Sometimes, not everything that needs to be said can be said over a network broadcast. So that’s why we are bringing you Saturday Down South’s Uncensored Commentary of Alabama vs. Tennessee:

Welcome to a beautiful fall day in Knoxville, as the Tennessee Volunteers look to pull off the upset over top-ranked Alabama. Don’t laugh. It could happen. You could win the Mega Millions lottery jackpot, too.

It’s also the long awaited matchup of the two quarterbacks with the toughest last names to spell in all of college football. Should be fun to hear all the different ways Brad and Gary try to pronounce them. Let’s get to the game.

1st quarter

15:00

Alabama starts with the ball, which means if the Vols can hold the upcoming touchdown drive to over three plays, they’ve done pretty well for themselves.

The Tennessee defense does an excellent job of holding Bama to a long, steady opening drive, but Tua Tagovailoa eventually finds Jerry Jeudy with a dime of a pass in the back of the end zone.

Tua had so much time he could have taken out his phone and opened up Google Maps to find Jeudy’s route, then played a few rounds of Candy Crush before anyone on Tennessee’s defense came close to touching him.

Alabama 7-0

10:35

Well at least Tennessee made Bama work to score on that drive, you don’t want to give them anything easy. Like for instance, you don’t want your quarterback to be hit by an unblocked Bama linebacker, throw the ball 10 yards behind him, and give Bama a first and goal. Not to be too specific …

Ok, if you have a weak stomach, it might be time to turn off this game. Watch the new Halloween reboot, or The Haunting of Hill House, or anything that’s happier than this.

Alabama 14-0.

7:44

Tennessee’s offense does a great job of only going 3-and-out and not doing anything worse. However, that momentum doesn’t last long as Tua hits Waddle in stride for a 77-yard touchdown. Doesn’t matter that he was double covered and Tua was about to get crushed, the devil does what he wants.

Alabama 21-0.

3:43

We’re not even out of the first quarter and we’ve already reached the point of every Bama game where the announcers are not even talking about what’s happening and just trading crazy stats about Alabama and Tua’s season.

Meanwhile, Bama scores another touchdown. Boring. When are they gonna mix it up? They’ve become too predictable; that’s just bad coaching.

Alabama 28-0.

2nd quarter

Tennessee holds Bama to a 3-and-out and Nick Saban is taking the full force of his fury out on his sideline coaches. That’s shaping up to be the only real tension left in this game.

There’s now been four punts in a row from the two teams and this game can’t be over fast enough.

9:35

While everyone was asleep, Tennessee scored a touchdown. No one knows how it happened, we all just woke up midway through the second quarter and Tennessee had 7 points.

Alabama 28-7.

6:13

Tennessee goes for an onside kick, and it works perfectly — except for the fact that it bounced off a Vols player well before 10 yards and Bama scores easily with the short field. But hey, those are the risks you have to take when you’re trying to lose to Alabama by less than 30.

Alabama 35-7.

2:12

Jarrett Guarantano gets pummeled in the chest and has to be taken out of the game, probably the best thing to happen to him all game. But Tennessee manages to score a touchdown anyway and Nick Saban gets something to scream about again just before halftime. Very clutch.

Bama also decides to score some points seconds before the half ends. That also helps.

Alabama 42-14.

Halftime

Going into the tunnel, Saban has a cup of ice thrown at him from the stands. It’s the closest anyone’s gotten to cooling off Bama all year.

3rd quarter

15:00

Not a lot of things have gone right for Tennessee, and now they can add a safety to the list. Vol fans have to be encouraged by the wide range of options their offense can produce.

Alabama 44-14.

10:44

Uh-oh, we have a Tua Tagovailoa knee update. He took a big shot and he’s limping toward the sideline. Sure, he just threw another strike of a touchdown pass and is jogging off the field, but it should provide plenty of content of talk radio shows in the South the next few weeks.

Alabama 51-14.

6:07

Keller Chryst is in the game at quarterback for Tennessee now, which means things are going great. The power of Chryst compels Tennessee to go on a 13-play drive that ultimately results in a missed field goal, but it did eat up six minutes of game time and that’s really what we’re after here.

Jalen Hurts is in the game now for Bama and immediately makes his presence known by throwing an interception to a lineman who returned it for a touchdown. That brings us to another crazy Bama stat, Jalen Hurts has officially thrown more interceptions on this drive than Tua has all season…

Alabama 51-21.

3:13

Alabama’s third-string running back Najee Harris is jumping over and avoiding Tennessee defenders like he’s Urban Meyer dodging questions. Harris and Jalen Hurts tack on another touchdown to make up for the mistake on the last drive, not that anyone is watching or cares anymore. The Tagovailoa family is probably already home by now.

4th quarter

12:13

Now the CBS crew is discussing Bama’s schedule, and Danielson says they could still make it in to the Playoff even with two losses, which makes everything we’re doing here seem extra pointless. Maybe it will convince Saban to pull off the ultimate Saban move of resting his starters in the SEC Championship Game to save them for the Playoff. It worked last year.

4:13

As the clock is running down, Butch Jones gets doused with a Gatorade bath, just in case Tennessee fans weren’t miserable enough yet. Or maybe it was just Saban’s ironic payback of getting ice thrown on him before halftime. “Oh you’re gonna lightly toss a few ice cubes at me? I’ll dump a whole jug of Gatorade on your former coach.” — Saban, probably.

0:00

Mercifully this game ends, and Alabama now has two weeks to prepare for its monster showdown against Coach O and LSU. If Saban thought getting ice thrown on him was bad, just wait until he runs out of the tunnel at Death Valley at night.