Humor me for a moment, won’t you? Let’s imagine all 14 SEC mascots were entered in a cage match. No rules, one winner.

I understand this sounds like some sort of drug-induced vision or dream-turned-nightmare, but seriously put some thought into who you think would win. I’d like to take this wacky hypothetical way too seriously, and you should to.

As I said, there are no rules. However, to clarify the participants, these are each team’s actual mascot. If your school has a kid in a giant suit, then that kid would fight this fight in that giant suit. If your school’s mascot is a live animal, that live animal is the entrant.

With that in mind, let’s take a look at the contenders:


Members: Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi State, Ole Miss

Breakdown: If you’ve ever seen Georgia’s mascot “Uga,” a real English bulldog, then you already know how lethargic he is and can imagine how hopeless he would be in this fight. Is Uga’s legacy historically significant? Of course. But could Uga actually win in a cage match? No.

The same can be said for Mississippi State’s mascot, Bully, who is also a live English bulldog.

Kentucky’s Wildcat shouldn’t be this hopeless, but if you saw him trying to execute one-handed pushups during an early season victory you realize he, too, is hopeless.

The Ole Miss Black Bear is not exactly a fan favorite among the student body, so it’s safe to say the bear’s performance in a cage match would be less than inspired. With no support and no familiarity with the SEC, the bear is a near-lock for an early exit.


Members: Tennessee, Texas A&M

Breakdown: Tennessee’s mascot, Smokey, a live coonhound, might be more active than Uga, but in an every-man-for-himself style brawl Smokey is just not big enough or vicious enough to truly contend. He may last beyond the first few minutes, but it’ll be an uphill battle from the get-go.

The same goes for Texas A&M’s Reveille, a live collie. Attentive enough to last for a little while, but not big enough or fierce enough to be an aggressor.


Members: Alabama, Arkansas, Florida, Missouri, South Carolina, Vanderbilt

Breakdown: There’s not much separating any of these entrants. Ultimately they’re all just college kids in giant foam suits sweating to high heaven.

Alabama’s Elephant might have a slight advantage in its ability to use its trunk as a weapon of sorts, but that would all depend on the kid inside the elephant suit’s ability to maneuver the trunk. Arkansas’ Razorback Hog might have a similar advantage if it used its horns properly, as would Cocky, the South Carolina mascot, if it could use its beak to its advantage.

The Commodore is just a guy inside a form suit resembling another guy. There’s nothing special about that, and it doesn’t seem like the Commodore would be able to gain any advantage in a cage match. Missouri’s Truman the Tiger might be more mobile due to a sleeker suit, but it doesn’t have the built-in accessories of the Elephant or the Gamecock.


Members: Auburn, LSU

Breakdown: Now we finally arrive at the true contenders in this winner-take-all cage match. Auburn’s Tiger the Eagle, a live Eagle, is the only contender capable of attacking through the air in this fight. The Eagles, even in all of its glorious wonder, would be the smallest entrant in the fight, but it would be able to ensure itself the higher ground at all times, which is crucial.

However, at the end of the day LSU’s Mike the Tiger, a live freakin’ tiger, wins this fight. How are a bunch of guys in rubber suits, a few lazy (but adorable) dogs and an eagle going to mess with a live tiger? The answer: they’re not.

If Mike the Tiger has any interest in winning this fight, he’ll win with ease. Auburn’s Eagle could play a fun game of keep-away for a while, and it’s likely the Eagle could finish as well as second place, but it’s not going to beat a Tiger. No one in this field of entrants could attack with more vicious intent, and no entrant could apply the force a live tiger can in a close range bout.

If weapons were allowed (I suppose no one said they weren’t but it’s not as though these mascots just carry weapons on their person) the Commodore might have an edge thanks to his opposable thumbs, but in hand-to-hand combat its the tiger against everyone else.

Here’s the order in which I’d expect the entrants to be eliminated:

T13. Uga
T13. Bully
11. Ole Miss black bear
10. Wildcat
9. Smokey
8. Reveille
7. Truman the Tiger
6. Mr. Commodore
5. Albert the Gator
4. Cocky
3. Alabama’s Elephant
2. Tiger the Eagle
WINNER: Mike the Tiger