I can admit to being an idiot.

I’m not the type of idiot who predicted that Hugh Freeze was about to go in 2013 mode and lead Auburn to a national title berth in Year 1. I’m dumb. I’m not that dumb.

I am, however, the type of idiot who predicted that Freeze was about to lead Auburn to its first top-40 passing offense since 1997.

After 7 games of watching Auburn attempt to throw a forward pass, I’ll say it. I’m dumb. I’m that dumb.

You see, I was under the impression that the post-spring addition of 2-year Michigan State starter Payton Thorne would allow the Tigers to successfully operate a respectable passing game with Freeze and Philip Montgomery at the controls.

I was not, however, under the impression that Auburn would insist on operating a 2-quarterback system that would make me rethink my love for this silly sport.

But heading into late October, here I am, thinking about all the things that I could do that would give me more joy than watching Auburn throw a forward pass.

Here are those 10 things:

1. Get my wisdom teeth out

Every time I go to the dentist, I’m told that eventually, I’ll need to get them removed because I don’t have bottom wisdom teeth and the top ones are getting closer and closer to my gums. Also of note, I’m 33 years old. I’m not some middle school kid who would use it as an excuse to eat ice cream and watch movies at home instead of going to school. I’m a working adult … who would use it as an excuse to eat ice cream and watch movies at home instead of going to school.

I mean, instead of watching Auburn throw a pass.

Hey, eating ice cream and binging “Love is Blind” beats an afternoon of watching Robby Ashford fire missiles into the dirt in the rare instance that he gets a passing play called. And at least he can get a pass off, unlike Thorne, who spends more time looking at his feet amid a collapsing pocket than looking downfield.

Freeze said after Saturday night’s 122-yard dud that Auburn was still searching for the right way to manage the quarterback position. I, however, am still searching for the last SEC passing offense that made me consider willingly spending a day at the dentist.

The only SEC passing offense in the Playoff era that was worse than Auburn’s 151 yards/game was 2019 Kentucky, which made a midseason switch to put receiver Lynn Bowden at quarterback. But Bowden won the Paul Hornung Award as the nation’s most versatile player because while passing wasn’t his strength as a converted receiver, he racked up an SEC-best 1,468 rushing yards.

(UK also finished that season with 114.5 passing yards/game against SEC competition, which is better than Auburn’s current mark of 105 per game. That would be the lowest of any SEC team in the last 15 seasons.)

Kentucky didn’t really have a choice to do that, though. Auburn can’t say that.

I can say that given the choice, I’d choose anesthesia.

2. Deep clean my showers

I’m not talking about the surface-level cleaning to remove soap scum. I’m talking about busting out the big guns — bleach.

I wouldn’t be willing to bleach my eyes out instead of watching Auburn throw a forward pass, but it was an “honorable mention” for this list.

It’s wild to think that Auburn ranks No. 126 in FBS in pass attempts, yet it also finds itself in the bottom 25 in FBS in sacks allowed per game (2.86). That’s a horrendous combination. For every 8 passes Auburn attempts, it gets sacked once. And just against Power 5 competition, Auburn allows 3.6 sacks/game while attempting just 20.8 passes per contest. That’s 1 sack taken for every 5.8 passes attempted against Power 5 defenses.

On second thought, maybe I should’ve included “bleach my eyes out” on this list.

3. Weed my front AND backyard

I’ll confess something. I actually don’t mind weeding that much. It’s tedious, sure, but there’s something oddly satisfying about pulling out deep-rooted weeds and clearing out an area. Granted, in Central Florida heat, we’re talking about a 2-hour chore that usually leaves me feeling lower back pain for days.

Still, that would be less painful than watching a passing offense that’s averaging 11 completions per game against Power 5 competition. Auburn’s first and only completion of 40 yards against Power 5 competition came in the final minutes of Saturday’s loss to Ole Miss on a bobbled catch to a wide-open Jarquez Hunter in the flat. That 47-yard catch with the game all but over meant that the veteran tailback was the team’s leading receiver. The Auburn wide receivers had a combined 3 catches for 28 yards.

In Power 5 games, here’s the combined output for Auburn’s wide receivers this season:

  • at Cal: 3 catches, 32 yards, 1 TD
  • at Texas A&M: 4 catches, 28 yards, 0 TDs
  • vs. Georgia: 4 catches, 26 yards, 0 TDs
  • at LSU: 8 catches, 87 yards, 0 TDs
  • vs. Ole Miss: 3 catches, 28 yards, 0 TDs
  • TOTAL: 22 catches, 201 yards, 1 TD

To recap, Auburn wide receivers are averaging 4 catches for 40 yards in games vs. Power 5 competition, though they’ve been held to less than 35 yards against all non-LSU Power 5 opponents (LSU allows 285 passing yards per Power 5 game).

I can manage lower back pain with ibuprofen. What’s the best medicine for watching receivers who catch 1 pass per hour?

4. Wipe down and boil all my daughter’s toys … again

The first time I did that, it fell on one of those chored-filled Saturdays in the offseason wherein I would’ve paid an uncomfortable amount of money to watch even just a quarter of live tackle football. MACtion? Sun Belt? MIAA??? You name it, I would’ve paid for it.

But in hindsight, I would’ve needed to cut it off at some point. Paying any amount of money to watch Auburn’s passing game in mid-May would’ve been uncomfortable.

There are 3 teams who have fewer completed passes vs. FBS competition than Auburn (71). Who are they? Three service academies. The only Power 5 team that averaged fewer yards per pass attempt vs. FBS competition than Auburn is Iowa.

With all due respect to our troops and our farmers, when your passing game is being compared to service academies and Iowa, you’re in the least flattering company possible.

5. Go to Disney World on a 100-degree day

I know. It’s “The Happiest Place on Earth.” Hear me out.

I live just north of downtown Orlando, so it’s not proximity that ever deters me from making a trip to the theme parks. I enjoy going to any of the Disney parks on the right day (I’m admittedly more of a Universal guy). My nightmare is willingly paying hundreds of dollars to go spend a day with thousands of tourists in unforgiving heat and then paying $8 per bottle of water to get any sort of relief. For those of us who run hot, a combination of factors like that is a non-starter.

But hey, at least in that scenario, money buys me temporary hydration or air conditioning. Where’s that relief coming from in the Auburn passing game? Those recruits and transfers aren’t signing on the dotted line until December.

I’ll take $8 water and 5 minutes of AC over that.

6. Sit in I-4 traffic

If you know, you know.

7. Fly Spirit Airlines

Everyone always says that you get what you pay for with Spirit. I’m at least getting a better-than-zero-percent chance of reaching my destination without any catastrophic issues. Sure, the Spirit flight attendants might claim that breathing is only reserved for the “premium package,” but that’s a small price to pay when you compare it to 3.5 hours of joyless murderball.

Oops. My bad. “Joyless murderball” was the mantra for that other school in the state of Alabama.

Joyless ball* was what I meant to call Auburn’s passing game.

8. Follow around the person who insists on taking all phone calls on speaker when in public

If you’re that person, let me tell you something that you need to hear (and not on speakerphone).

Stop it. You’re making the rest of us miserable simply because you don’t want to hold a phone to your ear.

But still, even if there was a world in which I was forced to follow that person around instead of watching the Auburn passing game, I’d take it 100 times out of 100. At least I get to make faces and off-handed remarks at the person on speakerphone. Eventually, I feel like I can get through to that person and let them know that what they’re doing is setting the human race back centuries.

How can anyone actually get through to Freeze that this isn’t working? He’s seen all the film. He led 5 top-40 passing offenses, so he’s well aware that what he’s looking at is a complete train wreck.

There’s clearly a big-picture focus with this passing game and the willingness to still attempt forward passes with an ineffective 2-quarterback system. Freeze is trying to establish an offensive identity that’ll show future passing game recruits and transfers that Auburn isn’t just going to abandon the air attack. Eventually, he wants to have the personnel who can actually execute the offensive scheme that helped earn him a coveted Power 5 job. If his job were on the line, you can bet that he’d be employing a different schematic strategy.

It’s just too bad that the stuck-in-the-mud Year 1 scheme is setting the forward pass back centuries.

9. Become a weekend birdwatcher

You laugh, but there are some majestic birds out there. Watch a hawk spread its wings as it swoops through the sky before nestling on a nearby tree. Or if you’re fortunate enough to be in the presence of an owl, check out how big those suckers are. They’re the alphas of any tree that they call home. Go to the Grand Canyon and try to spot an ever-rare Condor — make sure it isn’t a turkey vulture — or go to a place where the bald eagle population has made a considerable comeback in the last decade.

Auburn fans know all too well the electricity that comes with watching a bald eagle soar through the air. The Tigers’ pre-game tradition dates back to 2000, and eagles have been associated with Auburn for over 100 years.

Auburn fans, be honest. You’d rather watch an eagle fly around Jordan-Hare Stadium than subject your eyes to Thorne airmailing Jay Fair on a walk-in touchdown.

I don’t blame you!

10. Watch Iowa OC Brian Ferentz and the drive for 325

Say what you want about the Iowa offense. We’ve at least been blessed with one of the most bizarre ultimatums in college football history, complete with this fun graphic that gets weekly updates:

Watching Iowa’s offense is more like watching a screensaver with that rotating logo that you know is someday going to hit perfectly in the corner. Even though there’s an extremely high rate of failure, you get the benefit of continued entertainment.

Nothing is entertaining about the Auburn passing game. There’s no “drive for 325.”

There’s just a long walk down an empty highway in a sun-soaked desert. If you see a highlight-reel pass, there’s a good chance that it’s a mirage and you’re hallucinating.

Don’t be an idiot. Go buy that $8 bottle of water.