Happy Festivus, SEC! We’ve got a lot of problems with you people …
By Chris Wright
Published:
“And at the Festivus dinner, you gather your family around and tell them all the ways they have disappointed you over the past year!”
No, that wasn’t Nick Saban speaking to pundits who tried to sprinkle rat poison around his program.
Those were the immortal words of fictional father Frank Costanza.
And as we come together to celebrate Festivus each Dec. 23, we happily (and jokingly, of course) share our many grievances about things in and around the SEC.
Alabama
Could you enjoy anything, just a smidgen, Nick? Maybe celebrate a touchdown every once in a while? Is he related to the Costanzas? Does he still think he’s in East Lansing, coaching an average Big Ten program? I don’t have any problems with Nick, but I have problems with Nick not enjoying being Nick. I often wonder whether it’s just a big ol’ act.
Arkansas
You saved yourself, Woo Pig officials, by hiring Chad Morris, but to get him, you had to get rid of one of our favorite coaches, one of everybody’s favorite coaches. I got a lot of problems with that. Seriously, who would have more fun, laugh more hysterically at the preposterous premise of Festivus than Bret Bielema? I miss him already.
Auburn
Seventeen consecutive running plays on first down! Seventeen!
Big Ten
Festivus came early for you guys. The Playoff selection committee already filed its many grievances with your weak resume. Schedule better, beat somebody and stay warm watching the SEC do its thing.
Florida
Apparently I wasn’t the only one who had problems with Jim McElwain …
Georgia
Festivus is hardly the time for bottom-of-the-heart apologies, but I’m changing the script for the Dawgs. I had big problems with AD Greg McGarity firing Mark Richt. Big problems. Frank Costanza-size problems. But you know what? Georgia is better, which makes McGarity right, and me wrong. (I still have my eye on Kirby Smart the coach, though, because some of those late-game decisions still drive me crazy.)
(P.S. Festivus ends with the Feats of Strength. Nick vs. Kirby for the national title, anyone? “Stop crying and fight your father!”)
Kentucky
It wouldn’t surprise me if Festivus started in 1978, the first year Kentucky began its drought of not having a winning season in the SEC. Good grief, Cats. Y’all have come close before, but this season’s 4-4 heartbreak was made for a Seinfeld script. Ten guys on the field, twice, to lose to Florida? Blowing a 10-point second-half lead and losing in the final seconds at home against Ole Miss? Who’s the defensive coordinator, George Costanza? The only thing missing from those two blown opportunities were some cotton jerseys.
LSU
Troy? Seriously?
Mississippi State
I didn’t have a problem with Dan Mullen leaving Starkville, but he won’t be invited back for dinner.
Thank you coach Mullen for building this program into what it is today. But a program is bigger than 1 person! We pride ourselves on our ability to always give relentless effort and I am very excited to be able to lead this team to a new level next season! #HaiIState
— Nick Fitzgerald (@nickfitz07) November 26, 2017
#stateteam18 Y’all didn’t commit to a coach.. you committed to a program, to a family! Coaches didn’t make those throws, catches, tackles, etc.. The real Miss State team is still here in stark and we about to do something special! Come be a real part of it!
— Nick Fitzgerald (@nickfitz07) November 28, 2017
Missouri
Can you have a problem with something that hasn’t happened? At any rate, when Drew Lock decides to leave early and enter the NFL Draft, I’m going to have a problem with anybody who has a problem with his decision. It’s the right choice. He’s ready. More important, the NFL seems ready to pay him.
NCAA
I have a huge problem that you haven’t acted on this tweet.
If I ran NCAA, players would have 1 free transfer (anywhere) and coaches who violate rules would be fired w/out buyout instead of teams getting these silly bowl bans that punish the wrong people. Oh, and we’d have 8-team Playoff. 3 easy fixes.
— Chris Wright (@CWrightSDS) December 2, 2017
Ole Miss
I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself … whoops, wrong movie. Everybody has a problem with Hugh Freeze. But my problem started specifically with his nothing-to-see-here Media Day filibuster, which somehow seems sadder after all that’s been revealed than it did that day.
South Carolina
As for you, Kurt Roper …
Muschamp to media: “Kurt Roper is still my OC.”
Muschamp to Roper: pic.twitter.com/zkL4Jpj27q— Tristan Dixon (@TristanDixon17) December 8, 2017
Tennessee
How much time do you have? Drop your complaints in the official receptacle of Vols Festivus grievances …
#Vols finally fire Butch Jones. No word yet on the trash can… #SEC pic.twitter.com/mEyU0GqNs5
— Pluvlaw (@Pluvlaw) November 12, 2017
Texas A&M
I don’t have a problem with Kevin Sumlin. He’s a good coach and a good man. I have a huge problem with the idiots who came after him for non-football reasons. Every fan base has a lunatic fringe, but some of the Aggies’ crossed the line.
Vanderbilt
My biggest problem with Vanderbilt is that the SEC didn’t decide to move Media Days to Nashville — permanently. That’s just The Man’s way of keeping me away from Hattie B’s, and I don’t like it.
Managing Editor
A 30-time APSE award-winning editor with previous stints at the Miami Herald, The Indianapolis Star and News & Observer, Executive Editor Chris Wright oversees editorial operations for Saturday Down South.
