10 non-football things that I'd like to talk about with Mike Leach
Mike Leach is joining the SEC and my head is spinning.
Why? Suddenly his press conferences are going to become relevant topics in the SEC. This is the guy who will go on tangents about wedding planning or what exists in different galaxies. You never know which direction Leach is going to go, which is something that Mississippi State fans will get a full dose of now that he’s in Starkville.
So that got me thinking. Because Leach’s media availability sessions are known more for his rants than his Xs and Os breakdowns, what if I could ask him about non-football things?
These are the 10 things I’d start with:
1. The oral history of the cowbell
Like, why does he believe MSU fans use it? That’s probably one of those things that he was prepped on during the plane ride to Starkville from Key West. I feel like this would go off into a discussion about cows and our use of them as Americans. Leach would then praise the cow and explain why they’re as valuable a commodity as gold. He wouldn’t be wrong.
2. JFK assassination conspiracy theories
Oh, you know he has them. A second gunman? Was Lyndon B. Johnson involved? What about Jack Ruby’s mob ties? Lee Harvey-Oswald wasn’t a Russian spy, right? I have to think that Leach has dug into this in a way that I have as someone who has watched documentaries, read books and done reports on this. What about all of those mysterious, unnatural deaths that followed in the aftermath of the Kennedy assassination? What are his thoughts on the magic bullet theory?
And why don’t we have JFK’s brain?!
OK, Leach might not get as heated as I just did. But this has potential to be a 4-hour conversation that I’d be on the edge of my seat for.
3. Ranking types of french fries
I think that we as Americans need to chill on the whole “is a hot dog a sandwich” debate. It’s not, and Leach already said it’s not. We need Leach to weigh in on the next great food debate — what is the best french fry? Waffle fries have to be considered, as do crinkle cut, and nobody in the history of time has ever been upset when that random curly fry sneaks into the regular fries. Wedges are the black licorice of fries — you either love them or you hate them.
I have to think that with all the time Leach spent working late hours and probably eating far too many quick meals as a coach, he’s come across his fair share of french fries. His take on this could truly spark a much more meaningful food debate than the one about hot dogs.
4. The Bay of Pigs Invasion
I could’ve easily just made this list all about history. We know that Leach, who taught “Leadership Lessons in Insurgent Warfare and Football Strategies” as a summer course at Washington State, is passionate about the subject. What a perfect topic of discussion the infamous “Bay of Pigs” would be. The rare naivety of the U.S. government in that time resulted in the loss of American lives, and it made us look inept from a military standpoint, which I know Leach would have takes on. This subject might hit pretty close to home for Leach, who has a place in Key West, AKA Cuba’s not-so-distant neighbor.
And if this launched into Leach’s takes about Fidel Castro and/or pigs, I wouldn’t hate that, either.
5. That Peloton commercial
Leach is a big bike guy. That much we know. He actually didn’t have a car when he was living in Florida during that time between Texas Tech and Washington State. He and his wife rode their bikes everywhere (you should really read “The System” if you want to learn more about Leach). I think Leach has some thoughts about the infamous Peloton commercial and how that woman found her purpose on a stationary exercise bike.
I think Leach would spend more time talking about listening to instructions from other people on a stationary bike than breaking down the gender roles and why people were so offended by the commercial. Who knows? Maybe Leach would weigh in on vlogging in general and if it’s a product of a self-interested world.
6. Outlet malls or nah?
Leach doesn’t come off as a guy who likes spending an hour on his offseason Saturday mornings looking for a parking spot and walking 25 minutes to go from Eddie Bauer to Tommy Bahama. Or maybe he is? For all I know, Leach has a strategy of how to make outlet mall trips as efficient as possible. If so, he needs to share it with the world.
7. Why he’s on Twitter but not Instagram
Leach is fire on Twitter. He didn’t really get rolling on Twitter until a couple of years ago, but he’s made up for lost time. He tweets out links of stories about the loch ness monster, and he drops viral GIFs like the one he had after MSU announced the hire. It’s all over the place, just like his press conferences. But it feels like Leach could have a presence on Instagram if he wanted. No, I’m not just talking about why he’d want a place to post family photos or pictures that clearly, someone else running his account posted. Why couldn’t Leach be a big selfie video guy for quick, 50-second takes on whatever is on his mind throughout the day?
You know what? I’m being too pushy. I should let Leach explain why he isn’t doing it #ForTheGram just yet.
Um, eggs are about to become a huge part of his life. How does he incorporate them in his daily life? What’s his favorite way to eat them?
Actually, this is probably how it would go with Leach talking about eggs:
— Wes Blankenship (@Wes_nship) January 9, 2020
9. Tipping when picking up takeout … or just tipping in general
Do you do it every time? Are you a jerk if you don’t? I feel like Leach should be the voice of reason on this subject. It’s so awkward now that they have the touch screen where a 15% tip looks like the default. Am I a bad human if I don’t tip someone for putting up-charged food in to-go containers? Or am I not acknowledging why that can be difficult at times? I. Need. Answers.
The pivot points off this subject would be all over the place for Leach. It could launch into a discussion about takeout in general, and what foods should never be eaten as such. Perhaps he’d even share the takeout alias that he uses if he picks up food. That fake mustache of his would come in handy.
10. The 2020 election
Just kidding. I already know Leach would totally write in Ralph Nader.