South Carolina Coach Steve Spurrier

Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew ends in late October, which is later than expected, but 2 months with Stephen Garcia is better than nothing.”

“I’m 66 years old and I have no doubt in my mind that I am the best Quarterback on this campus.”

“I won’t answer any more questions, but I am willing to pop my shirt off and pose until my time is up.”

Florida Head Coach Will Muschamp:

“Let me start by reassuring Gator Nation that I’m nothing like Ron Zook.”

“With Jeff Demps you understand where the speed comes from when you meet his parents.  Did you know his father was a racehorse and his mother was a meteorite?  True story.”

“I can’t possibly coach this team any worse than they were coached last year, so I got that going for me.”

“My boys love to burn, it’s true.  You think Janoris Jenkins was the only player getting high on the reg?  Ha!  Forget Orange and Blue, this team’s colors are Green with Red hairs.”

“Have you seen our schedule?  Google it, I’ll wait.  We literally played 1 hard game a year at Texas.  Now I have Alabama, LSU and Auburn all in row!  It’s no wonder Urban’s heart exploded.”

Alabama Head Coach Nick Saban:

“After blowing a 24 point lead in the Iron Bowl I developed quite a nasty speed habit.  Come Wednesday it will have been 7 months since I last slept.”

“I honestly could care less who our Quarterback is.  I mean, did you actually watch Greg McElroy throw?  When I recruit QB’s I don’t even watch film on them, I simply recruit guys who look like they could be the QB on Dawson’s Creek.  Does anybody know if the Guatemalan kid who plays the Werewolf in those Twilight films has any eligibility left?”

“Watching Auburn win a National Championship was surreal.  It was like Kim Kardashian losing a beauty pageant to Khloe Kardashian.”

“I fully supported the Toomer’s Corner Tree killings.  Al from Dadeville is an American Hero.”

“Yeah, some of our fans can go a little crazy sometimes.  I know some of them think I’m sending them secret messages during my press conferences.  (Pauses for laughter)  But they’re right, I totally am.”

Georgia Head Coach Mark Richt

Opening statement to media:  “I bet you didn’t expect to see me this year.  I’m going to coach ‘til I die and I’m going to live forever!”  (While C-Walking all around the stage)

“I don’t know if we’ll beat Florida.  I mean, we lost to the Weekend at Bernie’s version of Urban Meyer last season, so the thought a facing a coach with a pulse is a little scary.”

“Let’s get serious.  Any of you computer geeks know how to upload a résumé to LinkedIn?

Auburn Coach Gene Chizik

“I’ve been celebrating the title by driving up to the airport booing Auburn fans when they get off the plane.”

“Vegas has the O/U for wins this season at 6.5.  I’m betting my National Championship bonus on the under.”

“The main reason I’m here today is to announce that I’m open to new job offers.  Nothing is too small.  I’ve got to get out before the NCAA comes through with a jackhammer and before those Eco-Terrorists in Tuscaloosa come after me and my family.”

LSU Head Coach Les Miles

“Guys, we’re talking about the Oregon game.  Russell Shepard could get free rent in an Opium Den and I still wouldn’t suspend him for the Oregon game.”

“Willie Lyle?  Man, I love Willie Lyle.  When it comes to Willie Lyle it turns out me and Brian Kelly are Eskimo Brothers!

Mississippi State Coach Dan Mullen

“Do I have any regrets about last season?  Yeah, about 180,000.”

Arkansas Head Coach Bobby Petrino

“Remember when I left the Atlanta Falcons in the middle of their most trying season?  Didn’t think so.  Thank you Lane Kiffin, Cam Newton, Urban Meyer’s Heart.  Without you and the rest of the crazy SEC, people would still remember what a dick I am.”

Kentucky Head Coach Joker Phillips

“Kentucky fans have told me that they would rather have a signed Tony Delk jersey than an SEC Championship in Football.”

Ole Miss Head Coach Houston Nutt

“If I get fired after this season will any of you even notice?  Show of hands, how many of y’all think I still coach at Arkansas?”