
Alabama 42 Texas A&M 28 13:20 4th
Can the Aggies get a stop?
“Gary, it feels like Saban is building an army, in an effort to install a new reign of darkness upon all mankind.” – Lundquest. Drink. OK, that didn’t happen, but it’s getting a little late, might as well get smashed
And there is the worst rule in sports. If a defensive player gets his helmet knocked off, he has to stop playing football. If he doesn’t stop playing? 15 yard penalty. So in this case the Alabama lineman pushes his helmet off his head and A&M gets dinged for the 15-yards because the A&M lineman kept trying to do his job.
1st and 10 inside the 20. A&M needs a turnover and they haven’t sniffed one today.
Wow… Wow. The only chance A&M had to stay in this game was a fumble, and T.J. Yeldon gave them the fumble they needed. Wow.
And with that fumble Todd Gurley wins the SEC First Team Running Back. Congrats, Todd.
Clay Honeycutt forced the fumble… Please accept my apology, Clay.
Let’s see what Johnny Football can do out of his own end zone…
Holy Shit. Seriously. Wright Thompson might be able to phrase it more poetically, but that’s all I got.
Johnny Football, from his own end zone, throws a perfect pass to Michael Evans, who willed himself past the Alabama secondary and goes in for the 300 yard touchdown!
“He’s the Magic Man!” – Gary Danielson
Johnny Football, Ladies and Gentlemen.
Mike Evans is awesome, by the way.
Alabama 35 Texas A&M 28 8:04 4th
Come on Kicker! You have two jobs, and you just screwed up the easy one! With the out of bounds kick off, Alabama is now five T.J. Yeldon 10-yard carries on first down away from ending this game with a field goal.
Well, that’s exactly what’s happened. Alabama can’t be stopped. Yeldon won’t fumble again, folks. He’s going to have to be wrapped up and A&M just can’t do that.
Worst case scenario for Alabama this drive ends on a chip shot FG and they go up two scores. It’s a nice place to be.
Best case, McCarron hits the full back Fowler for the easiest touchdown in football history… That’s what happened, by the way. McCarron and Alabama’s offense, for what seems like the 50th time today, marched right down the field and sucked the soul out of every Aggie fan in Texas. As if they fumbled on purpose and gave up the 1000 yard touchdown simply to destroy the spirit out of everyone in College Station. Perfect end to a perfect drive.
Alabama 42 Texas A&M 35 2:28 4th
Classic McCarron game. 22 of 29. 334 yards, 4 touchdowns and… wait for it… zero interceptions. That was the difference. Manziel made two mistakes. Two mistakes, that’s it. Game over. As we learned last week with Florida against Miami, when you have a one-dimensional football team, you need that one-dimension to play perfectly. Florida’s defense didn’t last week and they lost. A&M offense didn’t this week and they lost. It’s all about balance, people.
Saban is still coaching his ass off, as if he knows what will happen if Manziel somehow has the ball in his hands with a chance to tie or win.
Wow. This team won’t die. On 1st and 10 Manziel lobs it up into triple coverage on the 5 yard line and Evans makes the catch. Under 30 seconds left, down 14 and Manziel still has a prayer.
Oh, what a throw. Johnny Quarterback.
Manziel hits Malcome Kennedy and cuts it to a 7 point game (that’s a Texas A&M cover, ladies and gentlemen).
Alabama 49 Texas A&M 42 :15 4th
Onside kick coming…
How great is college football…
Do you think Drake is watching…
Honestly, where is K-Webb?
Here’s the kick…
Amari Cooper, looking like Derek Jeter, pulls it in and Alabama wins. Sabah wins. McCarron wins. America wins.
Wow. What a game.
Alabama 49 Texas A&M 42 Final
“You just took 10 years off my life.” – Nick Saban to Kevin Sumlin at post-game handshake
Photo Credit: USA Today Sports Images