’Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the SEC
Not a fan was stirring, not even to troll the ACC
Playoff rankings were locked in after much thought
They sent a loud message after what 2018 brought

SEC bias cries simmered after falling on deaf ears
While Alabama waited for its fifth Playoff berth in as many years
The doubters wondered how Florida could be ranked so high already
From 4 wins to 9 thanks to someone who looks like Cousin Eddie

Down in the kitchen suddenly rose a great big commotion
I sprang from my seat only to find a turtlenecked man raw with emotion
“You’re drunk off anti-SEC Kool Aid,” I told the poor ACC sap
And off to bed he went, as I avoided his trap

In stepped Gus Malzahn donning a sweater made of fine wool
Only to be drowned out by Chad Morris chugging another Red Bull
“Get some sleep” Gus begged as Chad continued prancing
Excited he was, prompting Derek Mason to start dancing

“Why are you so happy?” a puzzled Gus asked Mason
To which he said “It’s Christmas Eve and 7 wins is all I’m chasin’!”
Gus stalked off muttering of buyouts and such
Even his sleep-talking reminded us that it might mean too much

“Now Jet Sweeps! Now Fake Punts! Now Reverses and Swing Passes!
On, Quick Toss! On, Drag Routes! On, QBs not slow as molasses!”
To the top of the West! Top the top of the rankings!
Now chill out, SEC! Chill out! Chill out with the spankings!”

As Gus’ shouts awoke many from their Christmas Eve slumber
Some questioned if the SEC’s dominance was making some dumber
Half asleep, Coach O and Kirby whispered about SEC dominance
How quickly it was that both of them rose to such prominence

And then, in a twinkling, I heard down the hall
A man name Benny awoke and yelled “Just give me the ball!”
It was the formula that fueled a magical season for Kentucky
Week after week, they proved they were more than just lucky

Snell yeah, 2018 was the SEC’s year
Alive and well was the turtlenecked man’s fear
That while his SEC bias takes were left in limbo
He dreamt of the abandoned Christmas tree that meant “Goodbye Jimbo”

He woke again, eyes bloodshot red with worry
That even more SEC teams would awake in a hurry
With Moorhead, Muschamp and don’t forget Odom
“The SEC is only getting better” was the message I told him

He barked of 5-win teams in Oxford and on Rocky Top
I told him, “look man, you’ve just gotta stop”
Try to take your mind off the SEC this holiday season
If it’s peace of mind you seek, I’ll give you a reason

It seems that Playoff expansion is on its way
Bids will soon be passed out like gifts from Santa’s sleigh
But who are we kidding
That just means the SEC is in for even more bidding

The turtlenecked man’s nightmare was far from over
Each squashed SEC bias take making him more sober
All he wanted for Christmas was for Saban to retire
But he grew ill when he realized it was Dabo who they’d hire

Back to bed the turtlenecked man went
For arguing against the SEC all year had made him spent
But I heard him exclaim as he stumbled out of our sights