Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the Florida vs. Auburn game:

Welcome to Gainesville, Florida for an undefeated matchup between Auburn and Florida. It’s homecoming at UF and all the biggest Gators celebrities are here: Steve Spurrier, Emmitt Smith, guys who loiter outside Waffle House at 2 a.m. Everyone is ready to go.

1Q: 15:00

Auburn gets the ball first and we get to see how well Bo Nix can handle this loud, juiced up, jorts filled crowd. After 3 plays the answer is … he has some work to do. Auburn runs a trick play so deceptive no one even knows if they meant to do it, and the Tigers immediately have to punt.

Meanwhile, Kyle Trask picks up exactly where he last left off on his JV team 7 years ago. He finds Freddie Swain on a quick slant and the Gators get off to a very Alabama-esque start. Keep in mind CBS is required to talk about Alabama once every 5 minutes no matter who is playing.

Florida jumps on top 7-0.

11:12

Auburn gets stuffed on a 3rd-and-1 and it looks like the Tigers might need some Gus Magic* to move the ball on this Gators defense.

(*Warning: Gus Magic might not apply in road games.)

The good news is the best way to move the ball on Florida might just be to get your pass rushers to rip it out of Trask’s hands and push it toward their end zone. It’s a good strategy and Auburn gets the ball on the edge of field goal range.

Maybe Gus is trying to pull a power move by showing he can win a big game without getting a 1st down … wouldn’t be the weirdest thing he’s done. The Tigers kick a field goal on 4th-and-1 and finally get on the board.

Florida 7-3.

4:22

The Gators fumble again, caused by either egregious targeting or a textbook tackle depending on who you’re rooting for. The refs are rooting for Auburn apparently because the Tigers get the ball without a second look.

It ends in another field goal, but the Tigers did finally figure out how to get a 1st down … so that’s good I guess?

Florida 7-6.

1:15

If you’re a youngster looking for examples of how to play the great game of football, please turn off the TV. Here’s everything that happened in a span of 3 minutes:

  • Auburn returner muffs a punt while trying to direct his teammates to run away from it.
  • The Gators proceed to fumble the ball for the 3rd time this quarter 
  • Derrick Brown picks up the fumble and has clear path to the end zone … until he trips over his own feet
  • Bo Nix then throws an interception that’s returned to the other side of the field. 

And to top it all off, Gary Danielson can’t even go the whole 1st quarter without “accidentally” referring to Auburn as Alabama. Pure chaos in every direction.

2Q: 13:50

The Gators finally take advantage of somebody else’s turnover and turn it into a touchdown. Didn’t know that was possible.

Florida 14-6.

10:23

Florida feels like it has a stranglehold on this game now, the only thing that could stop their momentum is some type of horrible coaching mistake that would give Auburn the ball and … oh, no, the punter is trying to run for a 1st down deep in his own territory.

Nix throws an absolute strike for a touchdown and just like that Auburn is right back in it.

Florida 14-13.

8:05

The nightmare scenario has come true for Gators fans. No, Gainesville didn’t run out of Keystone Light. But, Kyle Trask got rolled up on and has to be taken to the locker room. So in comes Emory Jones, who is about to really put to the test Dan Mullen’s ability as a QB whisperer.

Advantage: Mullen. The Gators’ offense keeps rolling no matter who is behind center and the Gators pick up a field goal.

Florida 17-13.

1:33

MVP of the first half is clearly Kyle Trask’s ACL. After looking like the Gators would have to finish the season with their 3rd-string QB, Trask comes running right back out of the locker room. We still don’t know who will win this game, but we do know that scientists need to find what Kyle Trask’s ligaments are made of and sell it to the rest of us.

3Q: 13:25

On a 3rd-and-1 at midfield to open the second half, Mullen decides to run his hobbled quarterback into the Auburn d-line and gets stuffed. If he wanted to punish Kyle Trask for some reason, there are easier ways of doing it.

Meanwhile, Auburn’s offense is doing it’s best University of Michigan impression and finding really creative ways of going 3-and-out. All the shifts, motions and tricky snap counts in the world won’t help Auburn find a way to move the ball on this defense.

4:11

The insane chaotic energy of the opening half has transformed into a slow crawl. If you’re a fan of punts, fair catches and the occasional holding or pass interference, then this is the quarter for you.

Eventually, Auburn breaks up the monotony by hitting a wiiiiiide open receiver down the sidelines. The Tigers are in the red zone for the first time today, but Bo Nix decides now is a good time to remind everyone he’s just a freshman. He misses an open receiver in the end zone and then throws an awful interception on the very next play.

The Gus Malzahn misery index is off the charts.

4Q: 11:12

The Gators’ offense is picking up big chunks of yards and working their way into the red zone. But unfortunately for Florida, it runs into the classic Gary Danielson curse. Gary starts loudly proclaiming how tired the Auburn defense is and the very next play the Auburn defense makes its biggest play of the day. Derrick Brown strips Kyle Trask again and returns the fumble out to midfield.

At this point, Gus probably needs to start thinking about putting Derrick Brown in the backfield because he has run for more yards than anyone on the Auburn offense this afternoon.

On a big 3rd-down play, Bo Nix makes the bold decision of blindly turning tail and running backward about 20 yards before taking a sack. They weren’t lying when they told us this Auburn offense was innovative, I guess.

9:17

Finally someone on the field makes something resembling a good offensive play in this half. Lamical Perine runs through an Auburn defender and down the sideline for an 88-yard touchdown. Wow, maybe Gary Danielson was right all along.

Florida 24-13.

4:12

Auburn needs to make something happen and quick. Which for Gus today is a lot easier screamed into his headset than done. Eventually the Tigers are faced with a 4th-and-12 that turns into Bo Nix making a run for it and not even coming close. The Oregon defense this is not.

Florida proceeds to run out the clock the only way Dan Mullen knows how, by throwing wild trick passes to his quarterback on 3rd down. But this is Florida’s day and everything works out.

The Gators win and set up another titanic SEC matchup at LSU next week. And Auburn heads back home to wonder if they can still get Bob Stoops on the phone.

FINAL: Florida 24-13.