Welcome back to Week 3 of Winning & Boozing in The SEC, where each week yours truly will discuss every game, complete with analysis, predictions and, most important, what booze you’ll need at each tailgate this weekend!

Week 2 started off great for my picks as I was undefeated straight up and against the spread heading into the night games. Then, in my best Texas A&M impression imaginable, the wheels came off and I ended the day a mediocre 9-3 SU and 3-3 ATS.

For the season I’m 22-4 SU. However, my ATS picks should be trusted less than a Bret Bielema diet plan, as I’m an embarrassing 6-11.

Regardless, it’s 5 o’clock. Week 3 is here!

Texas A&M (-24) vs. Louisiana

Welcome to this week’s episode of “Is This Rock Bottom?” hosted by Texas A&M. In Week 1 they dazzled fans by blowing a 34-point lead. In Week 2 they entered the fourth quarter tied with an FCS team named after loose change. This week they host the Rajun Cajuns of Louisiana and try to survive another week of underwhelming performances while Kevin Sumlin slowly tries to get himself fired.

Honestly, at this point that’s exactly what he should do. Not only would he get to cash in that $10 million buyout, but he could also never have to deal with board members/trust fund jerks wearing bolo neck ties who keep calling for his job. Take the $10 million Kev, and move to a job with less pressure AND a campus with less dudes playing dress up and pretending to be fake Army men.

 Credit: John Gutierrez-USA TODAY Sports

As far as the game goes … UL is giving up 57 ppg. The Aggies will crush the Cajuns and afterward Sumlin should challenge every single Aggie booster to an old fashioned duel in the old west.

Score: A&M 45, UL 17

Booze: Irish Coffee. Sure, it doesn’t seem very appetizing to have a hot coffee and Irish whiskey in the Texas heat. However, Sumlin and the Aggies need something to wake their butts up. Plus, it’s a perfect metaphor because coffee and heat are a terrible combination that usually result in a dash to the restroom. And, teams facing UL have been doing a lot of running, averaging of 384 rush ypg.

So, pack a pair of depends and don’t forget the Baileys. A&M needs 60 full minutes of a good ol’ fashion “blowout.”

Ole Miss (-3) at California

This line scares me a bit because Ole Miss was trailing UT-Martin last week for most of the first half. Now they’re a 3-point favorite in a game 2,000 miles away from home. Yes, the Rebels have been about as underwhelming as a honeymoon in Mexico full of celibacy and food poisoning. However, QB Shea Patterson is leading the SEC in passing yards with almost 1,000 total yards in just his first two games. Why is that important?

Last week Cal let Weber St throw for 431. I can’t even imagine what Patterson will do. Take the Rebels and the points.

Credit: Matt Bush-USA TODAY Sports

Score: Ole Miss 41, California 30

Booze: Six Pack of Craft beer. Literally any craft beer. Pro tip: skip the bottles and buy a six pack of cans that are sealed with those plastic tops  that cover all the cans and not just the traditional standard plastic rings that I have to cut up before throwing away to avoid having my girlfriend yell at me about how they’ll end up in the ocean around a turtle’s neck if I don’t.

She watches Blackfish on Netflix one time …*Eye Roll*

Credit: Rob Schumacher-USA TODAY Sports

Anyways, find something, literally anything, with that ridiculous little alcohol accessory. It doesn’t mean the beer will be better, but it will mean it’s at least $2 more expensive which will make you look like you are a connoisseur of micro-brews and marine biology.

Remember Ole Miss, this is Berkley. They’re not like us here in the South. So, put on your best Vineyard Vine button down and don’t embarrass us on your trip to the Best Coast. We have a reputation to uphold.

UGA vs. Samford

There’s no line on this game. However, I’ll set up a prop bet for the amount of times some idiot makes a joke saying, “I bet the Bulldogs win! HA! Get it? They’re both Bulldogs.” No, we got it Chad. That’s next level comedy right there man.

Bad jokes aside, I would like to sincerely give a shoutout to UGA for its huge win last week at Notre Dame. Specifically, UGA fans deserve a standing ovation, as roughly 25,000 fans in red black came down the track in South Bend and reminded Brian Kelley that we play real football in the SEC.

Wow, 25,000 fans y’all. The last time that many Southerners invaded a city north of the Mason-Dixon line Abraham Lincoln had to give an address at Gettysburg afterward.

Credit: Matt Cashore-USA TODAY Sports

Score: Bulldawgs 41, Bulldogs 7

Booze: Whiskey & Water. The same as last week, but this week switch out the Holy Water for Coconut water. Yes, that win deserves a celebration Dawg Nation, but let’s focus, rehydrate and get ready for SEC play. We don’t need an October like last year.

Auburn vs. Mercer

I’m gonna try my best not to laugh as I type this Auburn fans …

Tough loss last week. I for one was shocked, shocked I tell you, that Auburn’s new QB with no SEC experience isn’t the world-beating Heisman candidate that everyone proclaimed he would be during the preseason. You did your best though guys. I mean 6 points isn’t great, but I’m sure Gus Malzahn will figure it out. He’s always been so good at winning with his own players and developing quarterbacks ….

I hope you’re picking up on the sarcasm here Plainsman because I am laying it on pretty thick.

What was actually shocking was the fact that Auburn’s O-Line (which was considered the strongest unit on their team) gave up 11 sacks to Clemson. Eleven! Those aren’t even video game numbers. Those are numbers some 6-2, 200-pound middle school DE puts up because he hit a growth spurt before everyone else in the 6th grade and his parents held him back 3 years so he’d peak as a preteen.

Credit: Jeremy Brevard-USA TODAY Sports

Perhaps the most amazing stat of the game wasn’t even the sacks though. It’s the fact that Auburn actually won the time of possession battle against Clemson holding the ball for 32:25. And, in that half hour plus of Malzahn’s electric offense, they racked up a staggering … wait for it … 117 yards. 

Score: Auburn 48, Mercer 7

Booze: Michelob. Funneled through a spaghetti strainer. Why? Auburn’s offensive line had more holes in it than a set of pasta cookware from Crate & Barrel. Also, make sure it’s Michelob because you don’t even deserve something name brand like Michelob Ultra. That’s for people watching their calories and trying to go fast. Right Gus? Right?!

No. The entire offense deserves to get all sorts of self-loathing drunk on the bench after last week’s performance. Stay on the sidelines because the new Auburn offense should just be a kickoff return, and then letting 13th-year Senior K Daniel Carlson attempt a field goal from literally anywhere on the field.

Credit: Chuck Cook-USA TODAY Sports

Mizzou (-7) vs. Purdue

Fun Fact: I overanalyze most things in my life, and I legitimately spent/wasted a full hour of my day in a deep dive of statistics trying to figure out this game. My apartment walls look like that chalkboard from “Good Will Hunting.” However, the only answer I came up with after hours of research was this: DON’T trust my instincts OR Missouri against the spread.

Just take the over, y’all.

Credit: Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

Mizzou lost by 18 points last week to South Carolina despite outgaining the Gamecocks in almost every offensive category. Except points of course. I trust Mizzou about as much as I trust the quality of beef from a Taco Bell drive-thru in St. Louis. The good news is that Purdue is giving up over 460 ypg and over 300 pass ypg. Drew Lock will have a field day, and Missouri will still find a way to be Missouri and keep it close.

Score: Mizzou 42, Purdue 34

Booze: Round of Boilermakers (On C-Bass’ Tab). Shut up. I know it’s cliche and obvious, but I’m tired and it’s tough to come up with different booze beverages for every game during a season. It’s a marathon, not a sprint, y’all. So, grab your Boilermaker, or as I like to call it — The Coal Miner’s Car Bomb. A shot of whiskey dropped into a draft beer? How sad and depressed do you have to be to not only think of that, but also actually put it in your body. Gross.

I like my Boilermakers like I like my gluten free tofu — completely absent from my diet. Sorry for the drink choice Mizzou fans, but you’ve done this to yourselves. Good news is that they’re free because you can just put them on C-Bass’ tab … (please God tell me a majority of you get that reference.)

Bama (-28.5) vs. Colorado State

Mike Bobo makes his triumphant return to SEC play as the head coach of the CSU Rams. For those of you not familiar with the name — “Bobo” was a name that usually followed one, or several, four-letter words from UGA fans in the late 2000’s after every Trap Draw he called on 3rd-and-9 as the offensive coordinator of the Dawgs.

I’ll be brief. Bama hasn’t looked like the No. 1 team in the country. They’re only averaging 383 ypg on offense, and shock upon shock, they have concerns in the kicking game.

However, the defense is still saltier than a jaded ex-girlfriend at a pretzel stand. I could give you stats, but does it really matter? Bama isn’t gonna be challenged until November. Also, CSU’s defense gives up 4.1 rush ypc, so the stable of Tide RBs should enjoy Saturday.

Credit: Marvin Gentry-USA TODAY Sports

Score: Bama 45, CSU 13

Booze: Yellow Hammer from Gallette’s. Last week SDS sent me to T-Town for our new weekly podcast/video series “College Town.” No trip to Tuscaloosa is complete without a yellow cup full of this rum-filled deliciousness. Drinking it is a lot like playing Bama to be honest. It seems kind of boring and not very potent. Then, just as you’re starting to lull yourself to sleep out of boredom and buzz, you realize that this methodical mixology has hit you harder than Bama’s defense.

Next thing you know you’re in a windowless arena taking an L while “Dixieland Delight” plays in the background. Roll Tide!

LSU (-7) at Miss. State

On paper this is one of the best matchups of Week 3. Both sides boast a yardage differential of 300+ yards between their offense and defense. That should come to a surprise to most considering Mississippi State is pretty much only good when they have Dak Prescott at QB and LSU pretty much hasn’t had a potent offense since the Clinton administration.

I’ve gone back and forth on this game. I think Miss State is good and will surprise some teams this year. However, bottom line: LSU isn’t losing to Mississippi State. They’re too talented, too physical, and most important, they get one of the best players in the country back, DE Arden Key.

Credit: Jerome Miron-USA TODAY Sports

Score: LSU 31, Miss. St. 21

Booze: White Lightning Moonshine. This seemed like a perfect choice after I spoke with a good buddy, and avid LSU fan, Aaron Clark. Aaron suggested this booze for the tailgate because he said, and I quote, “Northern Mississippi produces more Moonshine than the rest of the country combined.” Which I thought was a really cool statistic.

Then he followed that up with, “I don’t know if that’s true, but it sounds legit.” Screw it.

It’s late, and I’m tired. Plus, White Lightning is a perfect nickname for dual-threat QB Nick Fitzgerald.

Vandy vs. Kansas State (-4)

This is hands down the game I’m looking forward to most this weekend. On one side, you have a Big 12 sleeper with 14 returning starters and the best 138-year-old coach in all of football: Bill Snyder. On the other side, you have Vanderbilt, which is 2-0 for the first time since … I don’t know when. Not even Vandy fans can remember 2011 (when they actually knocked off Ole Miss in Week 3 to start 3-0).

Not only are they undefeated, but the ‘Dores also boast one of the best defenses in the country, giving up 159 ypg. And, they actually lead the country in 3rd-down defense, allowing opponents to convert only 7.69 percent of the time. Read that again. VANDY LEADS THE COUNTRY IN A STATISTIC THAT ISN’T ABOUT GRADUATION RATES OR LAW DEGREES.

Credit: Scott Sewell-USA TODAY Sports

Here’s the deal: This game is just nothing more than good ol’ fashioned unapologetically boring football. I feel like every player for both teams looks like George McFly in the original Back to the Future. Honestly, both teams should just ditch the helmet and pads and play in a pair of jeans, Chuck T’s and white undershirts. They shouldn’t even play 60 minutes of football and instead just settle this like men and have a dance off a la West Side Story.

What do you actually need to know after that diatribe about 50’s fashion and musicals? K-State has one of the best, and most balanced, offenses in the country. And Vandy hasn’t beaten a ranked non-conference opponent at home in 71 years, which is an absolute surprise to no one.

Score: K-State 27, Vandy 20

Booze: Gin & (Prune) Juice. With a chaser of multivitamins and Metamucil. This game will be about as exciting as a date night for the early bird special at a Picadilly Cafeteria followed by Bingo night at the nursing home. The prune juice is key because it keeps you regular and consistent. And, nothing describes Bill Snyder better than that.

Kentucky at S. Carolina (-6.5)

What a classic matchup between two mid-tier titans of the prestigious SEC East. It might only be September, but the battle for the Belk Bowl might very well be won this Saturday night in beautiful Columbia, S.C.

This game is basically a glorified fun house of smoke and mirrors. At surface level this looks like a good matchup between two undefeated teams in the SEC. I even fell into the trap of assuming USC is for real after its 2-0 start against Mizzou and N.C. State. Then, I checked some numbers …

Credit: Denny Medley-USA TODAY Sports

Carolina is only averaging 300 ypg on offense and hasn’t recorded more first downs than either of its first two opponents. Not only that, but Coach Boom’s defense is giving up over 460 ypg. How are they winning? It’s simple. They have one of the most electric athletes in the SEC and everyone’s favorite bully from “Friday,” Deebo Samuel. Samuel already has 5 TDs in his first 2 games, including 2 kickoff returns for TDs.

Who else wants some of Deebo?!?!

Score: USC 31, Kentucky 23

Booze: Stella Artois. Why? It’s as deceptively average as South Carolina has been so far this season. However, fans of both the Gamecocks and this overpriced pilsner swear it’s a cut above its average and stale domestic and divisional rivals. Stella isn’t fancy, y’all. It’s British Bud Light (Please don’t fact check that). And, Carolina isn’t fancy either. I mean for God sakes Kentucky has won 3 in a row over them. In football.

Tennessee at Florida (-5)

And, now we get to the game of the week, and annual must-see matchup that is Tennessee vs. Florida. This is one of the best rivalries in the SEC, and one of my favorite games every year. Personally, I am super excited for this game because Saturday Down South is sending me  to Gainesville this week to film “College Town,” where I get to continue eating and drinking my way through The SEC.

My jorts are packed. See you tonight, Gainesville!

 Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Quick moment of silence to show respect for how hilarious and ironic the picture above is. It’s great to be a Florida Gator? Is it? Is it though?

Anyways, is it me or does this game have an odd feel to it? I feel like the rivalry is back and that the game finally matters again ever since Tennessee broke its 11-game losing streak to the Gators last year. However, both teams are pretty lackluster and this game has lost some its shine. Tennessee-Florida used to be a Top 5 matchup that was always an instant classic and featured names like Peyton Manning, Danny Wuerffel, Tim Tebow, Derek Dooley … OK maybe not the last one.

Credit: Kim Klement-USA TODAY Sports

Apologies to both fanbases, but for your own sake I’m not gonna get into an actual breakdown of the game because I don’t want to emotionally scar any fan with embarrassing stats from either team. Like Vols fans don’t want to hear about how they’re giving up over 300 rushing ypg. And, Gator fans don’t scoff at that because it’s not like your team is gonna take advantage. You’re ranked last in the entire country in rushing offense after that 27-carry for 11 yards performance you put up in Week 1.

I honestly don’t know what to expect, both offenses are so bad. Please don’t make it first to 21 points wins, either. We’ll be here all freaking week.

Score: Florida 3, Tennessee 2 (Don’t laugh because you know it could happen).

Booze: Orange Jello Shots. Specifically to be consumed alone while floating in an above ground pool wondering what happened to your life/football program. The days of national relevance for this rivalry are gone. Now, Tennessee-Florida is more like two past their prime beauty queens arguing about who’s the hottest girl in the trailer park. Settle down Trish and Tammy. Neither of you are as pretty as that Georgia Peach from Athens, anyways.