Uncensored play-by-play commentary: Florida vs. Miami
Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of the Florida vs. Miami game:
“Welcome to the first game of the 2019 college football season! Tonight we have Gators vs. Canes, who will battle for the prestigious Florida Man trophy, which is just a $10 Publix gift card.
“All the biggest stars from the state are here: Tim Tebow, Michael Irvin, Steve Spurrier, … Urban Meyer for some reason. Let’s get this game started!”
1st quarter 15:00
“Miami gets the ball first and we get to see freshman Jarren Williams. He runs Dan Enos’ offense to perfection and makes the college football world remember what Alabama looked like before they played Clemson last year. Florida gets a stop in the red zone, and all those who bet on Bubba Baxa scoring the first points of the year get a ton of money.
“Miami leads 3-0.”
Now we get to see Feleipe Franks, can he live up to the hype he set for himself at the end of last season? Doesn’t look like it so far as he gets stopped on 3rd down for a quick 3-and-out. Now the Gators will have to punt and … wait …. was that the Flash? … Usain Bolt?
“No, it’s Florida punter Tommy Townsend zooming around the edge on the fake punt for the first down. One player later, Kadarius Toney takes a quick hitch route 66 yards for a touchdown, doing his best Tommy Townsend by outrunning the entire Canes defense.
“Just like that, Florida leads 7-3.”
“After Miami runs a few plays of its very ineffective ‘don’t block’ offense, the Canes quickly go 3-and-out. The Gators, meanwhile, continue to make things as agonizing as possible for the Canes’ defense with two 4th-down conversions deep in Miami territory.
“The only thing that could stop the Gators’ offense at this point is if Franks just dropped the ball on the ground. Oh, good, he listened. Fumble. Miami ball. Turnover chain time.
“We’d say the Turnover Chain might have jumped the shark, but the entire Miami program jumped the shark about a decade ago, so it doesn’t really matter.”
2nd quarter 15:00
“The Miami offense feeds off the newfound momentum by giving a clinic in how to false start inside your own 5-yard line. Very impressive stuff.
“But Florida is apparently not a huge fan of having the football right now. They fumble a simple pitch and we get the second coming of the turnover chain. This time on offense, Miami experiments with what it would be like to try to block some, and what do you know? They get a couple of first downs and a field goal.
“Miami closes within 7-6.”
“Big news, Florida doesn’t fumble the ball. They punt on 4th down. It’s amazing how well Dan Mullen can develop an offense.
“Miami gets the ball back and slowly, miserably make its way down the field. It’s not pretty, but by this point in the evening the crowd has had enough to drink that “pretty” is very subjective. The drive ends with a tipped pass caught for a touchdown and just like that the Canes lead.
“Dan Mullen tries to use the few seconds remaining to push for a score, but the half ends with Franks taking a sack with no timeouts left. In one half, Feleipe went from veteran QB poised for a breakout year to probably having to shush his own fans again.
“That brings us to halftime.”
3rd quarter 15:00
“Let’s see if Franks can shake off the bad vibes of the first half. After quick punts by both teams, the Gators go back to what they do best, going for it on 4th down. It works. Someone just needs to whisper in Mullen’s ear “it’s 4th down” every other play and this offense will be impossible to stop.
“The drive ends in a field goal after the Gators fail miserably on a QB draw. Thoughts and prayers to everyone who took the Over.
“Miami gets its drive extended by a really terrible block in the back call, but it doesn’t seem to help much as they punt just a few plays later. Both offenses are slowly getting worse and harder to understand, it’s like watching Lee Corso on GameDay.”
“The Gators finally found a way to gain a bunch of yards. Simply go 3-and-out out and have the Miami returner muff the punt inside the 10-yard line. It works to perfection, Franks hits Perine in the end zone and the Gators take the lead.
“Call the Gators’ defense Mother Theresa because they’re all about charity tonight. They gift the Canes a couple of late hit penalties and then let DeeJay Dallas bounce off them like pinballs en route to a 50-yard touchdown. Canes go back on top.
“By the way, DeeJay Dallas is the running back for Miami and not a character from Magic Mike. It’s easy to get confused.
4th quarter 9:48
“Franks overthrows a wide open Florida receiver and Miami gets the pick. After that things get weird. Miami tries to fake a field goal that at first gets called back for holding but then Florida gets called for another late hit and it’s 1st-and-goal, Miami.
“After all that though, Miami is forced to kick a chip shot field goal, but Bubba Baxa misses. Does Miami have a piece of jewelry for that?”
Franks finally decides that his arm is warmed up enough to complete a deep pass, and he connects on a 65-yard bomb to set Florida up with a 1st-and-goal. Two plays later, the Gators are in the end zone and suddenly it’s a shootout.
“In case anyone was still on the fence of who to root for in this game, Franks makes it easy to root for the Canes by screaming nonsense into the camera. Truly the J.R. Smith of college football.
“Florida’s back on top 24-20.”
“Miami is forced into a 4th-and-long, and there are not many more sure bets in the world than Grantham sending the house. He does, and the Gators get the sack. With only a few minutes left on the clock, this game is pretty much over unless Florida does something really stupid …
“And Franks throws the world’s easiest interception on 1st down and Miami has new life. And the college football community gets an iconic Spurrier reaction to boot.”
“After a hilarious repetition of sacks, the Canes face a 4th-and-37 with the game on the line. The game is pretty much over unless Florida does something reeeealllllllllyy stupid. And they do!
“Pass interference gives Miami new life again, up until another 3rd-and-long where, you guessed it, the Gators give up another stupid penalty!
“This game is about as drunk as a typical Miami fan.
“Finally, mercifully, this game ends when Miami bobbles the 4th down snap. The Gators win and we can all just pretend this never happened. It’s called Week 0 for a reason.
“Your final from O-Town: Florida 24, Miami 20.”