SEC teams if they were Halloween candy
Since we are 9 weeks into the season, we have a pretty good idea as to what teams are at this point. It being Halloween and everything, let’s go ahead and match up each team with a popular (or not) piece of Halloween candy:
Mississippi State Bulldogs – Pumpkin Reese’s Cups
Everyone is excited to get one of these in their bags. They only come around once a year, so you better get them while you can. Much like Mississippi States’ success- it doesn’t happen very often, so capitalizing on a great season will be key for Dan Mullen and the Bulldogs. Let’s just pause for a second and appreciate the greatness while it’s here. Maybe it will stick around for a long time, or maybe it is a limited time kind of affair.
Alabama Crimson Tide – Snickers
A classic. No one is going to be mad about getting a Snickers in their bag. They are delicious. There is enough going on in that bite to keep you coming back for more every time. Snickers is always as expected, it starts strong and remains tasty throughout, one of the few King Size candy bars you can eat the whole thing of and enjoy (still feel terrible about yourself after but enjoy nonetheless). Alabama remains a team to beat in the SEC and with Saban at the helm, they don’t seem to be going anywhere.
Auburn Tigers – Whoppers
Whoppers are pretty boring. Good, but boring. I love me some Whoppers, don’t get me wrong. They are classic. Something that has been around forever and always a strong choice. Gus Malzahn is pretty boring, but he certainly gets the job done. Auburn was many people’s favorite entering the season and they find themselves in a position to play for a title, both SEC and the Playoff.
Georgia Bulldogs – Starbursts
Often times, in a big bowl of candy, you poke around looking for all the chocolatey goodness, passing over the fruity Starbursts. You know they are good, but you just aren’t feeling them right now. But as you continue to poke around, there they are, staring back at you. You end up popping on in your mouth, and man is it tasty. Many people wrote Georgia off after their loss to South Carolina (a loss that is looking worse and worse), but as we enter into Week 10, they are looking pretty good.
Ole Miss Rebels -Twix
Left Twix, Right Twix. Dr. Bo, Mr. Pick. Beat Alabama, lose to LSU. Ole Miss has been terribly fun to watch so far this year, surprising many in the college football ranks. They are very good, but even the hint of having two sides to them makes a lot of people wary of their title hopes.
LSU Tigers – Butterfingers
Ol’ Les Miles always seems to slip from opponents grasps. A lot of teams feel like they should probably win, and come real close, only to slip away down the stretch (ahem, Ole Miss). Also, Butterfingers tend to stay with you for a little while, much like the sting of a Mad Hatter trick play does.
Texas A&M Aggies -Almond Joy
Apparently some people like this candy, but I can’t seem to find any. The Aggie team was all the rage early in the season, but now it is tough to find anyone who is really high on them.
Kentucky Wildcats – Mystery flavored Airhead
You think you know what you are getting, but you aren’t really sure. After all it’s a mystery. Is this Kentucky team much improved? It certainly seems that way, but we’ll see how they fair down the stretch. Will they make a bowl game? Probably, but for now, their success remains a mystery.
Arkansas Razorbacks – Gobstoppers
Arkansas employ a slow, plodding style of play. They start out strong, but fade away down the stretch. Much like a Gobstopper, if you try and bite into it early, you’ll break a tooth. But, if you wait it out, you can wear it down and and break through the shell, devour it and move on to the next one.
Missouri Tigers – DOTS
What? Exactly. Missouri’s defense is good, but their offense is horrible. Halloween candy that comes in boxes are supposed to be good, but these are terrible. What are they even? Sugar gel? No one really knows. No one really knows what to expect from Missouri, and yet they are still very much in the race for the SEC East.
South Carolina Gamecocks – Twizzlers
They are red and black and just kind of meh. I guess some people are into them but, no one is going to be pumped for a sack full of them. Give me something I can get excited about.
Florida Gators – Milk Duds
Milk Duds seem like they should be good. It’s milk chocolate. It’s caramel. It’s delicious. Except it’s not. They get stuck in your teeth and they don’t really taste like they should. Basically they look good until it matters, when you eat them. Much like the Florida team, they look good, right up until they start to play.
Tennessee Volunteers – Apples
I haven’t personally seen apples in Halloween bags, but I’ve heard it, just like I’ve heard bricks are being laid for the Tennessee program. Once upon a time there were no artificial sweets and we had to rely on fruits to satiate our sweet tooth. I think that was back in 1998.
Vanderbilt Commodores – Dental Floss
Every neighborhood as a dentist who rages against the machine and gives out floss to unsuspecting kids. This is a travesty, but a fact that remains true through the years.