Poisoning Trees? What’s Next?

Harvey Almorn Updike Jr. has changed the game forever.  Al from Dadeville, as he called himself in a January confession to Paul Finebaum, gave the majestic live oaks at Toomer’s Corner in Auburn a lethal injection of Spike 80DF and became the first hybrid Sports/Eco-terrorist.

I love trees more than anybody.  As a child I would climb trees.  In the summer I would find comfort in the shade of trees.  My favorite book is the Giving Tree, by Shell Silversteen.  However, this story doesn’t anger me.  It would be hypocritical of me or any American to get angry about the death of a tree.  George Washington murdered a cherry tree with an Ax and we teach our children about it and put him on money.  Paul Bunyan was a serial killer of trees and we call him a Folk Hero.  Drive through any neighborhood in America a few days after Christmas and you’ll find an Evergreen bloodbath.  Remember how The Giving Tree ended?  Spoiler Alert:  It’s involves a tree stump.  We kill trees all the time so I refuse to join the outraged crowd.

What makes this story so amazing is that Al for Dadeville killed these trees because of football.  He killed trees just to piss off Auburn fans.  Mission accomplished, Al.  He might go to jail for a few years, but anyone that crazy will proudly do his time.  The question is how will Auburn respond?  Will they attempt to match crazy with crazy?

You know they won’t just stand back and take this.  They can’t respond eye for an eye style, because Toomer’s Corner was one of a kind.  The Alabama mascot, Big Al, is an elephant.   Maybe they try to kill an elephant?   Nah, that’s not likely.  While that would be cruel, I don’t think Bama fans have any real emotional ties to elephants and it lacks the punch-in-the-gut feeling needed.  Besides, I doubt there is a zoo in Alabama.  They would probably need to travel to Atlanta to kill an elephant and it could go unnoticed in a city that messed up.

The obvious move would be to dig up the corpse of Bear Bryant.  It’s a no-brainer.  How pissed would Bama fans be when they see RB Michael Dyer show up to the pep rally before the Iron Bowl dressed in the suit The Bear was buried in, wearing that famous houndstooth hat?  That’s a gut punch.  The sight of The War Eagle doing his pre-game lap with The Bear’s femur clinched in his talons would haunt the dreams of Alabama fans forever.  Like Sean Connery said in The Untouchables: “They pull a knife, you pull a gun. He sends one of yours to the hospital; you send one of his to the morgue.”  That’s Alabama!

Al from Dadeville didn’t only poison a tree; he poisoned the souls of Auburn Nation.  You mess with the the trees of Toomer’s Corner; you mess with the souls of anyone who’s ever uttered the phrase War Damn Eagle.  It’s basically the plot of Avatar.  The comparison works better when you remember both the Blue Navi people and Auburn grads are both really into Bow Hunting.  I’m getting off topic.

Will Al from Dadeville’s tactics become the new norm in sports?  I hope so.  Things are becoming way too corporate.  It’s time to go rogue.  It would be refreshing to see a St. Louis Cardinal fan spray roundup on the ivy at Wrigley.  I hope to see a shirtless Coach O chopping down a redwood before the Stanford game.  Florida State Seminole fans literally scalping opposing fans would be taking it too far.  I don’t know where it will end, but I’m intrigued to watch it all take place.

We’re not even sure this is the first time fan lunacy has gone this far.  I doubt Al from Dadeville is the Neal Armstrong of diabolical sports fans.  Any chance Magic Johnson caught the HIV from a Celtics fan who took one for the team?  After hearing about tree poisioning, I started to wonder if this conversation happened in 1938:

Joe:  Hey, Al, why can’t the Sox catch a break?  These damn Yankees have had our number since we traded the Babe.  I wish there was something we could do.

Al:  Funny you say that, Joe, because I was in my lab last night and I created a terrible nameless disease and I have it with me, right here in this vial.

Joe:  Did you say a terrible nameless disease, Al?  What are you going to do with that?

Al:  Well, Joe, do you see Lou Gehrig over there?

Maybe that conversation never happened, but after Al from Dadeville, I’m not ruling it out.  We’ve seen the rage that sports can produce and will produce again.

Alabama fans are currently playing it cool in public, but privately laughing hysterically.  You know the phrase “Auburn Tree Huggers” will never stop being funny to tide fans after watching Auburn fans hugging the dying oaks.  Bama fans love this.  If this video isn’t already on every Alabama message board it should be under the title, Auburn Fans Reacting to Toomer’s Corner Poisoning.   The Tigers are coming off an amazing year that included an incredible come from behind Iron Bowl victory, an SEC Championship, a Heisman Trophy winner, and a National Championship.  Now they are reduced to hugging a dying tree.  It’s almost enough to make one forget blowing a 24 point lead in the Iron Bowl… almost.

What will become of horticultural assassin Harvey Almorn Updike Jr.?  His lawyers will have to be creative to beat the one count of 1st Degree Criminal Mischief.  Al from Dadeville should use the mercy kill defense.  He should say he went into a rage after seeing Auburn fans continually cover the trees in the same stuff you use to remove fecal remnants.  “I’m tired of watching those trees get tortured every time Auburn’s high-priced QB leads the team to a victory over Vandy.  Is this how you treat something you love?”  It probably won’t work.

The SEC is full of maniacs so I’m sure this won’t be the last act of crazy.  Auburn will do something and it will probably be disturbing and hysterical.  I’m up for anything that will help pass the time until next season.

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