Merry Christmas, SEC fans.

We made it to the point in the year where you’re finally over your team’s shortcomings and you’ve totally turned the page to nothing but cheer this holiday season … right?

Of course not. That’s not how this works. You’re still frustrated that your team did a myriad of things to cost itself a shot at playing for a national championship.

The gifts that I’m offering up today won’t necessarily make that happen next season, but they will provide entertainment in some sort of way. You’re welcome.

Here are my gifts for each SEC team to close 2023:

Alabama — A Twitter/X subscription

These days, it might be hard for Alabama to find a whole lot of negative things that are being said about the program. The “yummy rat poison,” if you will. On Twitter/X, negativity is never lacking. For all I know, a subscription comes with a blue check and the ability to edit others’ tweets. The Tide could do some damage with that.

Arkansas — A Harley Davidson

Do I need to explain this one? No? Google “Bobby Petrino” if you’re lost. A new Harley has been needed for a decade.

Auburn — The complete collection of “Breaking Bad”

I don’t know. The last time Auburn looked at something New Mexico-based, it spent an entire afternoon in awe. Mind you, that was only for the New Mexico State football team. Something tells me I wouldn’t be able to pry the Tigers away from the couch if I got them “Breaking Bad.”

Florida — A golf simulator

As a Sunshine State resident, I know that golfing outdoors this time of year is extremely nice. But the golf simulator is great for a team that has a lot of time on its hands at this point in the calendar because it lost 5 in a row to miss out on a bowl game. It’s the ultimate addition to a man cave, especially if one is trying to avoid watching others play in the postseason.

Georgia — New Year’s Eve plans

Simple, yes, but when you’ve been busy playing in Playoff games on New Year’s Eve each of the past 2 years, you have probably more urgency than ever to celebrate the most overrated holiday on the calendar. A warning to Georgia — no New Year’s Eve party will be .01% as fun as watching an opposing kick come nowhere near the goalposts to clinch a spot in the College Football Playoff National Championship.

Kentucky — A pony

Wait. Was this not what Mark Stoops was asking for when he told fans that they should “pony up” for better players? Well, I’m not sure what the return policy is on a pony, but I did my best.

LSU — A chalkboard

Not a white board. A chalk board. All I want to see is LSU take a page out of Bart Simpson’s playbook and write this sentence until it gets hand cramps.

“I will not play Harold Perkins as an off-ball linebacker. I will not play Harold Perkins as an off-ball linebacker. I will not … ”

Mississippi State — A vacant bowl swag bag

When your December has consisted of nothing but bowl games for each of the last 13 seasons, you probably forgot what it was like to not have that all-important bowl swag bag. And hey, with all the opt-outs/transfer portal losses, Mississippi State has every right to just scoop up one of those swag bags that nobody wants. It’s just not December without that Bass Pro Shops gift card.

Mizzou — A step stool

I’m still not entirely sure how one “stands on business,” so I figured that standing on something that’s meant for that type of thing would make much more sense for Mizzou. I’m sure Eli Drinkwitz will still find some way to use it to troll Tennessee or Arkansas, and that definitely won’t backfire on him with someone using the step stool to make fun of his height.

Ole Miss — Dippin’ Dots machine for the sidelines

Hey, it’s (still) the ice cream of the future. Nobody has ever had a bad time with ice cream and there’s no better vibe than Ole Miss. Dippin’ Dots would get the juices flowing (pun intended) even more than a fire extinguisher or a 9-foot hoop with some soft rims.

South Carolina — 100 soccer balls

Two reasons. One is that Shane Beamer didn’t have anything to kick after that Florida loss, so he had to settle for a Gatorade cooler. A soccer ball would’ve taken care of that. And based on the limited depth that we saw from the Gamecocks throughout 2023, maybe another sport would make sense for some of those players.

Tennessee — A sit down with Gene Steratore that’s live-streamed on YouTube

Steratore was the rules analyst for CBS who got paid to blindly defend SEC officiating at every turn. Whether it was missed facemask calls that 100,000 fans saw or targeting calls that weren’t, nobody defended SEC refs quite like Steratore. Alternatively, nobody criticized SEC officiating quite like Heupel in 2023. You know the episode of The Office where Michael is forced to sit in therapy sessions with Toby? This would be that, but with even more hate spewed.

Texas A&M — A used couch

I know what A&M agreed to pay Jimbo Fisher. But it’s not cutting that check in 1 lump sum. In other words, there could still be times in which A&M is searching for those funds, and there’s no better place to start than a used couch.

Vanderbilt — Manta Sound Sleep Mask

Now this is what I’m talking about. It has bluetooth headphones, 20-hour battery life and 100% true blackout without any eye pressure. Tell me that it isn’t an ideal way to consume Vandy football.