A Christmas gift for every SEC team
The SEC has given me so much. I mean, think about it.
For 13 fall Saturdays, I never have to think about what I’m doing for roughly 14-15 hours. The SEC takes care of that. Wall-to-wall entertainment, quality football and drama galore? Please and thank you.
The least I could do is give back. I’d like to give every team in the conference a Christmas present.
Spending limit? Nah. This is the SEC.
It just means more spending on gifts (for some):
Alabama — That yummy rat poison
Duh. Do I even need to explain this one? Nope? OK, moving along.
Arkansas — Beach towels
Arkansas is playing in its first Florida bowl game in 15 years. I’m gonna assume that Sam Pittman and Co. aren’t exactly loaded with proper beachwear. But given the start he’s off to, it might not be a bad idea to load up on that with all the future Florida bowl games they’ll be playing in.
Auburn — A service dog
What are service dogs good for? Making you feel better. Even when you come home from a brutal day/November at work, that service dog will be waiting with a smile, tail wagging without a care in the world. Service dogs can also travel, meaning when Auburn disappoints away from Jordan-Hare, it can provide immediate comfort. Oh, and I’ve got the perfect dog for the job.
— Connor O’Gara (@cjogara) July 19, 2018
Florida — A 5-year plan
Well, when you have 3 consecutive coaches fail to make it past Year 4, I assume it’s because there’s not a 5-year plan in place. Billy Napier might already have a 5-year plan, but just in case his blows up like his predecessors did, he should save mine as a backup.
Georgia — A magic 8-ball
Because if Kirby Smart is about to torpedo his team’s once clear path to a national title, well, he and everyone else deserves to know that now instead of watching it play out for the world to see.
Kentucky — A Mark Stoops statue
My guy Nick Roush at Kentucky Sports Radio made the suggestion, and he’s right. Besides, Stoops has everything he could ever want with that new contract. A statue would be more confirmation that he is going to be a Kentucky lifer.
LSU — Rosetta Stone for Southerners
Brian Kelly’s accent needs about as much work as a LSU’s once-vaunted secondary.
Mizzou — An offensive coordinator
I’m offering Mizzou a 7-figure gift. I’ll break the bank for Eli Drinkwitz because 2 years in, it’s clear that he needs a true offensive coordinator on his staff. He failed to have a top-60 offense in his first 2 years. Perhaps scoring 22 points against Army in the Armed Forces Bowl will be the last straw and Drinkwitz will add that position to his staff in Year 3. He has to. This gift is non-refundable.
MSU — Crates of Pepto-Bismol
Upset stomach? Heartburn? Nausea? Welcome to the 2021 MSU football experience with Mike Leach. Even the wins were stomach-churning. Rally against Louisiana Tech and Auburn? Give me all the Pepto-Bismol. Get robbed in heartbreakers to Memphis and Arkansas? Hit me again. Shoot, drop 3 touchdown passes and lose to Ole Miss in the Egg Bowl? OK, you get it.
Ole Miss — Ray-Bans
That’s what you get someone who has a future so bright, right? Quality sunglasses, obviously.
South Carolina — 97 more 5-stars
With Spencer Rattler on the team, South Carolina could go into the 2022 season with a total of 3 former 5-star recruits (that’s if Zacch Pickens returns for Year 4). That means Shane Beamer only needs 97 more 5-star players to get to the level he said Georgia was at with its 100 5-stars. Granted, Beamer said that UGA had 100 5-stars on defense. I don’t think he’ll hate it if I give him a mixed group of 97 5-stars.
Tennessee — An Arch Manning commitment video
All I promised is a commitment video here. In the NIL era, that means me shelling out millions to the Manning family just so that Tennessee fans can get the thrill of Arch saying he’s coming to Knoxville. Now does that guarantee he signs on the dotted line with the Vols? No, but this is the same fan base that lost its collective mind over 12-second videos of Harrison Bailey throwing against air. An Arch Manning commitment video would melt the Volunteer State.
Texas A&M — A flash drive with all the photos from Oct. 9 in College Station
You know how married couples will occasionally bust out their wedding photo album and reminisce? I’m guessing that’ll be A&M looking back on that magical takedown of Alabama. It finally happened. And sure, the Aggies deserve to cherish that memory forever. Never mind the fact that 4 non-Alabama SEC West teams took down the Aggies and a generational defense was wasted. Photos live forever!
(On second thought, scrap the wedding photo comp. Let’s instead go with when they find the camera at the end of “The Hangover.”)
Vanderbilt — PlayStation 5
If anyone deserves the best, most entertaining way to escape reality, it’s Vandy. You would too if you had to go 2 years without an SEC win.