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Date: 2014-10-06, 2:58PM EST

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WANTED: Quarterback for Vanderbilt’s Men’s Football Team

Job Overview

Responsible for showing a few thousand fans that offensive production is possible for Vanderbilt in 2014.

We are looking for an experienced quarterback, but applicants are encouraged to show creativity in showcasing and explaining previous experience. If you can double as offensive coordinator – a player/coach hybrid – please make note of this ability.

If your older, more talented, better looking brother is a current or past NFL Quarterback, additional consideration will be made.

Mandatory Skills:

  • Understand how to wear wristband with plays
  • Understand how to call plays from wristband with plays
  • Be able to comprehend and articulate the difference between the number 60 and the number 90

Helpful Skills:

  • Throwing
  • Running
  • General Athleticism

Responsibilities:

  • Help pull the overall Vanderbilt completion percentage above 50% (currently at 47.2%).
  • Help move the Vanderbilt passing offense from No. 14 in the SEC to No. 13 – Surely, we can beat Arkansas in passing offense, they don’t even attempt to have an effective passing game!
  • Help provide a distraction from the reality that James Franklin is no longer our coach.

Other Information

  • Location: Nashville, Tennessee
  • Compensation: A degree (you’ll need it because you have no shot in the NFL)
  • Benefits: Plenty of girls interested in being the next Kristin Cavallari (you are encouraged to milk the Jay Cutler thing while it lasts)
  • Also willing to entertain interesting trades.  Looking for old SEC Championship rings, Retina Macbook Pro and possible evidence of NCAA violations committed by other SEC East schools.

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