The Alabama and South Carolina fans' guide to trash talk
Week 3 of the college football season gives us a rematch 9 years in the making and a rare chance for a Nick Saban revenge game. Yep, it’s Alabama vs. South Carolina.
We know that making jokes at your opponent’s expense is as much a part of the fan experience as anything else, and that’s why we want to make it easier for you.
So we’re providing you with all the trash-talking you’ll need to get through game week. Feel free to steal these one-liners and use them on message boards, social media, around your office, or wherever else you might need to. Alabama and South Carolina fans, no hard feelings.
South Carolina trash talk
1. South Carolina: where legendary coaches go to retire and young coaches go to get fired.
2. Sure, Clemson has more national championships and Playoff appearances than the Gamecocks, but the good news for South Carolina fans is that they have the exact same number of SEC titles.
3. Steve Spurrier had more success at Duke than at South Carolina. That’s not a joke that’s just a fact.
4. South Carolina football is so hopeless that they saw a division rival fall apart because of a new head coach and thought, “we should hire that guy.”
5. The South Carolina football program has an all-time win percentage of just over 50%, which is about 45% higher than the amount of effort Jadeveon Clowney usually gave them.
6. South Carolina football traditions include: entering to 2001: A Space Odyssey, Sir Big Spur, their beloved mascot Cocky, and losing at least one incredibly embarrassing game every year.
7. Mack Brown retired from football, spent 5 years doing nothing but playing golf and talking on ESPN, returned to a lower-tier ACC team with a freshman quarterback … and still beat South Carolina.
8. Alabama thinks it’s unique for getting blown out by Clemson, but South Carolina has been doing that for decades.
9. South Carolina: first to secede, sixth in the SEC.
10. If you’ve ever been to Atlanta, New Orleans or Miami, you’ve been closer to a New Year’s 6 bowl game than South Carolina ever has.
Alabama trash talk
1. Alabama has a 1-game losing streak to South Carolina, unless you’re counting by Alabama standards, in which case they’ve won 17.
2. What do the Bama student section and the University of Georgia football team have in common? They both disappear in the second half of Alabama games.
3. Too bad South Carolina is starting a freshman quarterback against Alabama. What are the chances a freshman quarterback could ever do enough to possibly beat … oh, right, it happened 3 games ago.
3. How do Alabama fans hang their diplomas? Trick question, you can’t hang Walmart receipts.
4. Checkered hats and stripe suits don’t match.
5. An old Chevy … a T-Mobile connection … one bar of wifi … just a list of things more dependable than an Alabama kicker.
6. Nick Saban’s coordinators are like iPhones … you have to pay for a new one every year and they usually get worse.
7. The last time a Steve Sarkisian offense scared anyone was about 3 presidents and 12 Alabama offensive coordinators ago.
8. Fun fact: Alabama has spent more time on probation than O.J. Simpson.
9. Two words: Kick. Six.
10. Two even scarier words: Stephen. Garcia.
Yo mamma is so fat, she got other fat people orbitin’ around her!
What does# 2 in Bama section have to do with anything
Dunno, but it stings.
Yes
SC fans can kill two birds with one stone, I guess. Also, it’s true.
Alabama fan walks into a doctor’s office and removes his hat to reveal a frog sitting on his head. The doctor asks, “How can I help you?” The frog replies, “I was wondering if you could help me get this wart off my butt.”
What’s the only sign of intelligent life in Columbia?
A: Athens: 165 Miles
I hear a banjo playing Deliverance while trying to piece together that ‘joke’.
Oh. It was an attempt to be funny. That was not at all clear.
Deliverance was filmed in Georgia.
My favorite UGA joke was from Lewis Grizzard. He said that it was said athletes could drive by UGA with their window rolled down and they would throw a diploma in the window. He added that was not true, they actually had to stop first.
Well this was garbage. Bring it on Bama hope we make it a game
Alabama Guide for Trash Talk: Applies to all SEC teams, and teams in general not named Clemson:
1. If you are playing Alabama, you should not trash talk. You will probably lose by 28, and that’s if your team is pretty good this year. If you’re coming in thinking about winning 7 or 8 games, you’re just trying not to have to many injuries. Let’s be real here.
2. If you do not trash talk and then lose by 28, Nick Saban will say nice things about how your team is “way better than how they looked out there today, and Coach X’ (who will be an analyist on Saban’s staff within 24 months)”is really one of the best coaches in the game.” You will have lost to Alabama, as teams do, but avoid any further damage or humiliation.
3. Don’t say “We Want Bama” unless you really want bama. If you are Vandy (or SC, Mizzou, or any other team in the east not named Georgia) You do not want bama, and if you say you do in the leadup to the game, you will lose 59-0 and get beat up so bad you go from 3-0 to missing a bowl (just ask Vandy).
4. On the offchance you do beat them, conversely, trash talk endlessly until the next time you play them, (and lose by 28). You will not get many such chances, and better make the best of it.
5. If you are bama, and playing SC/Mizzou/Mississippi State, you do not need to trash talk. We already know your players are bigger and faster than ours. You don’t need to point it out. It’s not hard to notice.
The only state where the people are dumber than Alabama is Mississippi. Look it up.
The only state where the people are dumber than Alabama is Mississippi. Look it up. I don’t know, it might be a tie between the three including Louisiana.
I went to Spain and Morocco a few years ago in May. It was rainy in Spain (even not on the plain), but sunny as usual in Morocco, where I got a tan. Upon my return to cloudy and cool Missouri, a checkout lady at the supermarket asked where I had got the tan. Morocco, I said. MOCK-o? she asked. No, Mo-ROC-co, I said. I never hear of that, she said, where is it — South America? :-/
@antediluvian Yeah, let’s put that story in the “never tell again” bucket.
When will they stop letting 12 year olds make accounts? What you can look up are educational statics. And yes, those will show most Southern states, with Mississippi at the bottom and Alabama hovering down there as well, lacking in critical areas. Seems to be a problem that needs a solution rather than insults. What those statistics do not show is the intelligence level of an entire population. For that, further analysis would be needed. The educational system in Alabama is severely lacking. Underfunding, lack of teachers, too many kids in classes, all attribute to that. But it seems people forget that school isn’t the only place to learn. School should be a jumping off point to a person’s own education. I didn’t stop trying to learn when the school bell rang at the end of the day. And I continue to learn to this day, having been over a decade since I was last in school. Point is, to label an entire population dumb based on statics about the education system itself, lacks an understanding of the concept of learning and intelligence.
*statistics
I can have an entirely different diatribe about smart phones and their lack of “smart”.
Though this will not insult many SEC folks, I would submit southern Ohio for consideration. I’m a forester, and I’d been marking timber on a sale over there in the Appalachian foothills. At the end of the day I walked into a gas station, and forgot to take off the compass that was hanging on a lanyard around my neck.
The gas station looked me dead in the eye and said “weird necklace, bro.”
@Cody, that is an extremely well-thought-out, nuanced point of view. I agree with you entirely, and I think labeling entire states/regions/counties/etc. as “dumb” doesn’t do anyone any good.
Honestly, I travel a lot throughout the US for my job, and while some areas are certainly more affluent than others, people are basically the same in the upper Peninsula of Michigan or some rural parts of the Adirondack Mountain in NY, and, say, central Louisiana. They talk differently, but they’re basically the same.
As someone from a rural part of Missouri, a lot of rural areas (which certainly encompasses much of the south) are struggling right now. That’s something we need to look at, but probably well outside the scope of a football blog.
^^
Cody,
You are right. I apologize for the post. I was just trolling Bama and did it in the wrong way.
The only part of Bama I trash-talk are their fans. I bet 75% of them don’t even know who the coaches are or could name 2 players on the team.
A Vols fan, trash talking any team or fan base. I’ve seen it all now. Thank you guy.
We have found T-mobile to be better than Verizon.
This is good.
Too funny. And, all of the SC notes are true! #2 on the Alabama side stings a bit though.
Why don’t they just post the academic rankings for both of these schools? That should be trash talk enough.
I will only address #8. We have not been blown out for decades by Clemson. Before the last four losses, we had won 5 in a row. Famous Steve Spurrier quote: “With all that talent GA has, seems like they’d win more”.
The quote about Spurrier being more successful at Duke than SC is also objectively incorrect. He never won more than 8 at Duke.
Also #10 is factually incorrect. We’ve been to Atlanta in 2010, the year we knocked #1 Alabama off the throne. Also, we got John Cooper, the head coach of Ohio State fired by beating them in back-to-back Gator Bowls, thanks to Lou Holtz. Houston Barber you can shove it, cause it ain’t all bad like the picture you painted.
The context of #10 was playing in a New Year’s Six Bowl instead of getting to the SECCG; by the way getting the doors blown off by Auburn negates getting there. But I’m not sure the term “New Years Six” was even a thing before the CFP.
you must be a Gamecock….what do you call a 56-7 score??? sounds like a “blowout” to me!!!! and that was in 2016…
So, rickt you are a Clemson fan. Before the Deshaun Watson era, you guys coined the phrase Clemsoning, while we were building good recruiting program. Suddenly, in two years our recruiting program fell apart after Spurrier announced he may have one year left. Sigh!!! Been struggling since.
Funny that the only fans commenting are of fan bases that have never beaten a Saban coached Bama team before.
UGA beat Saban-coached LSU by four touchdowns in 2004.
And beat Saban-coached Alabama in 2007.
Small consolation for UGA, but yeah, we have beaten him.
I forgot about Saban’s first year, good catch. All I’m saying is SC fans are silent other teams fan bases have flooded the SC articles this week to talk smack
A Clemson fan might have something to say to Alabama.
Other than that, the only thing anyone can say is “Saban can’t coach forever”.
Unfortunately, that is very true.