Recappin’ an opening night of SEC football action…

Johnny who?

Not taking anything away from Jonnny Manziel, but Kevin Sumlin’s system is the real deal. Kenny Hill only managed to break two Manziel records on his first game as a starter. He finished with 511 yards on 44 completions and 3 TD’s.  I thought EA discontinued NCAA College Football, but apparently video game stats are alive and well. Sumlin is a confident man, and it’s no wonder. The offense he trots out is downright gaudy. If the Aggies operate at this level throughout the season Hill may throw for more yards than any quarterback in the history of man.

“We’re not going anywhere anytime soon” -Kevin Sumlin

With Chip Kelly departed to Philadelphia to monitor the sleep habits of NFL players, it appears that Sumlin and fellow SEC West coach Gus Malzahn are set to go head to head for the role of chief offensive guru in college football. Sumlin said after the game that his Aggies aren’t going anywhere, and considering the fact that Sumlin is paid 5 large and gets to fly around in his swagcopter, we believe him.

The other loser tonight, besides of course the Gamecocks, was Charlie Strong. Expect Sumlin to have his pick of every five star offensive talent within a 500 mile radius of College Station.

As good as the Aggie offense was, South Carolina’s defense was equally bad.  At no point did South Carolina look competent. Sure, they lost Jadeveon Clowney, but who even knows what his effort level would have been as A&M moved through the rest of the line like water through a sieve.  Sure, they lost Kelcy Quarles but the Aggie offensive line played so well, his potential contribution would probably have been negated. Sure, they lost 3 starters in the secondary, but Kenny Hill was so precise….I’m just going to stop there. Texas A&M’s offense was so strong the legends of Cocks gone by look just like that: legends. Whatever South Carolina trotted out onto the field tonight on defense was legendarily bad.

The strength of South Carolina’s offense was supposed to be the ground game. Mike Davis was banged up and Brandon Wilds was unimpressive. Did the Aggies find a run defense or were the Gamecock horses uninspired on opening night?  Dylan Thompson ended up with decent production of 366 yards on 20-40 passing and 4 TDs, but overall the performance was just meh.

Pointing to a key moment of the game is difficult. A&M started quick and never let up. This team certainly appears to be built to light up scoreboards faster than, well, really fast. South Carolina starts off a promising season with a crushing loss. With the east fairly wide open heading into the 2014 campaign, it’s hard to overstate the disappointment of tonight’s performance for the Gamecock faithful.

Just how good could Ole Miss be?

Remember when Bo Wallace was supposed to be one of the best QB’s in the SEC? That hype was quickly deflated with 3 INTs in the first half.  It’s only when he decided to start targeting Laquon Treadwell that things sorta picked up for Ole Miss. Boise State and their creamscicle uni’s ended up fading down the stretch, but how could any team compete in those threads?

Does Ole Miss have one of the top defenses in the SEC? Nkemdiche and Prewitt lead a hard-hitting defense that seems to have an attitude out there. Following up an early ejection due to a helmet-to-helmet hit by Serderius Bryant, the Ole Miss defense hit hard and often.


Yes, Vanderbilt vs Temple was delayed and didn’t finish till after 2AM EST, but that isn’t what the yawn was for. This. Game. Was. Brutal.  Anyone who wasn’t paid to stay up to watch this game really needs to question their life choices.

Vanderbilt came out looking strong in some slick new “Anchor Down” uniforms. The refs were so in shock by the awesomeness of the black and gold they tried to say the Dores were in violation of some uniform code or something, losing a timeout each quarter they remained that way. What’s not shocking at all is that the nerds Vanderbilt provided documentation that their new uniforms had been approved.

That was literally the only thing of note from Vandy. They lost to a Temple team that went 2-10 last year. That’s two wins. It’s too early to question Derek Mason, but it’s probably not too early to mention that James Franklin will be missed in Nashville.

Key Plays

South Carolina QB Dylan Thompson hit Nick Jones for a long touchdown, but it wasn’t enough to stay with the relentless Aggies.

The star of Kenny Hill was born last night as he shattered Johnny Football’s single game passing record and simultaneously ended the South Carolina home game win streak.

Forget “Sunshine” Bo Wallace, Ole Miss will be know for their defense this year and their hits. Check out Prewitt laying the wood on Boise State:

What they meant to say

“All that damn running Johnny did just slowed down my offense. He made it all so hard. Just throw to the open guys, dummy.”Kevin Sumlin, Head Coach, Texas A&M

“Damn, am I just a product of the system? Am I just a guy who parties too much, with a receding hairline and lives in Cleveland? Who am I???”Jonathan Manziel, Cleveland Resident

“Manziel’s numbers were pretty good and all, but I’ll probably break all of his records by November. [mocking gives the money signs]”Kenny Hill, 2014 Heisman Trophy Winner

“Watching A&M’s offense fly all over the place got me reminiscing about my glory days in Gainesville. When the Fun N’ Gun was clicking it looked just like that. But my handicap was a 18 back then and now I’m down to a 4, so it’s a give and take.”Steve Spurrier, Avid Golfer, South Carolina

“How’d y’all like that 3-4 defense? We got man-handled tonight. We got clobbered. We’ve got some coaching decisions to make.” *Steve Spurrier

*actual quote

“I honestly thought the game was on Saturday. It took me a couple quarters to realize this was a real game.”Bo Wallace, Part-time Model, Part-time Quarterback

“I’m going to make so much money in two years.”Robert Nkemdiche, Man

“Those uniforms were sharp though, right?”Derek Mason, Interim Head Coach, Vanderbilt Football