Merry Christmas, all.

Regardless of whether you’ve been naughty or nice in the year 2022, everyone deserves stocking stuffers. After all, what is “naughty” in the NIL era?

Some, of course, are more in need than others. After all, what can you get someone who has everything like Kirby Smart? Perhaps just a way to freeze time?

As for the rest of the mortals in the SEC, there’s certainly something that each of them could use in their stockings.

Let’s hand out some presents:

Alabama — King-sized Reese’s

While Tide fans are usually enjoying the holidays by preparing for another title run, the rest of us are usually drowning our post-regular season sorrows by pretending holiday calories don’t count and housing Reese’s. Welcome to the dark side, Alabama.

Arkansas — A Spotify gift card

Why? The Hogs couldn’t get their music fix courtesy of the jukebox as much as they hoped for in 2022.

Auburn — Extra strength deodorant

I just assume that any head coach or fan at Auburn is constantly sweating. It’s a nervous life many live on The Plains.

Florida — A “run the damn ball” hat

No explanation needed here. Well, Billy Napier might need me to explain this to him, but Florida fans get it.

Georgia — Noise-canceling headphones

Now seems like as good a time as ever for Georgia to block out the noise. Fire up the Russell Wilson “I’m the man” Bose commercial from 10 years ago.

Kentucky — A burner phone

We can’t call you a “football school” unless you’ve got an undetected device to cut deals that may or may not be within NCAA guidelines. Better yet, just steal John Calipari’s. He’s not effectively using his anymore.

LSU — The recipe card for Paula Deen’s Baked Garlic Cheese Grits

You want to be Southern, Brian Kelly? Don’t attempt a Southern accent. Go shoot a video that shows you making and polishing off this entire Paula Deen dish, which may or may not send you into a food coma with its 1 full stick of butter and 24 ounces of cheese.

Mizzou — Felix Gray blue light glasses

Something tells me Mizzou will be living on the internet a lot in the coming weeks. You’ve got Zoom calls with perspective offensive play-callers, scouring the portal to find a quarterback, trolling Kansas on all forms of social media, etc. If you’re living on the internet, you need blue light glasses.

MSU — Eye patches

Whenever you miss the late Mike Leach, throw on one of those bad boys and everyone will feel the presence of The Pirate.

Ole Miss — Texas Pete’s Honey Mustard

Seeing as how nobody threw any mustard at Lane Kiffin this year, I figured he’d need some top quality mustard. This version is much better than that French’s Vols fans threw in Kiffin’s return to Knoxville.

South Carolina — Ray-Bans

If Shane Beamer is going to keep pulling off upsets, he’s gonna need a whole lot more sunglasses to celebrate with.

Tennessee — Plane tickets to anywhere but Columbia, South Carolina

I mean, y’all don’t want to go back there … do you?

Texas A&M — A single piece of paper

Get all of those plays on that and shred the other 6 sheets of paper that Jimbo Fisher fumbles on the sidelines.

Vanderbilt — A mini bottle of champagne

I’d say a full bottle is necessary after winning 2 SEC games, but can a full bottle of champagne fit in a stocking? I honestly don’t know.

Consider that my excuse to stop writing so that I can go experiment with a bottle of champagne and/or drink it.