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Weekends like this make it easy to answer when people ask why I think college football is God’s sport. Sure the NFL has some early and mid-season thrills on occasion, but nothing like we saw this weekend in the NCAA with 10 Top 25 teams snagging a big ole “L”. You cannot even get the playoff atmosphere seen this week in the actual playoffs for the NBA, MLB or NHL. It’s like having March Madness without three plus months of meaningless, crappy basketball to get there. I could go on and on and write for 12 days given what we’ve just been through, so let’s cut to the chase and roll with my Shocks, Shanks and Chafes and Predictions.
Biggest Shock: Flimflam and cowbells. I don’t care what anyone wants to argue; Saturday was the biggest day in Mississippi sports history. Now I’m not a legitimate historian of The Magnolia State, but I’m going to guess it edged out The Egg Bowl of 1903 that ended in a 6-6 tie and The Brett Favre Wrangler 5-on-5 Farmhouse Touch Classic of 2007. But that’s what happens when you have the royalty of Tim Tebow and Katy Perry on your campuses for pre-game shows.
On the field both games were contrarily shocking. In Starkville Dak Prescott firmly tossed his helmet into the Heisman race with an impressive five-touchdown performance. MSU had never beaten two top tenners in one season until Saturday, and impressively did it back-to-back. Speaking of impressive, the 48-31 win also produced the 2nd most points A&M’s given up when ranked in the Top 10. See MSU fans, you didn’t need Dillon Day and his greasy, yellow mane after all.
A couple of hours North in Oxford I had The Rebels left for dead when Row Tide rowed onto the field at Vaught-Hemingway Stadium in the 2nd half with a 14-3 lead. The one thing I didn’t trust heading into this game was Bo Wallace. His confidence and poise down the stretch combined with a defense that stifled Amari Cooper was central to Ole Miss disintegrating the decade drought, 23-17. Despite the big win for Bo, I don’t think the speed limit is dropping from 18 to 14 on campus any time soon.
The worst part about this, Mississippians, is that you don’t have much time to catch your breath. MSU hosts Auburn and Ole Miss travels to Swaggercopter next week. Let’s reset and do it again, both ranked 3rd in the land this time. Sheesh. You think these guys and gals already have enough to bicker about.
Biggest Shank: Not even a checkered out Neyland Stadium could keep the Gators from kinging The Vols for the 10th time in a row. This was Florida’s worst squad to visit Knoxville in that decade span not only coming into the game, but for three quarters of this game to boot. Jeff Driskel was horrendous even by Jeff Driskel standards. Even Katy Perry was overheard saying, “Yeah, that guy sucks. Don’t call me, dude.”
UT could not capitalize against a Florida defense that played its best game of the year. Up 9-0 in the 4th quarter against a Gators offensive unit doing nothing all day except be offensive, UT shanked it away 10-9 in the hands of true freshman QB Treon Harris. More on him in a second.
Fulmer, Kiffin, Dooley and Jones are 0-10 versus Meyer and Muschamp. The Vols hanker for the Ron Zook era. Let’s hope no one really took Clay Travis’ “bet your mortgage” advice.
The only saving grace for those classy Vols fans and their crafty game ending cheers that brought out Bizzaro Muschamp’s anger: Harris’ suspension announcement and whatever other wheels are going to fall of the already dilapidated UF bus. Looks like my dreams of never seeing Driskel toss worse passes than my 6-year old son are shattered.
Biggest Chafe: For Pete’s Sake, College GameDay, just stop it. I think there was a mandatory meeting to select the worst possible celebrity for Oxford following the fury over Kenny Chesney’s appearance in SoCar last week, and they chose Katy Perry. Eminem chatting with Brent Musburger during the Michigan-Notre Dame game last year was less awkward, and that was about as awkward as discussing sex with your grandparents.
I get that they’re using a Katy Perry song on GameDay this year and the corporate ties that go hand-in-hand with the demonic warlords at ABC/ESPN/Disney trump common logic. But can they at least trot someone out there to make picks that is at least somewhat a fan, let alone been to a game before? Sure her guest spot was quirky and bizarre with a hint of cuteness, but I would be, too if I was a guest on The View and I’m fairly certain their fan base doesn’t want to see me.
I can’t figure out what kind of audience ESPN is trying to attract, and I don’t think they can either. If you need further evidence I give you Big & Rich. For nearly a decade those chumps have crooned and grooved on the GameDay into and I think I’ve had enough. Their selection made sense in 2005 when they were hot, but these guys make a living touring state fairs and theme parks in 2014. The time has come to cut ties and never let them come to our ci-tay ever again. No more zing in our zang zang; no more ting in our tang tang.
As for the celebrity pickers, keep it to your Stone Cold Steve Austins , Will Ferells and Vince Vaughns. Instead we’ll probably get Rico Rodriguez next week. You probably know him as “Manny” on Modern Family…as seen on ABC. Rock on, Walt Disney Company.
My Lousy Predictions: Yipes stripes, I went 1-5 ATS this week. That’s more disappointing than the payoff to the question “You wanna join the mile high club?” in the Carl’s, Jr. commercials. I’m 17-24 for the season and coming off the rails like a South Carolina football squad. Diffidently, I press on….
Games of the Week: All about the M.I. Crooked letter
#2 Auburn (-3) @ #3 Mississippi State: MSU’s impressed these last two games, but LSU and A&M are probably worse than we thought. Other than some isolated pub for War Eagle a few Thursdays ago in Manhattan, it’s actually been rather quiet for the new #2 team in the country. The Bulldogs haven’t gone perfect at home since ’99. That streak continues here. My Prediction: War Eagle 35, Cowbell 25
#3 Mississippi @ #14 Texas A&M (-1): Swagcopter hasn’t played at Kyle Field in nearly a month and is 6-0 vs. Ole Miss all-time. Part of me feels that The Rebels are due for a letdown after knocking over the SEC’s royalty, but the other part of me doesn’t care much for the A&M defense and I think The Aggies just might be a bit worn out. My Prediction: Hotty Toddy 38, 12th Man 28
Game of the Weak
UL Monroe @ Kentucky (-21): The Warhawks actually won the very first meeting for these schools in 1994, so that’s cool. So were the No Fear shirts I wore that year when I graduated high school. Kentucky may have a cocky hangover to start, but pull away late. My Prediction: Cats 41, Hawks 13
Elsewhere, these other games are happening…
#13 Georgia (-3) @ #23 Missouri: I almost snuck this one in for the games of the week, but the East just isn’t as handsome as the West this season. Or last season. Or since 2008. I expect a close one decided by something done by Todd Gurley…possibly a drop kick field goal to win as time expires? My Prediction: Dawgs 37, Tigers 35
#7 Alabama (-8) @ Arkansas: The Razorbacks have lost 7 straight in the series by an average of 28 points per game. Back-to-back 52-0 shutouts haven’t helped that stat. I still have a love affair with Arkansas improving, but a greater love affair with their SEC losing streak. Make it 15. But closer than the losing average. My Prediction: RoTieRo 27, Woo Pig 20
LSU (-1) @ Florida: When was the last time these programs met with neither one ranked? The Internet tells me 1989. Someone verify that for me. As for this game, um…yeah. As a true gambler, I wouldn’t touch this game with a 10-foot corn dog – and that was before the Treon Harris fiasco. I don’t want to watch this game, and don’t know why anyone really would. My Prediction: LSU 19, Florida 7
Chattanooga plays at Tennessee and Charleston Southern is at Vandy. Those games have no lines and are deader to me than South Carolina’s season. Fitting that The Cocks have this week off. The can start planning for the Independence or Liberty Bowls.
Follow me on Twitter @thenassar to share your Shocks, Shanks, Chafes and Predictions!
An idiot college football fan spewing his views on SDS. A graduate of The University of Florida, his greatest gridiron accomplishment was several missed tackles on Tommie Frazier in high school. Much like the entire Gators defense in the '96 Fiesta Bowl.
