SEC Media Days are here!

Summertime in the South is basically a 3-4 month stretch that moves slower than Bret Beliema in a 5K. Classes are out, recruiting is slow, and the only “news” are offseason arrests that you pray only happen to your rival. It’s a time for barbecues, bad sunburns, and pretending to care about baseball while we wait for college football.

That’s why SEC Media Days in Hoover have become such a big deal. It’s four days of off-field festivities and crazed fandom that marks somewhat of a final countdown to kickoff, and this year’s Media Days will be no different.

However, one thing that will be different is the lack of star power at the podium. Fan favorites and soundbite all-stars like Les Miles and Steve Spurrier will be absent in Hoover, which got me thinking … who would be the best SEC Media Day invitees and interviews of all time?

If I could interview current/former coaches and players as well as a “person of interest” (i.e. alumni, celebrity, fan, etc.,) from each school, what would be the most entertaining selections? Here’s my attempt at putting together the ultimate, all-time interview list for SEC Media Days:

South Carolina

Coach: Steve Spurrier. If you’re thinking that I should’ve chosen Lou Holtz then kindly stop reading this article because we will never be friends. Holtz was a good coach, but the thought of him saying “Schouth Carolina Gamecocksch” is schomething I never want to eschperience at Sssch-E-Schee Media Daysch.

As for the HBC I would probably ask him an important question like: Which is the better bar scene, 5 Points or The Vista? And, then ask him what hits harder: Jadeveon Clowney or the bass at Williams-Brice when “Sandstorm” is playing before kickoff.

Fan: Darius Rucker. Listen let’s cut the crap Darius. I’m gonna call you Hootie, and I’m not apologizing for it until you apologize to everyone for your version of “Wagon Wheel.”

Kentucky

Coach: Hal Mumme. Mumme’s “Air Raid” offense featured a coaching staff of him, and offensive gurus Mike Leach (Washington State) and Sonny Dykes (Cal) all on the same sideline. So, how in the heck did you ever convince a RB to sign at Kentucky? The only thing used less in that state are tooth brushes and logic. I can only assume your recruiting pitch was free bourbon and tickets to the Derby? Second question, you lost your job because of illegal recruiting, yet that’s possibly the main reason John Calipari makes $8 mil a year at the same school. You mad, bro?

Player: Jared Lorenzen. First question, have you trademarked the term “fathlete” AKA fat athlete yet? Next question: 4th-and-1 and the game’s on the line: What Ben & Jerry’s flavor of ice cream are you eating after the loss?

Georgia

Coach: Mark Richt. First question, what is your favorite thing about Miami: The weather, that catchy Will Smith song from 20 years ago, or not having to deal with delusional UGA fans who wanted to fire you despite being the most consistent coach they’ve ever had?

Player: Bill Goldberg. I wanted to go with Knowshon Moreno to address the fact that my high school girlfriend cheated on me with him over a decade ago, because it’s not always about sports, guys! Sometimes it’s about closure. Jeez.

Regardless, I chose professional wrestler Bill Goldberg instead. First question, can you spear Knowshon Moreno for me? Second question, do you think you and Herschel Walker will ever not have abs?

Person: Kyle Chandler (coach from Friday Night Lights). First question, is Matt Saracen the best game managing QB in the history of football? Next, which fan base is less appreciative of head coaches who consistently win: Georgia or the Dillon Panthers?

Florida

Coach: Steve Spurrier. I don’t care if I already used him as Carolina’s coaching representative. This is my fantasy Media Days, not yours. Besides, who else would you choose? Ron Zook? Exactly.

Player: Tim Tebow. First question, how could you be so good in college and so mediocre in the NFL? Was your success strictly from being in a good system or having a future murderer at TE with Aaron Hernandez? (It’s a fair question guys!) Also, what professional sport will you underwhelm us at next?

Person: Jim McElwain’s twin/Dude that humped that shark. I really wanted to pick Aaron Hernandez just so I could ask him how he could be so great at getting open in a Cover 2, but so bad at murder. However, we’ll go with McElwain’s evil twin that dry humped Jaws earlier this Spring. First and last question, why? Just why?

Missouri

Person: Jon Hamm. Close choice between Don Draper or Brad Pitt. However, Hamm wins out because he’s hilarious, and he never made me waste $12 on Troy or Ocean’s Twelve. Mizzou’s celebrity alumni is arguably deeper than any other SEC school. It includes: Hamm, Pitt, Sheryl Crow, Tennessee Williams, Carl Edwards, Max Scherzer, and even David Koechner AKA Champ Kind from Anchorman.

Only question for the A-lister would be if we could go out on the town because he would probably be the best wingman this side of the Mississippi, which ironically enough isn’t where Mizzou is located despite being in the Eastern Division. Then, I would spend the evening pretending to enjoy martinis that he inevitably would order and trying not to make puns about “Going Hamm.”

Vanderbilt

Coach: James Franklin. Franklin was head coach at Vandy for 3 seasons, and he took them to a bowl game all 3 seasons. To put that into perspective, before Franklin, Vanderbilt had never been to a bowl game in consecutive seasons since the program started in 1890.

Franklin being at Vandy was like in teenage Rom-Coms (think She’s All That) when the popular jock would ask the nerdy girl with glasses to prom, and all of the sudden she was hot. That’s right, Franklin is basically Freddie Prinze Jr., but like a super intense Freddie Prinze Jr. that is scary AF and makes me pee a little when he yells.

Player: Jay Cutler. Cutler is a pretty polarizing individual. Outside of Steve Bartman and thin crust pizza, there are few things Chicagoans dislike more than him. However, he’s arguably Vandy’s most notable former football player.

Plus, he’s married to Kristin Cavallari, and I would suffer through a conversation with Cutler to get a double take of Cavallari. Plus, Laguna Beach was a great show.

Person: Amy Grant (because that is just SO Vandy). Yes, THAT Amy Grant. There are certainly better options, but how flipping perfect is it that Amy Grant went to Vanderbilt? She is like the epitome of forgettable soft pop stardom, and “Baby, baby” does that scream Vanderbilt. Her music was more watered down than Coors Light left on the porch in a rainstorm.

Vandy has notable alumni like Al Gore, Dierks Bentley, David Price, and Skip Bayless. However, Gore would probably just talk for hours about inventing the internet and hanging chads. Also, as a Red Sox fan I would not be able to talk to David Price without having an emotional outburst about being paid $31 million per year with a 5+ ERA. And, I would rather have Cutler throw spirals at my face with my hands tied behind my back than ever have a conversation with Skip Bayless.

So, Amy Grant it is. First question, Amy … how are things? What’s new? I assume she’d answer with something about her cats and having an uninteresting hobby like brewing her own homemade hot tea. Second question, you married Vince Gill because OF COURSE YOU would marry Vince Gill. How’s that? A lot like eating sugar free vanilla ice cream? Perfect. Lastly, is anyone still listening to your power couple collabs besides Mike Pence and my Mema’s bridge club? Go Dores!

Tennessee

Coach: Lane Kiffin. Before any UT fan gets mad at this choice let me explain to you why Kiffin is the pick here. Media Days is for entertainment. If I wanted to hear someone talk for 40 minutes about riding the coattails of Peyton Manning then I’d call Phillip Fulmer (or Eli. Or Kenny Chesney). Also, if I wanted to hear 45 minutes of motivational speaking and empty cliches I would’ve invited Butch Jones, Tony Robbins, or the team mom of an 8U co-ed soccer team.

I chose Kiffin because I want him to start some sh*t. I don’t want a “Champion of Life” with a “5-star heart.” I want an unlikable embittered offensive genius with a black heart and a belly full of booze and resentment. I would probably try to slip him some truth serum in whatever he was drinking too, so we could hear how he really feels about Nick Saban.

Player: Peyton Manning. Peyton Manning is without question one of the best players in SEC Football history. And, unlike his brother Eli, he actually has a personality. He’s the obvious choice here. I’d ask who do you hate more: Tom Brady or the people that voted for Charles Woodson over you in the ’97 Heisman race?

Person: Lil John. A lot of you probably think I should’ve gone with Kenny Chesney. However, I refuse to take anything seriously from someone with calf implants and a career of pretending his music is anything but “Jimmy Buffet songs with a country accent.” I’d choose Lil John, and then ask every question very softly just so he would have to yell, “WHAT?!” repeatedly.

Alabama

Coach: Mike Price. Boom. Mic drop. Every single Bama fan is irrationally upset about this choice because the only thing they take more seriously than their lack of hygiene and claiming fake national titles in the 1940s is being obnoxiously entitled when it comes to college football. We get it. Saban is the best. Bear is too. And, you would love nothing more than to sit in awe and mouth breathe through a 45 minute press conference from Saint Nick.

Let’s bring Mike Price up and let him spend the entire press conference recanting stories from his abbreviated tenure at Bama. Also, I’d love to hear him discuss how his biggest downfall as a coach in the SEC wasn’t the difficult schedule, ever increasing pressure to win, or even resurrecting one of the blue-blood programs in all of college football upon his 2003 hire. Nope. It was spending stacks on … ah, forget it. Roll Tide!

Player: AJ McCarron. What an absolutely unlikable winner. AJ McCarron is probably best QB to ever play at Alabama, yet opposing SEC fans respect him less than a substitute teacher. His college career was highlighted by two national titles, a 36-4 record as a starter, and marrying Brent Musburger’s biggest crush ever.

However, every one of my questions would be about his tattoos. You got a tattoo of the “skyline” of Mobile? THE SKYLINE?! That’s like the fourth biggest skyline in the state. You literally had to tell a guy to ink a “high rise” next to a Holiday Inn Express for that “skyline” on your arm.

Person: Harvey Updyke. This was tough because most Alabama fans aren’t actual alumni. Or likable. So, I chose the most famous fan I could think of besides that raspy redneck lady who’s always yelling on The Paul Finebaum show.

The obvious question for Updyke would be why he thought it was a reasonable decision to destroy the trees at Toomer’s Corner because he couldn’t handle losing the Iron Bowl. However, asking him to explain that logic would be like asking him why he thinks magic is real.

Arkansas

Coach: Bobby Petrino. Let’s get right to it … I chose him because I want to ask him how awkward it is to explain to your wife that you got caught cheating on her after you fell off a motorcycle. How scared would you be to deliver that news while you already were wearing a neck brace?

Player: Jerry Jones. Jerry Jones is mostly known for being the overbearing and lavish owner of the Dallas Cowboys. However, once upon a time, he was also a member of Arkansas’ 1964 National Championship team. First question, what was less fun for you: living in Arkansas in 1964 or living in Dallas when Tony Romo was your quarterback?

Auburn

Coach: Pat Dye. I would not ask him anything except for questions about Bo Jackson stories and his thoughts on Missouri’s division alignment versus its geographic location. That’s pretty much the only thing I’ve ever heard him talk about in the past 5 years. Also, tell us who the bag man was with Cam because it’s the biggest unexplainable mystery in the State of Alabama since that time NASA decided to put a Space Camp there. Really? Out of all the states?

Person: Charles Barkley. First thing I would do would be to get an autograph from Sir Charles on my VHS copy of Space Jam. Then I’d get down to business. And, when I say get down to business I mean I would ask him to tell me his unfiltered thoughts on Jeremy Johnson’s QB skills, Nick Saban’s height and his best gambling stories. Then, I would ask him about his golf swing. He swings his driver like Maury Povich yelled out “you ARE the father” in the middle of his downswing.

LSU

Coach: Les Miles. “The Hat” seems like the obvious choice from the Bayou Bengal coaching contingent. Watching Miles speak at a press conference was like watching a Miss America Pageant contestant discuss world peace or global politics during the awkward Q&A portion (especially if he was defending his clock management skills). I don’t know if I’d even ask him a question. I’d probably just give him a fidget spinner and a coloring book and let him entertain everyone for hours.

Player: Tyrann Mathieu, AKA “The Honey Badger.” This was actually a tough choice because LSU has so many potential nominations. Their alumni list includes: the most obnoxious WR in the game with Odell Beckham Jr, the most swagged out Punter ever in Brad Wing, and the best No. 1 overall draft pick with a thyroid condition of all time in Jamarcus Russell. However, let’s go with Tyrann Mathieu.

I would just ask him to give a dramatic reading of my favorite moment on Twitter ever when he sent out a series of motivational quotes in 2016 from…himself. With a narcissistic over-confidence like that he could probably become President one day…

Person: Shaq. This was a close call between Diesel and Troy from Swamp People because I am fascinated with that show and would have a million questions for Troy. Like, why do you only own one shirt? Why do you talk like you only pronounce the vowels in every word? And, as an LSU fan who do you hate more: alligators or Nick Saban?

However, I’m gonna go with Shaq. He is one of the most beloved and successful athletes ever. AND he’s literally the only athlete over 7 feet tall with an actual personality without the help of weed (looking at you Bill Walton). The Big Aristotle was the most dominant player in the league in his prime, he was a perennial All-Star, and he won 4 NBA titles.

Mississippi State

Coach: Joe Lee Dunn. Game changer! I went real deep cut here and a little off the beaten path. I didn’t choose a head coach for MSU because frankly they don’t have any current or former coaches I really want to talk to.

I choose Joe Lee Dunn. He was the Defensive Coordinator at MSU from 1996-2002. Not ringing a bell? He was the fat dude on the sidelines who never wore socks and looked hungover every single game. He looked like if your drunk Uncle forgot he was supposed to coach your little league game and showed up an hour late for every single game. Dunn was credited for coming up with the 3-3-5 defense, which I can only assume he came up with while he was blackout drunk at a Chili’s in Starkville.

Player: Dak Prescott. Let’s be honest, Dak Prescott is the only Mississippi State player most fans remember off the top of their head. The only other player I can remember is Pork Chop Womack. Not because he was any good but because his name was Pork Chop.

So Dak it is. My main question would be the hard-hitting concern that’s on everyone’s mind … Have you ever told a woman, “Once you go Dak you never go back?” If he said no, I would storm out of the interview and lose all faith in humanity.

Person: Stingray. For those of you unfamiliar with this human treasure, Stingray is the internet sensation and self-proclaimed No. 1 fan of Mississippi State football. His commitment and dedication to believing that Mississippi State will actually be a national title contender is more Bless-your-heart next level naivety than a five year old whose Dad told him Santa and the Easter Bunny were real right before he “went to get cigarettes” and never came back.

He’s hard to hate because of his enthusiasm. But, he’s hard to love because of his mustache and obnoxious predictions for the perennial 4th-place finishers of the West Division. My main question would be what his hobbies are in Starkville, and if there is anything to do there besides developing type-2 diabetes at the Golden Corral, going cow-tipping, or daydreaming about Mississippi State making a New Year’s Day bowl for two years in a row.

Ole Miss

Player: Laremy Tunsil. A lot of people would be unprofessional while interviewing Tunsil after his pre-draft gaffe where a picture of him wearing a gas mask bong hit the the internet. Social media went crazier than a sorority house in Oxford when “Don’t Stop Believing” comes on the jukebox.

Texas A&M

Coach: Bear Bryant. There is a lot I would want to ask the man who is one of the greatest football coaches in the history of the game. Success tips, advice, favorite memories from six national titles and 323 wins, and what was more difficult: wrestling a bear for $5 or playing on the 4th quarter against Tennessee with a broken leg in 1930. However, my biggest focal points for The Bear would be:

First, why he thought heat strokes and dehydration in Junction, Texas, made people stronger (because Gatorade has literally been thriving with a totally different business model and concept).

Next, would you please explain to every Alabama fan in the world that you never wore a houndstooth hat. It was checkered, and it’s weird that Alabamans are last in education and obesity rankings, but first when it comes to fall fashion trends.

Person: Rip Torn. For anyone unfamiliar with this Hollywood celeb, I’ll skip his IMDB page credentials and describe him as the drunk coach in the wheelchair named Patches O’Houlihan from the movie Dodgeball.

First question, will Kevin Sumlin be managing at Average Joe’s Gymnasium next fall? Follow up question, how many times have you wanted to throw a wrench at Sumlin during the month of October and November when he starts his annual losing skid?