What an opening weekend of college football y’all! SEC Football was fun from Thursday through Monday, but that hangover on Tuesday sure wasn’t. I spent the weekend living a fan’s dream. I was in Athens, Ga., from Friday to Saturday afternoon filming a new podcast/video series for SDS called “College Town” where we head to a different SEC campus each week to show what a game weekend is like as well as highlight the best bars, restaurants, tailgates and fans around the SEC.

Shortly after crushing 2 Chili Dogs from the Varsity and a 5-hour energy I hustled back to Atlanta to watch the Bama-FSU game from some club level seats I lucked into at the new Mercedes-Benz Stadium.

Credit: Jason Getz-USA TODAY Sports

Highs from the weekend were eating and drinking my way through possibly the best college town in the country — Athens — and experiencing the new stadium (it’s incredible). Lows were my phone dying after the game and having to walk home 4 miles to my apartment in Virginia Highlands, and … my Week 1 predictions. Yikes.

Despite going 13-1 straight up in Week 1 games, I somehow managed to go 3-8 against the spread. That is almost impossible to do y’all. Going 3-8 ATS in the first week of the season is about as unimpressive and inaccurate as watching Helen Keller play a game of whack-a-mole.

Moving forward, be sure to take everything I say with a grain of salt, and most important, hedge your bets. That being said, let’s get the party going for week 2! It’s 5 o’clock somewhere.

Eastern Kentucky at Kentucky

Last week, Eastern Kentucky ran the ball 22 times for only 25 yards. Kentucky will have a field day with this one-dimensional directional school. They’ll win big, but the real intrigue in this game is whether Kentucky will be up enough in the second half for my dream to finally come true.

What is it you ask? It’s simple. Instead of the mascot doing pushups after every UK score, I hope Matt Elam eats a hotdog. It would be amazing for the fans, and we’d all finally get to see a glimpse into Elam’s actual potential and future as a competitive eater.

Credit: Mark Zerof-USA TODAY Sports

Score: Kentucky 41, E. Kentucky 14

Booze: Evan Williams (Green label) with Tab. Evan Williams is to alcohol as Tab is to soft drinks. They’re both disgusting. Every time you see someone drinking either you can’t help but wonder what bad life choices they’re making. Did that adult just buy a gallon of plastic bottle bourbon? Did that lady just spend $123 at K-Mart on nothing but cat litter, knitting yarn, and Tab cola?!

Regardless, it’s only fitting that a battle of in-state schools from Kentucky have some bourbon at their tailgate. It just needs to be from the bottom shelf until the Wildcats learn to cover against Conference USA teams.

Indiana St at Tennessee

I’ll be blunt. The last time I watched a football player get as lucky as every single Vol did this past Monday was when that jury told O.J. that he wasn’t guilty. Now, go spike that in your turnover trashcan.

Score: Tennessee 51, Larry Bird’s Annual Guilt Trip for Donations 7

Booze: Irish Car Bomb. Why? The only thing I know, and literally anyone in the country knows about Indiana State is that Larry Bird played there. Honestly, I think they might have lost to the University of Phoenix and ITT Tech last year. Anyways, an Irish Car Bomb is perfect because Bird played for the Celtics, and people from Beantown love Irish Car Bombs almost as much as they love mispronouncing the letter R. If you don’t get the joke then you’ve nevah been in a cah nea-uh Fenway Pahk in Maahch fuh St. Patty’s Day.

UT Martin at Ole Miss

Where will you be Saturday when the Skyhawks and the Rebels tee it up in front of 60,000 screaming fans ready for some football?! Probably anywhere that involves not watching this game. Ole Miss beat this team 76-3 in 2015. This is a worse start to a Fall Saturday than a wedding your wife forces you to go to.

Score: Ole Miss 55, UT Martin 17

Booze: Redbull & Vodka. Specifically the watered down bottle of Vodka from your parents liquor cabinet. Most of you know exactly what I’m talking about too. I’m talking about the bottle of Ketel One you snuck from your parents liquor cabinet throughout your high school years and then refilled with water because you thought you were the smartest 16-year-old in the world. That is until your Dad found out, and whooped you worse than the score the last time these two played.

Those were the good ol days huh? Just absolutely no idea what you were doing or any clue on how to drink alcohol. So you’d just sneak swigs of whatever you could find and chase it with something ridiculous like a Sunny D or YooHoo. The only thing more upsetting than a stomach after vodka and chocolate milk is realizing how good of a season QB Shea Patterson is going to have without the chance to win anything important.

Also, the Red Bull is the most important ingredient here because all the good games are on at night, and this game is gonna be a snooze fest.

Alabama (-44) vs. Fresno St.

This is a weird line, and I’ve spent more time overthinking it than I have any opening pickup line I’ve ever left on Tinder. Bama is favored by 44, but the total over/under is only 53.5. That’s not a lot of room for error. I’ll take Fresno St and the over.

Score: Bama 51, Fresno St. 17

Booze: Two Pina Coladas. Bama is on island time for the foreseeable future after its win over Florida State last week. With games against Fresno St, Colorado St, Vandy and Ole Miss the rest of the month, the Tide most likely won’t be tested until it’s time for flannel shirts, foliage, and flocks of basic girls migrating to Starbucks for Pumpkin Spice Lattes come October.

So, go ahead and grab two pina coladas. One for each hand. Let’s set sail with Capt … OK that’s enough of the Garth Brooks lyrics. Sorry. However, go ahead and relax until the next month, or even November, when the Thunder Rolls when it’s time for Callin’ Baton Rouge …

Arkansas (+3) vs. TCU

I want Arkansas to win this game to keep the momentum going for the SEC after the impressive Week 1. I also want Arkansas to win because Bret Bielema is my favorite person in the SEC, and I would love nothing more than a fat guy celebration dance or giddy postgame press-conference for everyone’s viewing pleasure. He’s a big, goofy animal folks, but God is he entertaining.

However, TCU returns 17 starters and is one of the most underrated teams in the country. Plus, and I hate to say it, the best coach on the field will be on TCU’s sideline in Gary Patterson.

Score: TCU 35, Arkansas 31

Booze: Tecate. Why? No matter how many boxing promo sponsorships or TV commercials they air hoping for approval and sales, I refuse to believe it’s any good. It’s pretty much just a stale version of its peers. Sound familiar Arkansas? Listen, if you’re in the I-formation in 2017, you can’t compete for a title. Just like if a “premium” import beer comes in a 24-ounce can and you have to fish it out of a giant ice bucket full of malt liquor at the front of your local Shell station, then it’s not a good beer.

Tecate will never be premium beer. Just like Kenny Hill was never a legit Heisman contender when he was at Texas A&M, and just like Arkansas will never be anything more than an 8-9 win team in the SEC under Bielema.

Vandy vs. Alabama A&M

Alabama A&M lost 38-7 last week to UAB … and UAB didn’t have a freaking football team last year. I never thought I would say this, but … Vandy will blow the “Dores” off of the Bulldogs this Saturday. God that was punny you guys!

Score: Vandy 45, Alabama A&M 0

Booze: 12 pack of Mich Ultra. I’m promoting you from a 6-pack to a 12-pack after your dominating win over the mighty Blue Raiders from MTSU last week. I still hate Mich Ultra as much as Vandy hates to impress rival fans from the SEC, but you’ve earned it Vandy.

So, enjoy your 12 pack of diet bro beer. Hell, we’ll even tolerate you poking your chest out a little after a rare 2-0 start. Just realize that we’re gonna shove you back into a locker once conference play starts in a couple weeks though.

South Carolina at Mizzou (-2.5)

These are two of the biggest surprises in the SEC after Week 1. Despite being a 5-point underdog, Carolina knocked off the trendiest of media crushes/Playoff Cinderellas from the ACC: NC State. And Mizzou did Mizzou things, as its defense gave up 40+ points to a directional school and had more holes in it than an emo’s ear when it’s 2-for-1 piercing day at Hot Topic.

However, Drew Lock and the offense put up over 70 points and 815 total yards. Wow.

I want to pick the Gamecocks here. But CoMo is a tough environment and a long way from home back in beautiful Columbia, S.C. Especially after a big win and emotional high Carolina had after its upset of the Wolfpack last week.

Score: Mizzou 38, South Carolina 35

Booze: Vodka and Pepto Bismol. Why? It’s gonna take a strong stomach for Will Muschamp and each fanbase to watch this track meet in CoMo. I would bet the over at 71 for points, as well as the over for burst blood vessels in Muschamp’s forehead after having to deal with Lock and company for 60 minutes.

Credit: John David Mercer-USA TODAY Sports

Texas A&M vs. Nicholls St

The only time I’ve seen anyone choke as badly as A&M did against UCLA was at Guantanamo Bay and that dinner scene in Miss Doubtfire when Robin Williams had to give the Heimlich maneuver to that stepdad.

Score: First half A&M 31, Nicholls St 0. Second half, wait … does A&M know it has to play a second half?

Booze: Scope. Yes, the mouthwash. For one, the Aggies need to get that awful taste of what happened last Sunday out of their mouth. Also, Scope does have a small amount of alcohol in it. Don’t believe me?

Well, one time while attending a court mandated AA meeting, a gentleman named Roger told the group that his “slippery slope” would start with him drinking a full bottle of Listerine by the pool when he couldn’t buy beer on Sundays. Roger didn’t collect a lot of chips you guys.

Anyways, gargle the mouthwash has much as you can Aggie fans. Until the taste of defeat is gone, and you ultimately choke like you seemingly always do under Kevin Sumlin.

LSU vs. UT Chattanooga

Remember that scene in Billy Madison where all the second-graders are picking on Adam Sandler, and then he has to go outside for recess and play dodgeball while Miss Lippy eats glue? Long story short, some 8-year-old bully tries to peg him with a ball and Billy catches it with one hand and proclaims, “Now you’re all in big, big trouble!”

That’s exactly what I feel like LSU announced to the rest of the SEC last week after demoralizing BYU.

Score: LSU 59, UT-Chattanooga 6

Booze: Hypnotiq and Hennessy. AKA The Incredible Hulk. Why? Again, LSU fans will drink literally anything, as they care about their liver about as much as they care about open container laws. Hyp and Hen is terrifying. And let’s face it, Ed Orgeron is too. I’d rather spend a day at the DMV with my mother-in-law listening to that new Taylor Swift song on repeat than have to ever see Orgeron “hulk up.”

Combine Orgeron with Derrius Guice, AND that defense? This team is about as dangerous as a late night stroll through Compton. The only thing scarier is playing in Death Valley on a Saturday night. And clowns. But, I digress.

Mississippi State at La. Tech

These are two of the most balanced offenses in the country. However, defense will be the difference in this game. Hail State only gave up 34 total yards last week. I don’t care that they only played Charleston Southern, because La. Tech played Northwestern State and gave up almost 400 yards.

I don’t know much about NW St., but it sounds like one of those 2-year colleges you find in a strip mall where the “campus” is located between a Quizno’s and Dollar Tree. If you give up 400 yards to them, then there’s no telling what Nick Fitzgerald will do to them.

Credit: Jasen Vinlove-USA TODAY Sports

Score: Miss. St. 38, La. Tech 23

Booze: Firefly Sweet Tea Vodka. Just like Mississippi State, this drink couldn’t be more underrated and forgotten about. Sure, the sugar and booze combo might put you into a diabetic coma, but who cares. It’s delicious. It’s refreshing. And it’s often overlooked because it doesn’t seem as legitimate as its flavorless and boring peers. (Looking at you Bama and Absolut).

That’s fine. We’ll just be over here with the best kept secret in the conference at QB, and the longest tenured head coach in the conference outside of Saban. Oh, you didn’t know that? MSU fans should probably be upset at their lack of attention, but that’s none of their business. They’d rather just give you the side eye and sip their tea while they throw silently throw shade at the rest of the conference like those smarmy Kermit memes …

Credit: Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports

Georgia at Notre Dame (-4.5)

I could not be more excited for this game. Finally UGA fans actually get a chance to beat Notre Dame instead of just incessantly telling you that they would have in 2012 if Richt would’ve spiked the ball in the SEC Championship game. As someone who grew up in Georgia attending Catholic school (and was also kindly asked to leave Catholic school), I will be the biggest Bulldog fan imaginable Saturday. Take that Sister Rita.

I hate Notre Dame. I hate Notre Dame like Mantei Te’o hated blind dates. I could go on and on, but here’s the deal …

Rudy was offsides, Brian Kelly looks like an angry garden gnome, and the only thing I want to hear less than that fight song is Lou Holtz trying to pronounce the word “Jesus” or “associated press” without spitting on the camera lens like a homeless guy trying to spit shine your windshield at a red light. (Feels good to get all that off my chest.)

However, UGA can’t go into South Bend with a true freshman QB and win. I don’t care how good Jake (from State) Fromm is.

Score: Notre Dame 26, UGA 20

Booze: Whiskey & (Holy) Water. Good ol’ fashioned southern whiskey should be brought to this tailgate to show these Irish Catholics that drinking is just another thing that we do better in the South along with football, women and being sober at Midnight Mass on Christmas Eve. Looking at you Father O’Malley!

Anyways, make sure you mix your whiskey of choice with some Holy Water for good luck and a quick recovery by QB Jacob Eason. UGA can stand to lose this game, but it can’t stand to lose Eason for the whole year if they want to win a conference or national title.

I’d also suggest saying a few Hail Mary’s for luck, but after that Tennessee game last year, I know that’s a sore subject.

Auburn at Clemson (-5.5)

I told you this stat last week: 73 percent of teams who are a 5 or 5.5 point underdog cover the spread. Last week there was only one game that was a 5.5 point spread: NC State and Carolina. And, Carolina won outright.

Clemson looked great last week, and they have to have a little bit of a chip on its shoulder considering it’s flying under the radar despite winning a freaking national title last year. Also, Dabo played at Bama, so I would think that not only does he want to beat an SEC team but especially if it’s Auburn.

But, he won’t.

Auburn has had this one circled for a while, and its D only gave up 78 yards last week. Wow. Take the over at 54, and take Auburn to win outright.

Score: Auburn 34, Clemson 28

Booze: Landshark. Strap in for an unnecessary rant that most of you will hate and disagree with wholeheartedly.

I hate Jimmy Buffet. So much. Part of it is jealousy, sure. But part of it is because he has made millions of dollars despite being almost as talentless as one of the Kardashians. I imagine his high school guidance counselor is the only person who hates him more than me.

“Jimmy you’re a C student. Playing the only 3 chords you know on that acoustic guitar and singing songs about drinking and the beach isn’t a career. It’s a hobby.”

“Trust me, there’s a few boomtowns that are ripe for this called Panama City, Myrtle Beach and Daytona Beach, where I think I can carve out a niche in the market singing songs about margaritas and cheeseburgers to sunburnt couples wearing matching airbrush t-shirts named Hank and Trish.”

Not only did this dude make a bazillion dollars off bad music, but now he’s made even more money by making a knock-off brand Corona! I hate copycats. I hate unoriginality. I’ll get off my soapbox now because I know most of you have already starting to write “You’re an idiot” in the comments.

Listen, say what you want about my music reviews, but Landshark is nothing more than Corona for common folk, and Clemson is nothing more than Auburn with a lake.