I thought about faking an injury. I thought about quitting early after the 3rd item and preserving my creative talent. I even thought about deciding to hire a kicker to save this column.

I know better; I’d type this thing left-handed on a TRS-80 and file it from a phone booth on a 2-lane dirt road in Mississippi before I’d trust a college kicker. Or a defense to stop Ryan Williams.

Some did, though, and their decisions — and Alabama’s emphatic reminder — are among the 10 things I’m absolutely overreacting to after Week 5 in and around the SEC.

10. “My God, a high school senior!”

Pay the royalties to Larry Munson and the incomparable Herschel Walker, who together gave us the iconic SEC moment and sound track for a generation: “My God! A freshman!”

What Alabama’s Ryan Williams did Saturday night? We’ve never seen it. Ever.

Ryan Williams is not just a freshman.

He’s a 17-year-old who should be in Week 5 of his senior year in high school.

Instead of torching McGill-Toolen High School on Friday night, he lit up Kirby Smart before all the world on Saturday night.

There are no words for generational talents like this.

Williams had 6 catches for 177 yards — including this game-winning play that somehow seemed more unlikely than 2nd-and-26.

This kid’s ceiling is … well, a freshman named Jordan hit the jumper to beat Georgetown.

9. Jalen Milroe is _____

Lamar? Deshaun? Vince?

Lamar Jackson never won the natty.

Deshaun Watson never won the Heisman.

Vince Young was a 3,000-1,000 guy who won the Heisman and a natty.

Milroe proved Saturday that he’s the best bet to join the Vince Young Club.

8. Imagine if your backup QB could do this …

https://twitter.com/SportsCenter/status/1840147377639891044

Arch Manning was nearly perfect Saturday.

One of his “incompletions” was a perfectly thrown walk-in TD that a Texas receiver dropped. In real time, I actually said out loud: “This is what Caitlin Clark must feel like. …”

Bottom line: Manning was 26-for-31 for 324 yards and 2 TDs. He added another 33 yards and a rushing TD. That’s a Heisman stat-line, not a backup QB stat-line.

Still, there’s no controversy: Texas belongs to Quinn Ewers, but Steve Sarkisian has the greatest insurance policy in college football history.

7. Mark Stoops, baby!

How do you like him now, Kentucky fans?

Y’all lost your mind after losing to South Carolina. It was a terrible effort, no doubt.

Real talk? It was but a blade of grass on a 100-yard field.

Stoops has been so good that he groomed you to reach that level of anger. Few other coaches did that.

Appreciate what you have.

It makes moments like upsetting No. 6 Ole Miss, on their home field, all the more sweet and memorable.

6. #ComeToTheSip? Or #ComeToTheTent?

It’s all fun and games when you’re scoring 50 a half and yukking it up with Nick Saban on College GameDay.

There was nothing fun or entertaining about Ole Miss’ offense collapse Saturday against Kentucky.

In fact, this fake injury was the Rebels’ most notable play of its shocking loss.

Not exactly a Heisman moment for Heisman hopeful Jaxson Dart, whose Heisman bid is all but over after a complete flop against Kentucky.

P.S.: To Gators fans saying, “Lane, THIS is why you need to come to Florida!” Kiffin was 2-0 vs. Kentucky as Ole Miss’ coach. Kentucky has won 3 straight vs. the Gators.

P.P.S.: Did anybody have a better day than former Mississippi State QB Nick Fitzgerald after Ole Miss missed the potential tying field goal by, oh, a fairway?

5. Quote of the Weak of the Week

“I mean no offense whatsoever to Arkansas … I love (coach) Sam Pittman, I hope he wins the rest of his games, but I’m telling you, the hard truth is if we play them 9 more times, we beat them 9 times. That’s what’s hard to take, and it’s hard for our fans, I’m sure, and it’s certainly hard for us.” — Hugh Freeze during his weekly Tiger Talk radio show Monday.

No offense, but the hard truth is that’s among the most ridiculous things Hugh Freeze has said, and we have receipts … the man has uttered some pretty ridiculous things.

Also … what about Cal? Or Oklahoma?

Check out this hysterical summation from my guy Neil Blackmon on the current state of all things Freeze:

4. The SEC’s 4 Playoff teams are …

1. Alabama, 2. Texas, 3. Georgia, 4. Tennessee.

I told y’all 2 weeks ago that there were 4 SEC teams with a better QB than Georgia’s Carson Beck. Milroe made it 1-for-1 on Saturday. I like Texas, too, but Beck showed enough, late, when it mattered, to nudge ahead of Tennessee.

I’ve had 5 SEC teams in the Playoff for a few weeks, but Ole Miss didn’t look anything remotely like a Playoff team.

The SEC is set at 4 … for now.

3. Coaches could stop this, but they can’t help themselves …

Everybody is blaming UNLV quarterback Matthew Sluka for quitting on his team.

And, let’s be clear: He absolutely did.

He led UNLV to a 3-0 start and then walked out because, he said, some NIL promises weren’t kept. So he quit.

Basically, he pulled an NFL move by holding out over a contract dispute.

There’s only one way that he’s the first and last to do this: Nobody in college football touches this kid. He’s done. He’s played his last snap. We know that won’t happen. We know a coach with a worse QB situation will do everything imaginable to fix that problem.

Now, there’s a good chance he’s not quite good enough to set off a cash-race like somebody else we’re about to mention, and coaches might actually be able to (temporarily) turn off their internal greed button, but let’s not ever forget how we got to this point, so quickly and so dramatically.

Coaches created this mess. (And then conference commissioners and TV execs came off the top rope to create a billion-dollar enterprise…)

But coaches started all of this by leaving good jobs before a season was finished for a better paying one, setting salary records every carousel, chasing every single penny available. And, even when they didn’t leave, using the threat of leaving as leverage for more. They created this all-in mad dash for cash.

Which is fine and authentically American, but … they changed Bear Bryant’s game. Not Matthew Sluka.

Fourteen college football coaches are making more than $8 million this year. Twenty-five are north of $6 million. The NFL only has 11 coaches making more than $6 million this season.

Those same college coaches, of course, bemoan the current state of the game and will use Sluka as the latest poster-child for a generation that lacks loyalty and only cares about the name on the back of the jersey.

The truth is: Players are simply following everybody else’s lead … from coaches to conferences.

The next step? Somebody’s gonna threaten to hold out for $1M before a Playoff game.

I’d put the over/under on that happening at about 99.8%. And take the over.

If you don’t see that day coming, maybe as soon as this season, you’re not paying attention.

3b. PS … Sluka’s backup did this …

Which begs the obvious question: How much is HE going to want next week?

2. What if Harold Perkins returns … but not to LSU?

That was my first thought after learning Harold Perkins’ ACL injury would knock him out the rest of the season.

The uber-talented junior has 3 choices:

  • A) Thank LSU and declare for the NFL Draft
  • B) Thank LSU and declare he’s coming back to finish business
  • C) Thank NIL and announce he is entering the transfer portal …

I’m most fascinated by Option C, which based on what he hears from NFL execs who can’t be 100% sure whether he’s an outside linebacker or hard-hitting safety, could very much be in play.

If Perkin were to hit the portal, he would be the most coveted/most expensive defensive player on the market.

Ohio State, Alabama, Texas, Georgia … the money he could make could be staggering, and going to a legitimate championship contender that would detail his usage plan as part of the sales pitch makes as much sense as it would cents.

As always, I’m here for the drama.

1. Just like we all drew it up …

Welcome to college football in 2024.

But brace yourself, SEC fans: 2 of those teams could make the Playoff. I don’t think America is prepared to discuss why 10-2 Indiana deserves at at-large bid.

But we’re looking forward to that Alabama 84, Indiana 0 semifinal.