Big Ten Division Names Better Than “Legends & Leaders”
Big Ten commissioner Jim Delany told a Chicago radio station the conference may reconsider their new division names Legends and Leaders. Apparently, Delany grew tired of listening to all of America laughing in his face.
Legends and Leaders is far too generic. The Big Ten needs division names that highlight the great Midwestern people and the region’s rich heritage and history. Here are a few options:
Henry Ford Division & Bob Evans Division
The two greatest Midwestern businessmen. Ford has given America the Mustang and the F-150. Bob Evans has given America extra gravy and childhood obesity.
Abraham Lincoln Division & Dan Quayle Division
Lincoln and Quayle are great Midwestern politicians. Lincoln in from Illinois and Quayle is from Indiana. Of course it would only be fair to stack the Lincoln Division with Ohio State, Michigan, Wisconsin, Penn State and Nebraska. Quayle can deal with the rest.
Charles Manson Division & Jeffery Dahmer Division
Charles Manson was born in Cincinnati and reportedly went crazy after being told Big Ten teams struggle in bowl games because the bowl games are played in the south. Jeffrey Dahmer grew up in Milwaukee eating brats, sauerkraut and human kidneys. Great examples of those “Midwestern Values” we always hear about.
Ron Jeremy Division & John Holmes Division
Two of this nation’s greatest male porn stars. Johnny “Wadd” Holmes swung from Ashville, Ohio. The Hedgehog might be or might not be from Clintonville, OH, but he did star in the 1999 Midwestern based movie Detroit Rock City. That’s got to count for something, right? The only problem is these are already the division names in the Mountain West Conference.
Steve McQueen Division & Steven Seagal Division
The Big Ten could go the Action Star route. Steve McQueen grew up in Beech Grove, Indiana before escaping to Hollywood in a daring motorcycle jump. Steven Segal was born in Lansing, Michigan. He dreamed of playing Linebacker for hometown Michigan State but NCAA ruled him ineligible after it was determined he was” way too badass”.
Larry Bird Division & LeBron James Division
The Big Ten could acknowledge the finest athletes from the Midwest. Larry Bird is to Indiana what Abraham Lincoln is to Illinois. The Akron born LeBron James was once the pride of Ohio before using the state as toilet paper and taking his talents to South Beach.
Cindy Crawford Division & Carmen Electra Division
The Illinois born Crawford and the Ohio born Electra were two of the most beautiful women in the world. And you said all Midwestern women had to pack on an extra 25 lbs to survive the winters. Obviously, only pictures of both women in their prime could be used.
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