Half of sports seems to be marketing. With that in mind, we’re trying to get catchy. This means it’s time to sum up the appeal, the promise and the hopes of each SEC football team in a good one-line slogan.
And if you get too angry about your school’s slogan, just check out your rivals.
Alabama: We won’t run off our offensive coordinator before the title game again.
Sometimes, it’s the hard lessons, and for Nick Saban, it was the fact that a random washed-up head coach typing Shakespeare couldn’t call enough plays. Won’t happen twice.
Arkansas: This year we’re going to win games when we’re up more than two scores at halftime.
It had been a pretty solid year for Bret Bielema, but coughing up three-score leads like an ER patient won’t help the program’s long-term outlook.
Auburn: We just found out that the forward pass is actually legal.
The Tigers failed to eclipse 14 completions or 154 passing yards in their final five games last season. Jarrett Stidham is supposed to change all of that. Auburn has had exactly one 3,000-yard passer in its history. Can Stidham change that, too?
LSU: C is for cookie.
Huh? Well, if you thought the Farmer Fran humor had played out, time for the Orgeron/Cookie Monster phase. We have a feeling Derrius Guice is going to eat a bunch in 2017.
Mississippi State: Because we won’t lose to South Alabama in 2017.
Brutal non-conference slate for the Bulldogs in 2016, which has to get better, right?
Ole Miss: We won’t mess up your holiday plans with a pesky bowl game.
Hey, it’s all about the bright side. NCAA hammer coming down? No worries. They’ve still never lost a party in Oxford.
Texas A&M: Watch us burn out another freshman QB by November.
Hey, A&M is money in September. The Aggies will be great. Can they win a game in November? Can they get an elite quarterback recruit to stay for more than a year or two?
Florida: We thought football was golf — but we still won the East.
The Gators’ offense still has no place to go but up — which is a scary thing since they’re back-to-back division crown winners.
Georgia: Because our second-year coach won’t make dumb first-year mistakes.
Kirby Smart had his struggles and them some, including the widespread rumors that he was just over his head. Surely, he won’t lose to Vandy or drop a game on a Hail Mary in 2017.
Kentucky: Because they can make the Final Four — of the best teams in the SEC East.
It’s a tired joke that Kentucky is just a basketball school, but when you are 1-59 against Florida and Tennessee in the past 30 years, then an upset or two is well overdue.
Missouri: 2017 — Barry Odom won’t yell about sticking it places.
If you missed the SEC basketball tournament, you might have missed ousted coach Kim Anderson embarrassing himself after his 7-23 team won a game. Extremely NSFW language.
Kim Anderson walked off with words only spoken by a coach who has already been fired or is Bob Knight. pic.twitter.com/snUOnhEwfl
— Michael Casagrande (@ByCasagrande) March 9, 2017
South Carolina: Jake Bentley missed prom for this.
Admittedly, Will Muschamp has this program on an uptick. And Bentley is one of the top young QBs in college football — although the YOUNG aspect is a bit jarring. He’s going through spring practice as an incumbent starter, when he should be worried about not looking stupid in a cummerbund at prom.
Tennessee: We’re over the “Champions of Life,” so let’s play Monopoly.
I know, I know. It’s too easy — kind of like running on UT’s front seven late last season. If Butch Jones doesn’t get it going quickly, he’s going to be a champion of unemployment.
Vanderbilt: James Who?
After a couple of ugly years, Derek Mason made people forget the current Penn State coach for at least a few minutes last season. Another bowl appearance could continue that process.