To whom it may concern,

A week ago it came to my attention that some of my colleagues were a part of an anonymous poll on CBS where they were asked to evaluate coaches around college football. In that poll it seems that a judgmental jury of my pettiest of peers called me “the second most overrated coach in the country.” I was right behind that milk drinking weirdo at Michigan in the pleated pants and just ahead of Lane Kiffin, whose career was rehabilitated by me like a rescue dog at a local shelter.

Honestly, I shouldn’t even give this the time of day. I should’ve let the Coke bottle give you a butt-chewing worse than I give one of my game-managing quarterbacks after calling an audible to a pass instead of running the damn ball.

However, I’ve had a few bottles of wine with Mrs. Terry and am a little fired up, so I decided maybe I’d do some not so anonymous evaluating of my own, a’ight?

Let me start by saying that I have the utmost respect for every coach of any sport at any level. Even Lane Kiffin. I have respect for all of them. It could be Bobby Bowden, or hell, it could be that nerdy Rick Moranis guy coaching them kids in that movie The Little Giants. Doesn’t matter, a’ight? They are coaches who take on a very demanding job and I respect that.

However, here’s a short list of other things that I respect as well: the process, winning, oatmeal cream pies (they’re delicious), and people that are man enough to make comments to your face instead of behind an offseason anonymous poll on the internet machine.

It’s not important who said what, a’igh’t? Honestly, I’m assuming it was probably a poll made up of drunk Auburn fans, a hungover Steve Sarkisian, and a handful of jaded ex-girlfriends I kicked to the curb like a 3-star recruit I over recruited and promised to “Gray Shirt.”

It doesn’t matter who said what because let’s face it … I’m probably gonna get revenge on these mystery men with a 40-point drubbing of their team this season. Just like last season. And the season before that. And the season before that.

I don’t understand where all this disdain and jealousy comes from with other coaches. I mean I’m 5-6. I’m the one who’s supposed to have the Napoleon Complex. I get that I didn’t have a lot of success in the NFL, a’igh’t? But, to be fair I was in the same division as Tom Brady, and I wasn’t allowed to recruit or choose my robots, I mean players, to buy in to The Process. Plus, it’s not like that franchise has had a lot of success before or after me anyways. The only time they even made The Super Bowl was with Don Shula and in that first Ace Ventura movie.

When you think about it, Miami’s only REAL successes have been cocaine and that Will Smith song from the late 1990s.

So, I think I know what the real problem is here …

Y’all don’t like me for two reasons: my hair and my titles. And I get it. It’s not fair that I not only have beautiful luscious hair and a beautiful collection of championship rings. I’m sorry that I was blessed with the mane of a stallion and a hairline that recedes less than Bama’s defense against the run. And, I’m sorry that I’ve won so many national titles that I’m running out of fingers to put the rings on.

But, please tell me when winning became overrated? I have dominated college football like it’s a video game set on JV. I’ve won 4 titles in the past 8 years. Is 4 rings in 8 years overrated? What about when I won 3 in a 4 year span from 2009-2012? That’s right, I won more national titles in a Olympiad than literally every other SEC school has won in its history.

“Well he only wins because of the resources he has.”

Resources? Have you been to Alabama?! The biggest resources in this state are boredom, anger, and school pride (mostly by people who didn’t even go to that school). The only thing they talk about in this state is college football and Jesus. This state is so fanatical and crazy about football that they actually gave Paul Finebaum a career and a TV show! And, that is not a face for TV! Besides those Sarah McLachlan PETA commercials, and that show on A&E My 600-pound Life, there are few things less appealing on a television screen than Paul Finebaum’s face. He literally looks like a No. 2 pencil for God’s sakes!

There isn’t a more high-pressure or stress-filled job in the world than being head coach at Alabama. And, that includes being The President or a rodeo clown. That’s right. You think that is easy running away from a 2-ton monster while getting no recognition and being forced to wear makeup?! Exactly.

Anyways, back to me and how overrated I am. Do you remember what Alabama was before I got here? They were a below average team with more NCAA probation appearances than bowl appearances. The glory days of Bear and his national titles were gone and replaced with stomach-churning, nausea-inducing things like Mike Price and Independence Bowl trophies.

Like a former homecoming queen named Trish who lost her looks — the glory days were gone no matter how much they refused to admit it. Alabama was nothing more than a leathery skinned Denny’s waitress that reeked of Virginia Slims and White Rain hairspray yet refused to take her crown off during the Friday night dinner shift.

In the decade that I’ve been here I’ve gone 114-19. And of the 19 losses — 3 were to Heisman trophy winners, 4 were to teams that won the national title, 1 was to the *#@%-ing Kick Six, and 6 were in the first year before I started stockpiling 5 star recruits like a hoarder on a shopping spree at Costco. Which brings me to my next point ….

“We’re going to have a war. You’re going to have a howitzer, and I have a musket, and then every time we’ll say that you’re brilliant.”

I can only assume this whining came from one of the countless coaches that I have out-recruited and out-worked year in and year out. First off, don’t make excuses about losing, a’ight? This isn’t France.

Is 4 rings in 8 years overrated? What about when I won 3 in a 4 year span from 2009-2012? That’s right, I won more national titles in a Olympiad than literally every other SEC school has won in its history.

Second off, let’s be clear. I don’t need a howitzer because I could kill you with my bare hands or a cold stare.

Third off, I could probably kill you with something as outdated and inefficient as the musket just like I could win 10 games a year without attempting a forward pass. I’m just that freaking good. This comment was obviously made by a coach who lost out on any of the 35 5-star recruits I’ve landed during my 7 consecutive years of No. 1 ranked recruiting classes in the country. Do better, a’ight?

You wouldn’t bring a knife to a gun fight would you? Then why would you bring a bunch of former 3-stars to Bryant-Denny Stadium on a fall Saturday against my battalion full of future NFL draft busts and think you can win? Also, what kind of logic is this ….

Nick Saban is overrated because he only wins because he has the best players and best resources. Even though they are players that I evaluated, recruited and then developed under my coaching for 3-4 years? That’s like saying Ruth’s Chris is only a better restaurant than Arby’s because they have more expensive and higher grade beef. Well yeah. They have higher standards, and they work hard at what they do to keep that reputation. Otherwise you end up being an unemployed coach living in some place like Starkville on a diet full of regret, resentment and roast beef sandwiches.

And how dare you say that I’m only successful because the program helped me more than I’ve helped the program. Michigan State, LSU, Alabama, multiple unemployed alcoholic offensive coordinators ….

I’ve saved more lost causes than a Baptist Revival and a Scared Straight program combined.

And don’t get me started on LSU and Michigan State. I took Michigan State from BIG 10 bottom dwelling to the Rose Bowl, a’ight? Do you have any idea how difficult that is? Big Ten football is more boring than a PBS marathon of Antiques Roadshow.

You think it’s so easy then why don’t you wake up for an 11 o’clock kick in 30 degree weather for a road game at Purdue where the “best” player is a white wide receiver with three Z’s in his last name. And, can you imagine having to live and work in a place where it snows for five straight months and everyone there loves Kid Rock, Ford, and showing you their hometown on their palm because the state looks like a hand?!

And Baton Rouge?! Before me, Louisiana had nothing to brag about besides open container laws and cajun cuisine. LSU was basically the UGA of the SEC West. They were a 7-4 team every year that celebrated mediocrity worse than a Soccer Mom with a “Proud Parent of a C Student” bumper sticker on her Subaru Outback. I took that team from irrelevance to a national championship in only 4 years! I brought more life to The Bayou than a busty co-ed looking for Hurricanes and beads at a Spring Break on Bourbon Street during Mardi Gras.

And, to heck with it. I’m 3 bottles of Pinot deep, so I’ll tell you exactly how I feel about your little anonymous poll.

Since I got to Tuscaloosa the only thing that’s been consistently ranked higher in the Southeast than Alabama football are illiteracy and childhood obesity rates. And, strap in Snowflake, because it’s not gonna stop anytime soon. So, enjoy your anonymous polls, excuses, “Champions of Life” titles, and your acceptance of mediocrity.

I have to be up early. I have more winning to do, a’ight?

Roll Tide,

Nick Saban

***In case it wasn’t obvious, this was not really written by Nick Saban.