It’s been a brutal year, but even in 2020, everyone deserves a gift.
Some have been naughty (Tennessee), while others have been nice (Sam Pittman). That’s neither here nor there. I’m not in any position to say that teams deserve coal in their stockings.
After this year, everyone could use a little something. Even the team that has everything (Alabama) can still use something for Christmas.
So here I come, bearing gifts for all. Call me “Connor Claus,” or just call me the guy who had a little too much pre-Christmas fun handing out gifts to each SEC team. Nah, that’s too wordy. “Connor Claus” it is.
Here are gifts for each SEC team:
Alabama – A pause button
To quote Trace Adkins, hear this Alabama fans:
You’re gonna miss this.
You’re gonna want this back.
You’re gonna wish these days hadn’t gone by so fast.
These are some good times.
So take a good look around.
You may not know it now.
But you’re gonna miss this.
By “this,” I mean having 3 legitimate Heisman Trophy contenders on offense and an offensive coordinator who might be part wizard. Even at Alabama, that doesn’t happen. So yes, Alabama fans, you’re gonna wish these days (with Mac Jones, DeVonta Smith and Najee Harris) hadn’t gone by so fast.
Arkansas – A cable box without DVR
I’m just assuming that everyone in Arkansas hates replay. After the year that’s been, I can’t say I blame them.
Auburn – The wheel from “Wheel of Fortune”
That seems like a better way to pick a coach than whatever method Auburn went with before landing Bryan Harsin. Sure, you can go bankrupt, but once you agree to pay a coach $21.5 million not to work, how bankrupt can you really get?
Florida – A shoe closet
I mean, clearly Florida needs a place to organize shoes instead of throwing them all over the house.
Georgia – A 1-time HIPAA exemption
Just so that Kirby Smart can go release medical reports saying that JT Daniels was indeed not healthy when he wasn’t starting. Just go into the files, tweak them a bit (if needed) and make sure the world knows that Daniels wasn’t fully healthy in the first half of the season. Not like in a “we see him in practice every day” sense, but in like a “we have the X-rays” sense.
Kentucky – A cell phone
Why a cell phone? I assume that with Kentucky’s 20th century offense that it was also using a 20th century form of communication, as well. The Cats upgraded their offense — with an offensive coordinator who may or may not be my twin — so now it’s time for a phone upgrade, too. We’ll let them start off with the flip phone and work their way up from there.
LSU – A 2019 scrapbook
One of the best parts about having a wedding or going on vacation is that you get to make a scrapbook to relive all of those memories. As a kid, I didn’t understand their purpose. Now, I get it. You get to thumb through them and relive the good times. They can come in handy when you’re having a bad day. Or if you’re LSU, scrapbooks can come in handy when you’re having a year to forget. LSU can look back on 2019 and relive those positive memories. And if we can make a scrapbook with GIFS — trust me when I say that’s happening soon — this needs to be full bleed.
Certified 🐐 Joe Burrow is ready for that championship ring
(via @espn)pic.twitter.com/ZJth4urXht
— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) January 14, 2020
MSU – An iPhone screen protector
Hey, if you’re gonna have a modern offense (or phone), you should probably figure out a way to protect it. MSU wasn’t exactly into the whole “protection” thing in Year 1 of the Mike Leach era. In the same way dropping your unprotected iPhone on a hardwood floor can shatter your screen, failing to block 3-man fronts can shatter the Air Raid.
Mizzou – An American Pitt Bull Terrier
Mizzou is losing Nick Bolton to the NFL. As a result, I Googled “the most alpha dog” and American Pit Bull Terrier came up.
Ole Miss – 2,500,000 pennies
You already know. And yes, it’s 2,500,000 pennies. Unlike Lane Kiffin, AKA Penny Lane, I triple-checked my math.
South Carolina – Lottery tickets
When you have to pay a coach $15 million guaranteed not to work, you have to find creative ways to do it. Some are legal, some aren’t. Assuming South Carolina wants to go the legal route and not the potentially lucrative point-shaving route, lottery tickets make sense. They’re fantastic stocking stuffers. Maybe the Gamecocks could also get hundreds those scratch-offs that pay out roughly $250 if they hit. Either that or beg for a discount with a strongly-worded letter to Jimmy Sexton. Perhaps he could even give out a loan if he’s feeling generous this holiday season.
Tennessee – 10,000 hours of Harrison Bailey practice videos
Remember the summer? Wasn’t that fun when Tennessee fans could just drool over 10-second videos of the true freshman quarterback slinging it? Ah, simpler times. Well, 10,000 hours of Bailey videos would get Tennessee through this bummer of an offseason. Lord knows Tennessee fans didn’t get to see Bailey sniff even 100 hours of actual game footage thanks to Pruitt’s handling of the quarterback situation, so this will have to suffice:
Tennessee fans love them some Harrison Bailey.
This 4-second clip has been viewed over 77,000 times in 14 hours. pic.twitter.com/MDsN0lslIf
— SEC Mike (@MichaelWBratton) March 19, 2020
Texas A&M – A chair
Because y’all deserved to have a seat at the table.
Vanderbilt – A Target gift card
This is the inverse of the expression “what do you get for the person who has everything?” With Vandy, it’s “what do you get for the person who has nothing?” A Target gift card is essentially as good as cash. Go buy that pair of jeans, get your kid those LEGOs and pick up that loaf of bread. There’s no shame in that, Vandy.
Connor O'Gara is the senior national columnist for Saturday Down South. He's a member of the Football Writers Association of America. After spending his entire life living in B1G country, he moved to the South in 2015.
