I hate to beat a dead horse, but Florida man stories will never get old.

Last week, as you’ll recall, we told the story of how a Florida fan proceeded to burn a Gator flag on the car of a Miami fan. It was equal parts bizarre and somewhat expected for Florida man.

The same is true of the latest Florida man story.

As we found out earlier in the week via the Gainesville Sun, 26-year-old Florida man Parker Lee Prince was apprehended by police after authorities discovered him at 2:30 a.m. Sunday at a gas station roughly 3 miles from The Swamp, where he had the Gators’ injury cart parked. According to police, the $10,000 cart had approximately $1,000 worth of damage to it after Prince’s four-hour joy ride came to an end. He was arrested for criminal mischief and grand theft with property damage.

How did Prince obtain said vehicle? He told police that he found the cart outside The Swamp with the keys in it.

Man. Where do I start?

Let’s start with the likelihood that whoever left the keys in the injury cart is in some deep you-know-what. Someone in the Florida athletic department saw this story and thought, “Well, time to update the old resume.” We all make mistakes, and hopefully whoever made that one wasn’t out of a job because of it.

The biggest mistake was obviously still Prince’s joy ride. I wonder what that thought process was like when he saw the injury cart sitting there. Maybe he thought, “You know what would be a fun way to spend my night? Riding this thing around Gainesville.” Who knows? Maybe this was on Prince’s bucket list.

I don’t want to assume things, but racking up $1,000 worth of damage to an injury cart suggests that Prince’s decision wasn’t a sober one. And if it was, he’s apparently not the best driver.

Oh, that’s another thing. Let’s not ignore the fact that there was an estimated $1,000 worth of damage to the $10,000 injury cart. Did you think that injury carts ran for that much? I mean, that’s more than a gently-used Toyota Camry runs for. I get that it’s an all-terrain vehicle, but I can’t imagine those things have the capabilities of an actual car. Or maybe they do.

Perhaps I should ask Prince.

Texas A&M fan hammers home his point

A lot of tailgates provide great stories of #ItMightMeanTooMuch. Fights among opposing fans are nothing new. Sadly.

But the story that came out of College Station on Saturday was a new one.

According to KXXV, 57-year-old Houston resident Robert Patterson was arrested after he hit a 21-year-old with a hammer … all because of a tailgate spot dispute:

Police said the argument began when 57-year-old Robert Patterson removed the 21-year-old’s stakes from the ground that outlined the area claimed for tailgating at the football game the following day.

When police arrived at the tailgating spot near the Texas A&M University Student Rec Center, the victim had a visible red spot on his arm from the hammer.

Okay, so this wasn’t some Tonya Harding-Nancy Kerrigan plotted attack or something like that. From the sound of it, this was a move made out of anger and a “I’m going to attack you with whatever I have available” tactic.

Patterson (the one who did the hammering) had the ultimate “get off my lawn” moment and mugshot:

Look, I get that people are territorial. We don’t know what exactly the 21-year-old did to encroach on Patterson’s spot, but the fact that this was a dispute involving people from different generations isn’t the best look.

Tailgates are supposed to be a place of sharing food, drinks and a love of football. The best tailgates are neighborly, inviting and just fun to be at. Even if Patterson didn’t decide to, you know, hammer a kid, it doesn’t sound like he woke up on the right side of the bed on Saturday morning.

Maybe his Saturday ended better because of a comeback A&M victory against Ole Miss? I don’t know.

I know that at least one A&M fan who didn’t make it into Kyle Field enjoyed themselves on Saturday. Why? Because they made Kyle Field out of cake for their wedding. Or rather, cake balls*.

This is awesome:

The best part is that the cake even had a little love for Florida in the Kyle Field replica to show both of the happy couple’s fandom.

Is that an exact replica of Kyle Field with the words “The Swamp” on it? Well, no.

But THAT’S the type of compromise we need in this world.