Dear Nick Saban,

It’s come to my attention that you’re not happy with what you’re seeing at the end of home games. You looked up at the half-empty student section in the second half of the Louisiana “game” and you thought to yourself, “that’s not right, a’ight.”

So when you addressed the media Wednesday, you had a bone to pick with the Alabama students who didn’t feel like hanging around for the suspenseful conclusion of Saturday’s contest.

Get em, Nick!

“I can honestly say I was a little disappointed there weren’t more students at the last game,” he said. “I think we’re trying to address that. I don’t think they’re entitled to anything, either. Personally, I think it should be first come, first served. If they don’t want to come to the game, they don’t have to come. But I’m sure there are enough people around here who would like to come to the games and we’d like for them to come, too, because they support the players. I’ve never said anything about them before. …

“Now, they don’t even cheer. They introduce our players and they don’t even cheer. … Maybe I’ve already talked about it more than I should. You all can beat me up for it if you want. Our players work too hard. They deserve to have everything and people supporting them in every way.”

Couldn’t. Agree. More.

That’s why I’d like to help you solve your problem, Nick. Between breaking SEC records and trying to decide which superstar quarterback should start the second quarter, you’ve got enough on your plate to give this issue much thought. Lucky for you, I don’t have those problems.

Let me help you.

Your issue is that you need to incentivize staying until the final tick, much like how you stress to your team the importance of playing all 60 minutes. Fans need to pay that kind of attention to detail, too. After all, anyone can cheer when Tua Tagovailoa throws 4 first-quarter touchdown passes. The ones who really want it are going crazy when your fourth-string cornerback gets burned for a touchdown to make it 56-14.

OK, so what if we try out this idea. Under every seat in the student section is a Little Debbie (you could set that sponsorship up in a heartbeat). Here’s the kicker: The Little Debbie is in a lock box. It only unlocks when the clock hits zero. Not hip enough? Do the same thing but instead of using your favorite snack, try it with an avocado.

Remember, these fans are entitled. Entitled to free stuff for staying 4 quarters.

If you’re not big on treating them with food, how about you cross something off their bucket list. On Alabama’s final offensive play of every game, each student gets to feel like the audience in “Who Wants to be a Millionaire.” The scoreboard will display a multiple choice question of which play you should call at the very end. It would look something like this:

  1. Flea-flicker but with a kicker/punter throwing the pass
  2. Statue of Liberty
  3. Triple reverse but only with walk-ons
  4. Fake kneel pass
  5. Da Bomb

During a TV timeout in the fourth quarter, students must text 1-5 while using the student section wi-fi. The winning play will be relayed to Mike Locksley’s headset.

Don’t want to show up the other team with something on the field? I understand.

What about if instead you paid the other team the ultimate respect? Everyone always talks about how your fans never get to experience the thrill of rushing the field. Why not do what Clemson does after every home game and let fans come down on the field?

Sure, you might take some heat from everyone wondering why as a 50-point favorite, your fans felt the need to rush the field. At least the students will be there, though. That’s what this is all about, right? You’re tired of not feeling like your students are there for the entire game while you make some Group of 5 team question whether the medical bills will cover the $1.5 million you paid them to be there.

And hey, there’s an extra bonus for allowing your students to rush the field after home games. You can search for your next kicker.

Come to think of it, didn’t you already try that on Saturday?

That’s alright. We’ll just keep looking.

We’ll also keep looking for ways to solve this problem you’re having. How dare hungover college kids not want to sit outside for the better part of 4 hours while your team treats its opponent like LeBron James dunking on 8-year-olds at his youth camp.

Wait. Am I going to get in trouble for saying his name? Is that threatened lawsuit over barbershops still going on? I’d be happy to offer up my services to remedy that situation, as well. One issue at a time, though.

For now, your biggest issue is keeping the attention of college kids who have better things to do on Saturday afternoon. They’ve become so bored with your video game of a program that they’d rather go home and play video games because that’s more competitive. I feel for you, Nick. You have a unique situation on your hands.

I’m sure you’re hoping that SEC play will solve your problem for you, but we both know that’s not gonna happen. You’re still going to cover the spread by the end of the first half and act frustrated when you abruptly cut off your halftime interview with Holly Rowe. I know, though, that your frustration stems from the lack of students you’re going to see in the second half.

It’s OK to admit that for once, you don’t have the answers. I do.

You’re welcome.

My deepest condolences,

Connor

P.S. If you just want to ignore all of that and send me a lifetime supply of Little Debbies, that’s cool, too.