Uncensored play-by-play commentary: Auburn vs. Alabama
Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the Auburn vs. Alabama game:
It’s the Iron Bowl and everything is on the line. A Playoff spot, Gus’ job, what future apology Gary Danielson will be forced to make, it’ll all be decided by whatever insane things happen over the course of the next 60 minutes. Let’s get to it.
Auburn gets the ball first and Bo Nix comes out firing. That might sound like a bad thing if you’re a Tigers fan, but it actually works out. Het hits 2 big throws in a row to get Auburn across midfield, but on a 3rd-and-10, Bama gets a big stop with the benefit of a controversial call. Stop if you’ve heard that one before.
Turns out it doesn’t matter if you have a backup quarterback when your running back can run over and jump over defenders on a single play. Auburn’s defense seems about as interested in tackling Najee Harris as South Carolina fans are in keeping Will Muschamp.
The drive ends with a field goal. And if Bama is hitting field goals … good luck Auburn.
So far, Mac Jones seems pretty comfortable under center. But you know what’s not comfortable? Running full speed into Derrick Brown. Jones gets absolutely leveled and it knocks the Bama drive off-kilter enough to force a punt.
After a big return, Gus decides to let Bo Nix do what Bo Nix does best — not throw. It works and Nix runs untouched into the end zone. Oklahoma and Utah fans are ecstatic.
Auburn leads 7-3.
Alabama’s strategy seemingly is to pretend to be every Nick Saban Alabama team that existed before Tua arrived. It starts with Mac Jones doing his best Jacob Coker impression with some picture-perfect hand-offs with Najee Harris doing his best Derrick Henry impression and bowling over the defense on his way to the end zone.
Let’s just hope this new Alabama team learns its lesson and lets the game go to overtime instead of doing anything with just 1 second on the clock.
Auburn puts together a good drive thanks to a series of 3rd-down conversions that were either very lucky or very skilfully executed depending on who you ask. On 3rd-and-8, all of Jordan-Hare is holding their breath to see what Bo Nix will do. But Gus isn’t feeling lucky today, he runs a draw up the middle and is happy to leave with 3 points.
We are tied 10-10.
So far, Mac Jones has done a solid job, and when you’re playing quarterback at Alabama, playing solidly is just fine. As long as he doesn’t throw a terrible pass that lands right in the hands of Auburn’s Smoke Monday, he’s fine.
Turns out, he’s actually not fine. Touchdown Auburn on the interception return.
Auburn is back on top, 17-10.
Jordan-Hare is rocking, and Auburn is feeling really good about itself. But they’re about to learn the No. 1 lesson of playing Alabama: Just like Michael Myers in the Halloween movies, you have to kill them at least 7 times before they’re finally dead.
Before Auburn fans could get back to their couch after grabbing some Thanksgiving leftovers, Jaylen Waddle returns the kickoff 95 yards and we’re tied once again.
Momentum is the most valuable thing in college football, and Auburn got to feel it for a grand total of 4 seconds before they bounce passed it right back to Bama. Two plays after the kick return, Auburn fumbles right into the hands of the Bama defense, which sets up Mac Jones with a short field to work with.
A couple plays later Henry Ruggs is in the end zone and Michael Myers is alive and well.
Auburn’s wide receiver corps is pretty depleted, which means they’re left with a bunch of guys who look less like SEC wide receivers and more like high school soccer players. But that doesn’t mean they still can’t do work against this Alabama secondary. After great catches by Will Hastings and Seth Williams, Bo Nix finds Nicolas Cage stunt double Sal Cannella in the end zone and we’re tied again.
After that thrilling drive, Auburn fans only have 1 question: Why did we leave so much time on the clock?
Thirty seconds later, Jaylen Waddle catches a pass and sprints 58 yards for a TD. His portion of the play took about 6 seconds.
Alabama goes back on top 31-24.
After a Jaylen Waddle touchdown that happened so quickly you have to wonder if it was part of Auburn’s strategy, the Tigers are now driving for a chance to get one last score before the half. It looks like the clock runs out on the half but instant replay confirms there is … wait for it … 1 second left.
Auburn runs out its field goal team, the refs wait for them to get set and in position to snap it. They pull it off and hit the field goal to end the half. It doesn’t make sense, but Auburn will need all the help it can get to win this game, so we’ll let it slide.
Nick Saban, however, is not quite as willing to overlook this. He ends the half with what can only be described as an anger fueled interpretive dance.
This Iron Bowl seems absolutely certain to end in complete chaos. You love to see it.
Auburn heads to the break trailing 31-27.
After an Auburn field goal makes it 31-30, Bama strings together a couple of clutch penalties to extend the drive and take the ball right to edge of the end zone. Saban’s angry interpretive dance at the end of the first half appears to have paid off. That’s good coaching.
Bama tries twice to get Najee Harris to punch it in to no avail, so the Tide try something different. Sarkisian calls a no-look pass, except that the person who wasn’t looking was the receiver. It bounces off the back of Najee Harris and into the arms of Zakoby McClain who takes it 100 yards the other way. The magic of Jordan-Hare strikes again.
That was quite the blow, but it’s gonna take more than that to take out Alabama. With his back against the wall, Mac Jones transforms into Joe Burrow for a second and leads Bama down the field in just a few plays. And just like Burrow, he has no trouble finding the end zone against Auburn. In just 5 plays, Waddle is in the end zone again and Bama is back in the lead.
At some point, Auburn should consider trying to tackle that guy.
Coming into the game, Gus said as long as Auburn could get it to the 4th quarter with the chance to win the game, he likes their chances. Well, the good news is, after another field goal, they enter the 4th quarter with the lead, 40-38. The bad news is he should have said something more along the lines of, “We should really think about defending Jaylen Waddle.”
Jones finds Waddle in the end zone again and NFL scouts across the nation are devastated they have to wait a year to draft this guy.
Alabama retakes the lead, 45-40.
With the game in crunch time, Auburn’s offense returns to its bread and butter — weird little runs and reverses. Surprisingly, it works. Auburn gets hardnosed all the way to the edge of the end zone. And on 3rd down, Shaun Shivers takes an end-around right through the chest of Xavier McKenney in a violent collision that even Myles Garrett would be proud of.
Auburn is back on top, 48-45
All the pressure in the world is on Mac Jones now. It’s 4th-and-8, Bama has to convert this to stay alive and Jones decides now is a good time to unleash his game-changing (not quite) speed. It works well enough to pick up the 1st down and suddenly Bama is in the red zone threatening to take the lead.
If you listen carefully, you can hear Alabama fans all over the world muttering “please don’t let this come down to a kick.”
They say God has a sense of humor …. And apparently when the Iron Bowl is being played at Jordan-Hare, he’s also an Auburn fan. Bama attempts a game-tying kick … and we get the doink heard around the south.
There’s only about one thing that can make Nick Saban’s Saturday afternoon worse … watching his assistant coaches put 12 men on the field on 4th down. It gives Auburn a 1st down and a chance to kneel this one out.
Alabama will get to remember what going to an actual bowl game is like, and Auburn fans get to rest easy in the knowledge of Gus sticking around for another year. And the world (except for Tuscaloosa) is happy.