Danny Sheridan roasts 3 SEC programs in annual ‘Bittersweet 16’
By Andrew Olson
Published:
If you watch “The Paul Finebaum Show” or pay attention to college football point spreads, you’re familiar with Danny Sheridan.
And if you’ve heard or read Sheridan, you’re well aware that the expert handicapper can zing and roast with the best of them, like his long-time pal Steve Spurrier.
Sheridan recently shared his “Bittersweet 16” his annual ranking of the 16 worst Power 5 teams in college football heading into the season. Vanderbilt, Arkansas and Ole Miss make the list (South Carolina and Tennessee get dishonorable mentions, but no roasts), and Sheridan does not hold back one bit. These roasts are sure to have the teams’ fans shaking their heads (or getting ready to send Sheridan some angry tweets) while rival fans will be in stitches.
The full Bittersweet 16 (here) is a fun read for every college football fan. You’ll probably learn a thing or three about some of the non-SEC teams in for a rough 2019.
Here’s what he had to say about the three SEC teams:
No. 14 Vanderbilt:
Like a fraternity brother on all-you-can-drink night, the Commodores made it to a bowl, but it didn’t really matter, as they lost to a mediocre Baylor team in the Texas Bowl. The Vanderbilt student body has become so accustomed to losing that they’ve made up a favorite cheer, “It’s alright! It’s OK! You’re gonna work for us someday!” In fact, the “Harvard of the South” as they like to call themselves when no one is around to laugh out loud, has played such dreadful football for the last decade that head coach Derek Mason received a contract extension this past offseason, thanks to a sterling 24-38 record.
Mason will have to show forward progress without four-year starting quarterback Kyle Shurmur. Ball State transfer Riley Neal may step in to lead the offense. He’ll have some solid skill players to work with, including running back Ke’Shawn Vaughn, who had 1,244 rushing yards and 12 touchdowns. Wide receiver Kalija Lipscomb also pulled down 87 catches.
Unfortunately, the defense is about as reliable as airplane WiFi. We may not be scholars like them Vanderbilt students, but we do understand the equation of allowing 6.1 yards per play = your defense sucks. Six of the team’s eight top defenders have moved on, presumably to go work for people who actually went to Harvard. In the meantime, expect the Commodores to stay chummy in the shark-infested waters of the SEC.
No. 13 Arkansas:
Even meat eaters were disturbed by the Razorbacks frequent trips to the slaughterhouse last season – the first 10-loss season in school history. Head coach Chad Morris enters his second year of rebuilding after taking SMU through a reclamation project that would make HGTV proud.
Morris brings in two transfer quarterbacks that he desperately needs to jumpstart an offense that finished 113th in scoring last year. Ben Hicks played for Morris at SMU, while Nick Starkel arrives from Texas A&M. They’ll need to hurry up, literally, as they won’t have much time to throw with three offensive line starters gone. The defense is more of a mystery as the Razorbacks finished 13th in the SEC in scoring defense, giving up 34.8 points per game.
Until Morris gets a few recruiting classes under his belt, the Razorbacks will need the luck of finding a roommate with a Netflix account to see major improvement this season.
No. 11 Ole Miss:
Now entering his third season as head coach, Matt Luke still has a big Ole Mess to clean up. The school was banned from bowl games for the last two seasons and had a number of scholarship reductions after an NCAA investigation turned up everything from fixed test scores to improper benefits for football players. Luke imports Rich Rodriguez (most recently fired as head coach of Arizona) and Mike MacIntyre (most recently fired as head coach of Colorado) to be the offensive and defensive coordinators respectively.
Rodriguez will bring his run-based spread option to town, but he better hope that his quarterbacks can read. All four scholarship QBs are freshman, led by redshirt Matt “OK” Corral. The loss of the team’s three top offensive receivers and three offensive line starters makes for a squad that’s about as experienced as that recent college intern who just got hired to be Vice President of Content for your company.
On defense, no one has surrendered so much ground so fast since the British left town a few centuries ago. With 483.4 yards per game, opposing offenses get so much television time, they may need to get paid union scale. Combine that with a brutal SEC schedule, and the only Rebel Yell you’ll hear this season is from alumni screaming at their televisions about how far the program has fallen.
Sheridan can be heard at the Fightin’ Gator Touchdown Club in Gainesville, Florida on Sept. 26 (originally scheduled for Aug. 22).
Andrew writes about sports to fund his love of live music and collection of concert posters. He strongly endorses the Hall of Fame campaigns of Fred Taylor and Andruw Jones.
