Our weekly SEC football recap article where we celebrate the highlights and have some fun with the lowlights…

If we had an espresso machine I would have opened up that nozzle and locked on to it like a baby being breastfed in public. The Southeastern Conference football teams collaborated in putting together the worst one-day non-conference line up ever. It included opponents such as Lamar, Nicholl’s State,  Eastern Michigan and Vanderbilt.

In fact, the best opponent in this short football season might be inclement weather.

Sure, Ole Miss and Vandy WAS a great game in 2013, but not so much in 2014. The combination of James Franklin’s leadership and Jordan Matthew’s unbelievable catching ability led to one of the most exciting games of last season. Thus far, the post-Franklin era in Nashville is off to a disastrous start.

Vanderbilt has successfully gone from a bowl team to a team that is incapable of scoring an offensive touchdown. In fact, Vanderbilt’s ONLY scoring drive was 4 plays, -4 yards. Negative yards leading to a field goal.

Dr. Bo showed up this week, but I don’t know what that is really saying. I’m pretty sure you, the reader, could get out there and throw for whatever you wanted against the anchors that are the Vanderbilt defense.

We love Saban + Kiffin

Maybe we’re making too much of the Kiffin/Saban relationship, but these readily available screengrabs of Saban looming over Kiffin are just too good.

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In addition to the endless Kiffin fun, it appears that Blake Sims is the guy for the Tide. 11 of 13 for 214 yards, he averaged 16.5 yards per pass attempt – roughly double that of Jake Coker.

Music continues to be an emphasis for Tennessee

We’ve been real slow to buy into the whole “Third Down For What” movement that is brewing in Knoxville. But, damnit I’m not about to be called unpatriotic. Maybe you are struggling to find the parallel between the two. If you are, I’m sorry. Let me go ahead and get you up to speed.

Yeah, that is THE Lee Greenwood. If Lee’s on board, I’m on board.  I’ll follow that man to the shores of Tripoli. As long as he’s got this jacket, I’m in.

Pinkel Bowl

To celebrate Gary Pinkel as the all time winningest coach for both the Toledo and Missouri football programs, the Toledo fans decided to bring out the vuvuzelas. No one outside of futbol should have to deal with the buzzzzzz that is generated by those eardrum busters.

In additional to the ridiculous noise makers, the next question is naturally regarding the name of the Toledo football stadium. The “Glass Bowl” doesn’t exactly strike fear into an opponent’s heart. If you handle us just a little too rough, we’ll break.

We’re desperately hoping Maty Mauk becomes a rockstar. He’s got the athleticism, the look, the swagger and the tendency to pull a 64-hour gambling binge at the Mississippi River casino boats. Ok, we made up the last part, but hey, we can dream right? Mauk’s on-field play is aggressive and sometimes erratic. In other words, the entertainment level is fantastic. Six touchdowns – five in the air, one on the ground – mark a great performance for Mauk against a decent Toledo squad. Time to pile up some stats in SEC play and maybe an off-field transgression or two.

Mississippi State

We’re confused by Mississippi State. First, they missed two extra points and successfully banked another one in. Furthermore, Dan Mullen’s offensive approach makes us scratch our heads. I had 4,001 people tell me Dak Prescott would win the Heisman in 2014, yet Mullen seems to disagree. Why is he rotating QBs so much?  Regardless, they look average at best.

Mullen’s best moment in 2014 still remains this.

Go Cats

Kentucky is still playing good football. The Heafty Lefty made a sideline appearance, and we can confirm he is still heafty. Like, really heafty. Coach Cal is still the man. All is good in the bluegrass state.

Muschamp and Bueilemma (is that right?) get our attention

Blow outs. That’s what Florida football and Arkansas football is all about in 2014. The Gators and Hogs combined to beat Eastern Michigan and Nicholl’s State by a score of 138-7. Both coaches are out to prove that their teams are not horrible, and the poor bastards on the opposing sidelines bore the brunt of Muschamp’s and Buelleimma’s frustrations.

The tension inside these coaches and their respective teams exploded upon their opponents on Saturday leading to record offensive performances. Muschamp secured the largest Florida shutout win since 1996 easily leaping the Ron Zook and Urban Meyer eras. Meanwhile, Billuema scored the most points for Arkansas in the modern college football era.

While the points were impressive, even more impressive was how the teams kept the pedal down late into the game. Bueilemia hated Nicholl’s State so much that he spent 10 minutes challenging a mid-field first down ruling while up 63-0. We’re not kidding, Nicholl’s State finally moved the chains while being down 7 touchdowns and Beileama challenged the call! Down in Gainesville, Muschamp put in an interestingly talented backup quarterback in Treon Harris who proceeded to drop bombs immediately. His first two passes in his career went for 148 yards and two touchdowns.

All kidding aside, Muschamp and Beilema secured impressive wins over crappy teams which is exactly what they needed to do this week. We look forward to Arkansas and Florida playing teams with talent levels over that of Rocco Globbo’s Typewriter Maintenance School for Women.

South Carolina holds on

For the second week in a row, South Carolina fans leave Saturday with not exactly a high degree of confidence in their chances this year in the SEC East. It’s a reminder when you lose talent like Jadeveon Clowney, Kelcy Quarles, Bruce Ellington, Connor Shaw, and a couple of starting corners, it’s not trivial. Is the East a two team race? No disrespect to Mauktober, of course.

Does Spurrier have it in him to build up this team into top ten status again?

The Aggies just make plays

If I have a son at some point in the near future, the name will come down to either Speedy Noil or Kenny Trill, my two favorite human beings in 2014. Never did I think Johnny Manziel would become nothing to me so quickly, but Sumlin’s band of Trill, Speedy and Seal-Jones is doing just that. In another ridiculous cupcake game, the Aggies tore up Lamar, also fondly known as the alma mater of Kevin Millar.

Key Plays

Does Florida have a legit playmaker on offense? Demarcus Robinson might put up some numbers at the wide receiver position in 2014. Treon Harris – backup QB – didn’t look too shabby on this throw either.

All-world recruiting Leonard Fournette got in the end zone against Sam Houston State and then struck a Heisman pose. It was everything we hoped for.

Missouri’s Maty Mauk did his thing against Toledo – can he lead this team back to Atlanta?

Alabama’s Amari Cooper is one of the top players in the country.

What they meant to say

“That first down call was outrageous! I plan to file a grievance to the NCAA.” -Bret Beilema, Hater of all things Nicholl’s State

“Offense is so easy.“ -Will Muschamp, Offensive Guru

“Practice is cancelled for the week, I’ve got a seniors tournament coming up.” -Steve Spurrier, amatuer golfer

“I thought they gave a Heisman out every game” -Leonard Fournette, Week 2 Heisman Winner