As we all adjust to a temporary “new normal” with no sports, self-quarantines and a spreading virus, we’ll document thoughts and ideas about getting by during this historic moment. During this edition, Kevin Duffey and Chris Marler have a conversation about some of the latest news and developments …

Kevin:

Chris, I’m intrigued by the latest announcement from Ice Cube (known from cinematic masterpieces such as xXx and Anaconda), where his 3-on-3 basketball league will be holding a tournament despite the sports world being shut down. I love the headline … “Big3 plans to launch quarantined tournament in April in response to coronavirus sports hiatus.” Finally! Sports!

But it gets better if you read the details. The basketball is only part of it. The press release continues, “To assure the league is operating under safe conditions, players will be quarantined in a large home provided by the league, sources said. A basketball court/facility will be built on site. If a player breaks quarantine at any point during the tournament, he would be eliminated and removed from the premises, sources said. The games and the players’ daily lives will be captured on camera for added drama and storylines. The production crew would be stationed nearby but offsite from the players.”

So we’re talking Big Brother meets 3-on-3 basketball. I think the betting ramifications here are outstanding. First you can bet on the outcome of the tournament itself, but you can also maybe bet on who goes crazy and willingly breaks quarantine just to get the hell out of there.

This announcement leads me to two main questions. First, are the ratings for this going to be off the charts? I mean we’re going crazy with no live sports to watch. Might tens of millions tune in to this? I have no idea. Second, what would the SEC football equivalent of this be? Does it exist? 7-on-7 tournament? Maybe something like the Elite 11 thing with Trent Dilfer but under quarantine? I think I need more. I need SEC coaches involved somehow. Thoughts?

Chris:

All good points here. Anaconda and xXx is classic art at its finest. However, my personal favorite Ice Cube throwback was from his gangsta NWA days and his verse in “Express Yourself” when he said, “Ice Cube, is not for the pop charts”… and then he proceeded to make multiple “Are We There Yets.”

Regardless, I like the enthusiasm. Yesterday I spent a full hour watching European Tram Driving competitions on ESPN2. I always thought if I had more time on my hands I’d be productive, learn DIY, or read more. Instead I’m watching Public Transit Tokyo Drift. One potential concern I have after reading the description is that I’m pretty sure no one in charge of this actually knows the meaning to “quarantine.”

I also love the risk taking here because we could do a Big Brother House Basketball Tournament anytime. Sprinkling in a little global pandemic to the 3-on-3 bracket is next level. The gambling side of this is going to be incredible. Point spreads and germ spreads. The prop bets are going to be amazing. And, what kind of odds am I getting for a “first to cough on a rival team’s belongings” parlay?

Also can’t wait to see what kind of new-age role player this creates for the sport. Like you obviously need someone who can create in space and social distance themselves behind the arc. And how about the big guys? Are we gonna see a return to the physicality of the 80s … but with coronavirus? Who’s gonna be the first the Dennis Coughman or Wayne “Sneeze” Rollins?

And yes you are right, the SEC needs to do this immediately. A 7-on-7 tournament with walk-ons from each school. Players could put the play call sheet on the inside of their medical masks instead of a wristband. Rushers would be in hazmat suits. And, the winning team gets a scholarship, year supply of toilet paper, and first dibs on COVID tests. Sign me up.

Kevin:

European Tram driving competitions sound like riveting television. Wait, this aired on an actual ESPN channel? My goodness, the cable bundle was already dying. The coronavirus is going to pull the plug on whatever future traditional cable had left.

[a few minutes later after looking up European Tram driving on Twitter]

… I totally take back everything I said. This is incredible! I think we might be on the edge of a new golden age of television. Screw Netflix and all this streaming crap. Give me 140 channels of niche content nobody asked for like European Tram driving. The creativity here is off the charts. What else can we turn into sports? Commercial airline flying competitions? I’m picturing a Southwest captain piloting a 737 and he’s gotta fly through some huge airborne obstacle course … like gigantic hoops in the air and what not. I mean doesn’t this solve two problems? Cable TV is a disaster and the airlines are all grounded. Who do I need to talk to to get this going? I think we’re moving way too quickly toward airline bailouts and we could use a little more creativity in this country to save major industries like the airlines.

Moving on to other outstanding television … can we get a Homeland update from you? I like to think of myself as your Homeland mentor since I’ve seen pretty much the entire show (I’m pretty sure I skipped a season or two, but whatever) and I’m able to be a steady ballast to your ups and downs on your journey with Homeland. A few days ago you mentioned “I may be out on Homeland,” and I was able to calm you down like Carrie gets calmed by a heavy dose of antipsychotic meds. What episode are you on, and what is the most egregious part of the show you’ve seen so far (hint, it’ll get worse)?

Chris:

Incredible is a stretch, but it’s better than another Sunday watching Fixer Upper or Shooter on TNT for the 4th time this weekend. Also, the Commercial Airliner Blue Angels routine would be edge of your seat entertainment albeit incredibly dangerous. That said, we should get Spirit pilots instead of Southwest because they don’t care about anything. Other transportation, or tranSPORTation, events would include: Semi-truck parallel parking, rickshaw racing, and seeing how long you and your Uber driver can go without having forced small talk.

The cable and commercial flying talk also brings up a good question: Who would win in a competition for the worst customer service between Comcast and Spirit Airlines? I know we missed out on March Madness, but those two are basically like Duke and Kansas in a bracket of bad attitudes?

Onto binge-watching szn. Just like learning to iron and/or open a savings account, I was years behind every other mature adult that I know on watching Homeland. I came into it with a lot of, not spoilers, but suggestions on what seasons are best, important, not important, etc. But I’ll be honest there’s not really a way to properly prepare someone for a series that starts with Al Qaeda and accidental marital affairs. We watched almost the entire first season until I had to social distance myself away from the show.

SPOILER ALERT: THE CIA AGENT IS SLEEPING AROUND WITH THE TERRORIST.

I’ve had some embarrassing walks of shame. But a terrorist?!?! A terrorist with red hair at that. And, then she’s apparently in love with him. It was just too much. I mean I don’t want to sound insensitive or rude, but I’ll just say it, y’all: I’m anti-Al-Qaeda when it comes to my dating life.

What about you? You’ve got the whole family home now, which means 4 kids under the age of 11 in the house while we wait out this karmageddon. How many times have you seen Frozen 2 so far? And please tell me it’s more than I have.

Kevin:

With respect to Homeland, I think if I were you, I’d just skip ahead to the season that takes place in Pakistan. I think it’s like season 6. The last few episodes where the embassy is under assault is just excellent. And the redhead terrorist guy has long been dead so that’s good. Although — SPOILER ALERT — you haven’t even hinted on the worst part of the show yet. It’s that Carrie and the redhead terrorist HAVE A CHILD. Not only that, but Carrie — you’re never going to believe this — is THE WORST MOM ON THE PLANET. She repeatedly abandons her child over and over to the extent that it kind of turns into a running joke. Someone else must raise my child, because I’ve got to go roam the mountains of Afghanistan!

OK, what I’m watching … yes, my kids have been consuming bandwidth by the terabyte on a daily basis. When you have multiple kids, they have different interests, so they’ll go to different rooms and watch different stuff. My 4-year-old daughter will watch Frozen 2 on a continuous loop while my two boys are obsessed with some show where a guy catches alligators and some YouTube channel where these weird young adults do pranks on people. You know … normal high-brow stuff.

My wife and I just plowed through Love is Blind on Netflix. I’m a bit ashamed of this fact, but for me, it was a mix between a hate-watch and mildly amusing. I think my favorite part was when the highly compensated, professional Jessica who owned an expensive house (who was a mess at other times) went to her much younger fiance’s house to meet his friend and see his video game consoles.

Chris:

Usually when people say “spoiler alert” they do it BEFORE they spoil something for you. You don’t just reveal 5 seasons worth of the show, and then casually throw it end at the end. That’s like if I sliced a tee shot onto another fairway and waited for it to hit someone before I yelled, “Fore!” Dammit! This is my nightmare. I can’t skip ahead because I’m watching it with my fiance. And I can’t tell her I know what happens because she’ll think I watched ahead without her. This is the worst thing to happen to my coronavirus quarantine since the actual coronavirus.

Also, that seems like a lot of seasons to jump for this to be such a great show. Like it’s weird so many people agree “It’s a great show if you don’t watch like 60% of it.” I feel like that’s how most Bama fans talk about their football program. It’s nothing but greatness if you just skip ahead through the 40s, 50s, 80s, 90s and all the DuBose and Shula years.

I’ll see if I can ask her to skip ahead. If she says no, I’m gonna tell at least one of your kids that Santa isn’t real as payback. You did that to yourself.

It’s funny how watching ahead or not waiting to watch a show with your significant other is such a common couple fight now. Streaming ahead is basically the new forgetting your anniversary. One time I did both on the same day which if you’re looking for a fun way to ruin a week of your life and sanity … try it.

I don’t know where to begin with Love is Blind. That is just a * chef’s kiss* of trash tv right there. We debated on watching it for a while because one of the girls is friends with my ex and dated a few people in my fantasy football league. I wasn’t surprised that once I started watching I was immediately hooked. What did surprise me was how many times I found myself yelling at my TV out of shock.

The Jessica and Mark thing was bizarre. It’s not often you can be engaged and in the friend zone to the same person. Amber and Barnett are the most stereotypical small town, Covington, Ga., trainwreck of a couple I’ve ever seen. They’re either going to last forever and have public fights in an Old Navy parking lot or they’re going to break up and have public fights on social media. Also can we please discuss the most awkward proposal ever with Damian and G? I’ve never seen anyone make THAT moment more about themselves than both of these two. Maybe that’s why it worked?

Kevin:

I find it interesting that we’re supposedly in the golden age of television, but we’re all mostly just watching more and more C+ television due to the sheer volume of it (plus a nationwide quarantine doesn’t exactly help). While everyone was seeking the next Game of Thrones, we basically got the next 50 variations of Bachelor in Paradise.

Bringing this back to sports, if major sports start up again, but they limit the in-person crowds, what’s your take on how that impacts the television product? We could see NBA Playoff games with zero fans, or maybe they make fans sit every other seat? My opinion is that it’d be kind of weird, but just like when you’re watching a foreign movie and forget you’re reading subtitles after 15 minutes, I think you’d get used to it. And frankly, after this quarantine, is anyone really going to care? Sports would be back! The ratings would be off the charts.

If there are crowd restrictions during college football, perhaps it’s less noticeable since the field of play is so large (versus in the NBA you can see the fans the entire time), but the lack of crowd noise in a football game would feel kind of odd. Maybe they can pipe it in the broadcast to make us feel normal. Again, at this point, who cares … just give us sports!

Chris:

You hit several nails on the head here. One, we definitely got 50 episodes of Bachelor in Paradise, and sadly I’m here for it. I just love that documentaries used to be some boring VHS that your substitute teacher made you watch with the giant rolly shelf TV stand. Those were great days, but usually about something boring. Now we’re getting documentaries about underground Tiger smuggling.

The sports aspect of this is truly weird because it’s the unknown. I don’t think people would care initially about how weird and odd a desolate arena or stadium would look as long as they get to watch a game again. What I worry about is the performance and quality of each sport suffering. Home-court advantage would be kind of nullified for the NBA playoffs if every arena is empty and silent, which basically devalues every game they’ve played up until now.

College football will suffer from this more than any other sport on the planet for a multitude of reasons. The attendance part will obviously hurt local businesses and economies that depend on those home games every Fall. Also the pageantry that we love so much about the sport will be absent from the gameday atmosphere. It would be odd to run out of a tunnel against a top 10 team to silence. But the biggest thing that will hurt college football season is the lack of all the development, practices, workouts, maturation, etc., that players are missing without spring practice or summer workouts. Think about a team like LSU that ranks 127th in returning production going into next season. Places that always preach next man up aren’t going to be able to coach those young and less experienced players up in the offseason.

I know full well that if we get the opportunity to have college football back, I am going to be fully on board. But I worry how dissimilar it will look from what we are used to.