As Eddie Cochran sang so many years ago, there ain’t no cure for the summertime blues. If there is, it’s probably looking forward to SEC football 2019. Here are a few of the headlines I’m looking for this offseason … granted, most of these are even more ridiculous than my game week bold predictions. These aren’t even bold predictions of headlines … these are the headlines we deserve (even if we probably don’t get them)

Bama adds new offensive analyst Spurrier, who promises to hang 70 on Tennessee

Hey, he’s not doing anything else, and Saban’s coaching reclamation tree could use a little more bling. Of course, this never happens. Have two egos this big ever co-existed? But we can all dream … How many points per game would Tua put up with unofficial QB coach Spurrier?

Give Tagovailoa a chance — no, not THAT Tagovailoa

Again, this can’t happen … can it? Sure, Tua is a Heisman candidate, maybe even favorite. Uh, so was Jalen Hurts. Nobody can deny that the wildest thing that could happen in Tuscaloosa would be a little Cain vs. Abel action, gridiron-style.

Why can’t football be like basketball, says Ken … no, that’s Auburn, actually

C’mon, haven’t we all yearned to see Auburn harken back to the hardwood? Seriously, if you believed that Auburn basketball would ever be in better shape than Auburn football, you’re either Charles Barkley or a very brave Tigers fan. Can we be far off from Gus bringing in Bruce Pearl to fire up the troops?

LSU’s most likely to succeed — Ed Orgeron

We made the same mistake as most of the SEC. Orgeron couldn’t last. He couldn’t be clean. He couldn’t be solid, or steady or dependable. Then the LSU hoops staff apparently said, “Hold my Abita.” There’s no reason to think at this point that Orgeron won’t outlast the rest of the athletic staff at LSU … and maybe the school President as well.

“That actually was me in the shark photo,” admits McElwain

Following the recent SDS column that raised the question everybody wondered — how exactly did this become a thing — it’s time to complete the circle. Jim McElwain’s tenure at Florida was just plain odd. But there is one thing that could make it even odder …

Smart introduces “visor strike” until UGA wins title

Personal gripe here. When I saw UGA play last year, I was amused to see everybody between 9 and 90 wearing a visor in an obvious homage to Kirby Smart. Maybe Kirby can make it an even bigger thing. The entire Bulldogs fan base commits to a visor until the national title drought is over? Maybe I just want to see Tom Crean wear a visor, too?

Mississippi schools combine to form BullRebel super team

Why not? Who wouldn’t enjoy seeing State’s defense and Ole Miss’ offense? Well, most of the rest of the SEC, but the entertainment value would be superb. Can we make them leave the cowbell and the black bear out of it, though?

Shocked national media members learn Kentucky won 10 games in 2018

The preseason magazines are telling an old, old story in their predictions. They say Kentucky goes 6-6, finishes sixth in the East and plays in a bowl game in a lovely place like Shreveport. Maybe we fell into a time warp and the 2018 season didn’t actually happen. Sure, Benny Snell and Josh Allen will be on NFL fields come fall, but a Kentucky team that learned to pound the rushing game and tackle with its front seven doesn’t seem likely to fall back into the 6-6 realm, particularly with a game at A&M being replaced with a home game against Arkansas.

Pac-12 school that complains about SEC scheduling gets to play SEC schedule

I’ve jokingly suggested in the past that relegation could be a fun thing in college football. The only thing that would be more fun is that the weaker NCAA programs that complain about SEC teams scheduling an extra cupcake or two would somehow get to play 8 (or more, be careful what you ask for) games against SEC schools.

Central Florida high school attempts to claim national title

Now that the UCF phenomenon is over, we need somebody to take it a step farther. I’m waiting for some other under-exposed group — maybe a D2 school or an NAIA school or a high school — to decide that in the words of Reese Bobby, “If you ain’t first, you’re last” and demand their grudge match with an SEC power to prove their worth.