Well well well, look who came crawling back. I know what you said last week. Don’t play dumb, Joebin. Remember? You read my preseason predictions for Kentucky and then you mumbled something under your breath. Need me to refresh your memory? How about, “I disagree with the assessment that Kentucky will defeat Georgia next season when they play against each other in a football game.” Remember that? You said it plain as day, and it hurt. No, don’t even start to apologize, the damage is done. I’m over it. I just know who my real friends are.
All things considered, the people of Georgia have overcome many challenges, like illiteracy, scurvy, and the movie ATL, to get to where they are today. It is truly inspiring that a group of people can rise up, unite as one, and come together to support a group of hard working, intelligent young men: the Georgia Tech football team.
Don’t get me wrong, I don’t hate Georgia. I think it’s a beautiful country, and I’m as happy as the next guy that they finally got away from mother Russia. It’s the University (sic) of Georgia football team that really gets under my skin. If you disagree with me, fine. You have every right to be wrong. But if you won’t listen to me, maybe you will listen to the top ten facts that support my conclusion that the Cats will rise again this fall:
10. Mark Richt isn’t the “Slick Leonard” y’all think he is.
Yes. Mark Richt sure does seem like a great guy, reading books and stuff. But do you know where he played college ball? That’s right. I know your dirty little secret: Mark Richt played football at the U in the 80’s. “Marky Mark,” as he was known back then, was the second string quarterback behind Jim “Wild Man” Kelly. Several former teammates reportedly referred to Richt as a “swell guy.” I don’t know about you, but when a 1980’s Miami Hurricane refers to someone as a “swell guy,” my hands start sweating. His Starter jacket wearing past will catch up to him, “Mark” my words. No pun intended.
9. Who is A.J. Green?
People always refer to this guy AJ Green. Allegedly he plays football for UGA. I watched the UK UGA game last year, and I don’t remember seeing him. I think people are mistakenly referring to A.C. Green, the basketball player. While A.C. Green was a really good player, he retired a long time ago, and he isn’t relevant at all in this conversation.
8. Joker Phillips has a good plan.
As you well know, Joker “Don’t call me funny” Phillips is the new coach for Kentucky. He allegedly turned down the Southern Cal job to stay at Kentucky, which really ended up being a good decision. When he was named the head coach in Lexington, Coach Phillips made a good move by simplifying his game plan to “Operation Win.” A lot of teams get a little too caught up in offensive plays and defensive schemes, but Joker’s approach is genius in its simplicity: Win. Between this, and calls from Snoop Dogg wanting to reminisce about old times, Richt could have a lot of sleepless nights this fall.
7. Georgia fans are too rational to pump their team up too much.
It is perfectly reasonable to dislike people that think visors are cool. And honestly, he’s right, the white based coat gets colors to stick better. No harm, no foul. Georgia fans are the salt of the earth, and definitely a little too “normal” for my liking.
6. Aaron Murray is dangerous.
I know what you Georgia fans are thinking: “Of course he is dangerous, he has the ability to put some points up on that board.” But that’s not what I mean. ESPN.com said that young Aaron was a bit of a “gunslinger,” which obviously sends up more than a few red flags. With all the trouble the Tennessee football and basketball program went through last year, you should be concerned about this. If you want to see your future, my Dawgs, just Google “Gilbert Arenas.” There is no room in the college game for guns and violence, leave those to the video games where they belong.
5. Michael “Mike” Hartline and Morgan “Morgan” Newton are quarterbacks.
And by quarterbacks, I mean UK quarterbacks, and they are good. In case you missed it, Mike was in the middle of dismantling the Chickens of South Carolina last season before he hurt his knee. Morgan Newton, and Will “The Hillbilly Rockstar” Fidler filled in for the fallen star, and led the Cayuts to a big victory over Auburn. These two young men have only gotten better for this campaign.
On a personal note, Mike and I are buddies, and he once hit a window on a house with a golf ball from 190 yards away. With a pitching wedge. He had the accuracy to hit the window, but just the right touch not to break it. He hit the window with such a firm softness, the sweet old lady that lived in the house came out just to shake his hand. Oh, and my younger brother is good friends with Morgan and he said that young man eats a lot of food. Uh oh Dawgs, I he- I hea- I heaaa- It sounds like trouble.
4. Randall Cobb.
Randall Cobb’s back is reportedly still giving him trouble after being forced to carry his entire team for an entire season last year. Just like asking Damon “Red Panties” Evans, “What were you thinking???” There does not seem to be any answer on how anyone can stop Randall Cobb.
3. Commonwealth Stadium is not in Georgia.
Bad news. All around great guys Dontavius Jackson and Tavarres King did their best Lindsey Lohan impersonation last weekend and got into a whole heap of trouble. Apparently, leaving the scene of an accident at 2:30 in the morning is frowned on in Athens. Unfortunately for these guys, Lexington is in Kentucky, and their new ankle accessories will be beeping too loud in the huddle to even hear the plays.
2. Taylor Wyndham and JJ Helton are beasts.
You may recall Taylor Wyndham, he is the young man that hit Tim Tebow so hard that poor Timmy was crying like a school girl in the back of that John Deer Gator. Taylor reportedly spent the summer taking classes at Jay Z’s School of Hard Knocks, so look for young Taylor to deliver some hurt to the star of the new Disney Channel show “Hey Look Guys, I am the UGA Quarterback! The Musical.”
J.J. Helton is the long snapper for the Wildcat team, and thank heavens the Coaches had enough sense to keep him there. He is such a ferocious and uncontrollable beast that he would assuredly be convicted of numerous capital crimes if he was left on the field for more time. Sources tell me that the Kentucky weight training staff received quite the tongue lashing from J.J. for not ordering enough weight for his bicep curls. I don’t like Georgia much, but you better believe I’ll be praying for their safety if this monster gets let off his leash.
1. It’s the homecoming game, baby!
The players will be fired up all week just thinking about all the alumni parents of frat bros and sorority girls coming to visit campus for Homecoming weekend. The boys in blue will assuredly benefit from the pep rally across town as they play Spades and watch movies on demand in their hotel rooms. If anything, this is probably an advantage to the Georgia guys, because the Wildcats will be too nervous about the crowning of homecoming King and Queen to even focus on the game.
The real truth is that we all know that the people with authority (the decision makers in the athletic department) schedule pansies for their homecoming football games. They want the victory to keep the parties going for the students and make the alumni happy so they give large donations. Well this year, Kentucky selected the Georgia Bullgirls for the homecoming game. What does that say to you about them? I hope they are prepared to get slapped in the face. Let’s get the homecoming celebrations going!