Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of No. 2 Alabama and Ole Miss:

Welcome to Tuscaloosa for today’s SEC game of the week, which is sure to be an exciting matchup for at least a few minutes. But, the glimmer of hope is that no one knows the secret to beating a dominant Bama team more than Ole Miss. The secret? Just cause as much chaos as humanly possible.

Let’s see what happens.

1Q: 15:00

Alabama gets the ball first on its own 10-yard line, which means over/under about 90 seconds before the Tide score a touchdown.

Congratulations to those who took the under, and for DeVonta Smith for winning the rock, paper, scissors match before the play. (Oh, wait? They’re not allowed to play that anymore?) He takes a simple slant 74 yards for a touchdown and Bama takes the early lead.

Alabama 7-0.


Imagine being a true freshman quarterback, making your first SEC start, and it’s against this Alabama team in 100-degree temperature in Bryant-Denny. That’s the situation John Rhys Plumlee finds himself in. Yeah, I’d get off the field in 3 plays, too.

But Bama does not cooperate. Jaylen Waddle fumbles the punt right in the hands of an Ole Miss defender and we get a very exciting 4 minutes of Gary Danielson forgetting that you can’t advance a muffed punt.

No worries. Ole Miss scores a few plays later and Matt Luke pounds his fists and celebrates as if being tied 7-7 with Alabama in the 1st quarter is all the job security he needs.


Ole Miss gets a stop and the ball back. You can see they’ve got a pretty good game plan of “Let Plumlee run for his life and hopefully he gains some yards along the way.”

It works well enough to get Ole Miss into field goal range, but not well enough to get in the end zone. Matt Luke should have cheered louder. Ole Miss kicks the field goal.

Ole Miss leads 10-7! Seriously!


The Rebs continue trying to squeeze every ounce of chaos they can with a surprise onside kick. It almost works. Bama gets the ball, but like Jimbo’s hairline, this game is getting weirder and weirder.

2Q: 14:30

Alabama ends the 1st quarter behind on the scoreboard and you can feel the eyebrows of the entire college football world raise in unison. But there’s nothing Saban loves more than bitterly crushing everybody’s hope for an upset. The Tide drive down the field and, after waiting 20 seconds for a receiver to come open, Tua reluctantly runs in for a touchdown.

Alabama is back on top 14-10.


Ole Miss continues to try to establish the run game by having its quarterback scramble around and hope something good happens. This time Alabama starts to catch on and the Plumlee magic is slowly fading away.

Bama, meanwhile is really tempting fate by doing the riskiest thing a Saban coached Alabama team can do: kick an easily makeable field goal. It flutters through the air like a feather in Forrest Gump but somehow sneaks through the uprights.

How weird is this game? Alabama has as many field goals as Tua TD passes.

Alabama 17-10.


The Rebels show a tremendous amount of southern hospitality by having a receiver run wide open but politely declining to throw to him. They’re off the field in 3 plays and Alabama feels like it has decided to not mess around anymore.

Tua finds Smith for his 2nd touchdown of the day. Spoiler alert: This will be a running theme.

Alabama 24-10.


At this point, Missouri has a better chance of making a bowl game than Ole Miss does of moving the ball on Alabama. Meaning it will only happen if the NCAA decides to intervene.

The only mystery about this game is in what way DeVonta Smith scores his next touchdown. This time it’s a little hitch that he turns upfield and jogs into the end zone. Maybe he won a rock, paper, scissors match against the Ole Miss defense and they’re not allowed to tackle him.

Alabama 31-10.


The last thing Ole Miss wants to do here is go 3-and-out. It’s 3rd-and-2. They need a 1st down, but if they throw an incomplete pass, the clock stops. Oh, no …


Tua is starting to really light it up out there. He throws a perfect strike on a deep post route to you-know-who for his 4th touchdown pass of the day. He keeps this up and he one day might even be as good as Jalen Hurts.

Remember when Alabama was losing?

Alabama 38-10.

3Q: 13:25

Ole Miss started the 2nd half with the ball and it still only took Bama about 90 seconds to open the 2nd half with a score. You’ll never believe it, but it’s DeVonta Smith again, and he breaks the Alabama record for receiving yards and TD catches in a game. At least the Ole Miss defense is consistent.

Alabama 45-10.


The Ole Miss offense thinks now is a good time to wake up. Better late than never I guess.

Meanwhile, the Ole Miss defense finally makes a stop and tells the world “No receiver can score 6 touchdowns in a row on our defense!”

Alabama 45-17.


We’ve reached the point of most Alabama games where the team gets tired of scoring touchdowns the traditional way. Today it’s a blocked punt that leads for a score. Cool.

Alabama 52-17.

4Q: 15:00

The only reason to keep the TV on at this point is to laugh at what’s happening to Clemson. The supposed No. 1 team in the country is clinging by the skin of its teeth against a mediocre ACC team coached by an AARP spokesman.

Back in Tuscaloosa, Ole Miss somehow scores another touchdown. Doesn’t really matter how at this point.


Tua is still in the game in order to get some type of 4th quarter experience before the postseason, unlike last year. Either that or Saban is saving all of his Mac Jones packages for Georgia.

He’s not just in, either. He’s throwing! To a tight end. Tua just threw his 6th TD pass, breaking Alabama’s single-game record.

Alabama 59-24.


Clemson just barely survives in Chapel Hill, but Alabama looks poised to reclaim the No. 1 spot in the polls tomorrow. Meanwhile, Brad and Gary are rambling on about how no one is giving Florida credit for beating Tennessee and Miami. This game really just needs to end.


Ole Miss scores one more touchdown with 5 seconds left, which may give Saban one more thing to pretend to be mad about. But finally Bama takes a knee and this one is over. Congratulations to everyone who made it this far. Please return to your family.

Final: Alabama 59-31.