Week 3 of the college football season gives us a rematch 9 years in the making and a rare chance for a Nick Saban revenge game. Yep, it’s Alabama vs. South Carolina.
We know that making jokes at your opponent’s expense is as much a part of the fan experience as anything else, and that’s why we want to make it easier for you.
So we’re providing you with all the trash-talking you’ll need to get through game week. Feel free to steal these one-liners and use them on message boards, social media, around your office, or wherever else you might need to. Alabama and South Carolina fans, no hard feelings.
South Carolina trash talk
1. South Carolina: where legendary coaches go to retire and young coaches go to get fired.
2. Sure, Clemson has more national championships and Playoff appearances than the Gamecocks, but the good news for South Carolina fans is that they have the exact same number of SEC titles.
3. Steve Spurrier had more success at Duke than at South Carolina. That’s not a joke that’s just a fact.
4. South Carolina football is so hopeless that they saw a division rival fall apart because of a new head coach and thought, “we should hire that guy.”
5. The South Carolina football program has an all-time win percentage of just over 50%, which is about 45% higher than the amount of effort Jadeveon Clowney usually gave them.
6. South Carolina football traditions include: entering to 2001: A Space Odyssey, Sir Big Spur, their beloved mascot Cocky, and losing at least one incredibly embarrassing game every year.
7. Mack Brown retired from football, spent 5 years doing nothing but playing golf and talking on ESPN, returned to a lower-tier ACC team with a freshman quarterback … and still beat South Carolina.
8. Alabama thinks it’s unique for getting blown out by Clemson, but South Carolina has been doing that for decades.
9. South Carolina: first to secede, sixth in the SEC.
10. If you’ve ever been to Atlanta, New Orleans or Miami, you’ve been closer to a New Year’s 6 bowl game than South Carolina ever has.
Alabama trash talk
1. Alabama has a 1-game losing streak to South Carolina, unless you’re counting by Alabama standards, in which case they’ve won 17.
2. What do the Bama student section and the University of Georgia football team have in common? They both disappear in the second half of Alabama games.
3. Too bad South Carolina is starting a freshman quarterback against Alabama. What are the chances a freshman quarterback could ever do enough to possibly beat … oh, right, it happened 3 games ago.
3. How do Alabama fans hang their diplomas? Trick question, you can’t hang Walmart receipts.
4. Checkered hats and stripe suits don’t match.
5. An old Chevy … a T-Mobile connection … one bar of wifi … just a list of things more dependable than an Alabama kicker.
6. Nick Saban’s coordinators are like iPhones … you have to pay for a new one every year and they usually get worse.
7. The last time a Steve Sarkisian offense scared anyone was about 3 presidents and 12 Alabama offensive coordinators ago.
8. Fun fact: Alabama has spent more time on probation than O.J. Simpson.
9. Two words: Kick. Six.
10. Two even scarier words: Stephen. Garcia.
Houston lives in Atlanta and covers SEC football for Saturday Down South. You can follow him on twitter @hbarber17 or reach out at hbarber17@gmail.com
