Our weekly SEC football recap article where we celebrate the highlights and have some fun with the lowlights…

It’s week three, and there seem to be some trends developing. The Big 10 is really, very bad. They continue to underwhelm week after week. The low lights from this week include losses to West Virginia, Bowling Green, Iowa State, TCU, and Washington. What is also a trend is that Vanderbilt remains to be awful.

Thankfully the Vandy game was blacked out, because the Dores are bad. Vanderbilt opened as a huge favorite against UMass, but in what seems to be a pattern that will continue throughout the season, the Commodores did everything they could to lose. Vanderbilt has underperformed against the spread by 70 points, which is really really bad.

SEC West Race: Wide Open
Quality of Play: Brutal, Holding Steady

It’s becoming clear that the SEC West alone is better than every other conference in the country. How many SEC West teams could win the Big Ten? 5? 6?

Gosling vs. Bielema

Arkansas vs Texas Tech showcased opposing styles of men. Not football players, but rather football coaches. While Kingsbury of course reminds us of Ryan Gosling, Bret Bielema, well, reminds us of somebody else. Kingsbury likes to throw the ball and wear cool shades. Bielema likes to run the ball and wears large, oversized wind breakers. While Kingsbury is the man with the ladies, Bielema has actually done pretty well himself. Wait, is Bielema better with the ladies? He proved his worth Saturday by going into Lubbock and kicking Ryan Gosling’s ass old school style. Hey Gosling, I’m going to run the ball a thousand times and just try and stop me. 49 points and 400 rush yards later, all of a sudden Bielema has Arkansas trending in the right direction. Wow, the SEC West is brutal. The internet spat out what could be the greatest gif in the history of gifs, absolutely nailing a Kingsbury/Bielema comparison:

(h/t: @RedditCFB)

Powers Cruise

Elsewhere in the West, LSU’s defense completely shut down Louisiana Monroe, holding them scoreless. In terms of Les Miles wins it was probably one of the most boring games ever. Alabama looked like they were sleepwalking against Southern Mississippi, but they’re so much better than the Golden Eagles it didn’t even matter. It was evident that the Crimson Tide had no desire to be there, something that Nick Saban will no doubt pop a blood vessel over in the film session. In related news, Alabama apparently thinks Lane Kiffin is “an idiot coach”, something they felt so strongly about that they put it up on their official site. Oh, it was hacked? Debatable.

Pulling a Dak

Dak Prescott’s march toward a guaranteed Heisman trophy continued as he accomplished the feat of throwing for a touchdown, catching a touchdown and running for a touchdown. This is the second time in his career he has done this for Dan Mullen. I think Mississippi State fans should start using the phrase “pulled a Dak Prescott” in reference to accomplishing the triple touchdown stat line. Let’s consider the following usage:

Person A: “Damn, this guy has thrown for two touchdowns and run for another. Not a bad day.”
Person B: “It’s an ok day. What would make it a great day is if he pulled a Dak Prescott. C’mon coach, call the halfback option, QB reverse! Get that QB a touchdown reception!”

I think with enough commitment by Mississippi State fans, there’s a small chance it could become part of standard sports lexicon – sort of like when someone hits for the cycle. Question to ponder: How many Dak Prescotts does Dak Prescott have to secure in 2014 in order to win the Heisman? 10?

Party at the Grove

Dr. Bo was looking pretty sharp against the Ragin Cajuns, throwing for over 300 yards and 4 TDs. If Bo can keep from throwing the ball to the other team, this Ole Miss squad can do some special things, or at least we think. How long has it been since the Rebels have been ranked in the top 10? They are trending in that direction, so things could be getting interesting in Oxford. I can only imagine how much fun the kids are having at the Grove this year. Can we get a camera there just to record all the awesome?

Aggies Outgained, Doesn’t Matter

Kenneth Trill and his Aggies managed to score 38 points while only having the ball for 5 minutes, or something crazy like that(16 minutes, but still.). It is not very often a team dominates the time of possession, outgains the other team, has no turnovers, and gets housed by 28. That is exactly what the Rice Owls did. They pretty much owned all facets of the game you’d want to win, other than scoring more points than the other team, which is the only thing that matters, I’m told.

SEC East Race: Wide Open
Quality of Play: Decent, Rising

While the West is loaded with parity via a crop of ranked teams, the East is similarly loaded with parity via a crop of not ranked teams. Georgia goes down to South Carolina, Florida requires three overtimes to beat Kentucky, Mizzou rolls and Tennessee doesn’t embarrass themselves in Norman, Oklahoma. Who is going to win these divisions? Your guess is as good as mine. If Bob Stoops thinks the SEC’s bottom half is average, he’s insane. I can’t remember when the SEC from top to bottom was this difficult. Other than the Derek Mason Commodores, there are no “gimmies” on the conference schedule. Is the SEC going to beat itself up and put a couple two-loss division winners in Atlanta? How will that affect the SEC’s spot in the 4-team playoff? These questions will haunt me for the next couple months.

Mauktober is Near

Another game where folks call for a possible Missouri upset, and another game where Maty Mauk and the Missouri Tigers secure a somewhat impressive win. Maty Mauk is doing all the things we’ve been hoping he would. He’s tossing mad touchdowns and growing an awesome beard. Perhaps he could record a Vine of him wrestling a bear or something? But the season is young, so there is still time for him to head out into the wilderness and do some crazy bearded Missouri man stuff. Things I’m excited about: Mauktoberfest is coming.

OT Thriller

Is Florida just average? Is Kentucky good? I have no idea what to take away from the Florida-Kentucky triple overtime thriller of 2014. Driskel made a clutch overtime touchdown on 4th down(maybe not getting the ball off in time, depending on how you read clocks) keeping Florida alive for another OT. The Gators have a potential superstar in Demarcus Robinson, but needing a third overtime to beat Kentucky isn’t exactly what Gator fans are expecting – maybe they should get used to it? Kentucky under Mark Stoops definitely looks to be a quality team. Their defense is legit, and they may have one of the best quarterbacks in the SEC East. What we do know is that the prettiest thing in the game was having Jesse Palmer and Tim Tebow in the same booth at the same time. We can neither confirm nor deny that the SEC Network has a new Bachelor-style dating show in the works. Tim, Jesse and plenty of eligible ladies. Who’s not watching that?

If Jesse and Timmy are loving life, the person hating life right now is Will Muschamp. There were 5 or 6 moments during the Kentucky game where it looked like he might keel over and just die on the field. My favorite is when Florida stopped Kentucky on third down in either the 2nd or 3rd overtime, but landed a 15 yard face mask penalty on the play. The look on Muschamp’s face as he stared at the grass beneath him was just brutal. His life expectancy is plummeting. SEC football, ladies and gentlemen.

OBC on Top

Steve Spurrier came out of retirement consideration to make Mark Richt and the zillions of Georgia fans miserable for a week. In a game where Georgia was supposed to win by 100 points, the Ol’ Ball Coach reminded the world of a few things: 1) Despite an embarrassing performance against Kenny Trill, Williams-Brice is still a very tough place to win. 2) Mark Richt with an extra week to prepare couldn’t get his team over the hump with probably a superior roster. Does he deserve criticism for the loss? Absolutely. Georgia should have won this game. 3) As long as Spurrier is hanging around the east, he’ll likely be a thorn in the side of everyone regardless of the talent level of the Gamecocks. As Spurrier so eloquently put it, “We were meant to win this game and Georgia was not.” Indeed.

Under Construction

Butch Jones may be rebuilding the Vols brick by brick, but he might want to consider putting some of those bricks along the offensive line. Tennessee loaded up the plane with a roster that I believe consisted of 25 freshmen, 15 high school seniors and a handful of advanced 8th graders to compete against the jewel of the Big 12 in a hostile environment. While the Vols are taking steps toward relevancy, the Sooners defensive front manhandled the Tennessee OL. Worley barely escaped with his life and the Vols ground game had negative yards until almost the start of the 4th quarter. On the positive side, the Vols hung in on this game into the second half. Turnovers in the red zone killed the chance for a major upset, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t positive takeaways as the Vols go back to Knoxville. The Vols might be improved in every area except the offensive line, and that alone could mean there are several more losses left on the schedule.

Key Plays

Jeff Driskel gets the snap off just in time, allegedly, and throws a game-saving TD:

Dylan Thompson keeps it on 4th and inches, getting the 1st down to ice the game, allegedly:

Fat guy plays are always fun to watch:

What They Meant To Say

“Sure I was hoping we’d come in here and win, but my real goal was to humiliate that fruitcake Kliff Kingsbury on the other sideline. He’s so pretty with those haircuts and sunglasses. But, let me tell you something. I’M THE REAL MAN. WE KICKED THEIR WEST TEXAS ASSES TODAY AND IT REALLY WASN’T THAT HARD EITHER. MY WIFE IS HOTTER THAN ANY GIRL KINGSBURY TAKES HOME TONIGHT. I CHALLENGE KINGSBURY TO A FIGHT AFTER THIS PRESS CONFERENCE. IT’S TIME TO SETTLE THIS. [takes his shirt off and walks out]” – Bret Bielema, my favorite SEC coach

“I’m not sure why Coach Bielema keeps screaming things at me about his wife. He has a good team and seems like his wife is very nice. Our team obviously has plenty to work on.” -Kliff Kingsbury, Texas Tech Head Coach


“I envy Mark Richt’s ability to compartmentalize football from life. He loses big game after big game and is fine with it. How does he keep his job? How do I get that job? I’m dying. Literally, I’m dying. ” -Will Muschamp, two years left of life