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I woke up Sunday morning with no way to hold my head that didn’t hurt. But that is to be expected following a trip to New Orleans and Baton Rouge where I sadly did not have one encounter with a corn dog. Let me see if I can shake of haze of a day of tailgating capped off with a post-game trip to Fred’s as I weave through another college football weekend of Shocks, Shanks, Chafes and Predictions.
Biggest Shock: Whoa, Tide. Everyone can stop panicking about Alabama’s football team being in a state of disarray. I don’t know if it was Nick Saban’s rage that fueled the fire on Saturday or Lane Kiffin being inspired by Daniel Tosh, but the Crimson Tide reminded us all that they do indeed know a thing or two about winning pigskin contests as they dismantled Texas A&M 59-0. Ridiculously and predictably some suggested it might be time for Saban to “move on”. If I hear one more person mumble that ridiculous phrase again I’ll eat my left shoe.
Bama outgained A&M by 430 yards and posted the biggest SEC margin of victory between ranked opponents. This was the very first shutout dealt to Kevin Sumlin as a coach in an October that they just want to end now. Luckily, there’s a bye this week so they don’t play again until the calendar flips to November. But just as everyone needed to calm down in Tidal Town, the same needs to happen for Swagcopter. They’ve lost a lot of NFL talent the last two seasons – and I’m talking more than just dudes named Johnny Football. If I hear one person suggest Sumlin should be fired I’ll eat my right shoe.
With a month and change left in the regular season, both teams are heading in completely different directions. For A&M, the focus must be to get the team playing better and finish the season strong to go out on a positive note. For Bama, they’re right in the hunt to be a one loss playoff team, where I hope they draw FSU and beat them like they were playing A&M.
Biggest Shank: The SEC East may not have had a team get shutout like above, but Kentucky, Tennessee and that team in Gainesville were more vile to me on Saturday than a Baton Rouge Porta Potty. For UT the loss stings a little less since beating Ole Miss wasn’t really expected unless you’re a Vols fan and logic defies you. The disparity in the LSU-UK game was probably my most surprising shank of the day. Unlike Kirk Herbstreit, I did not see a Wildcat victory at night at Tiger Stadium, but I did expect a much sterner effort than the tickle fight they produced. Take your pick on what was worse in these games: zero rushing yards for Tennessee, or being outgained by 200+ yards by UK?
And then there’s that face palm inducing train wreck of nightmarish hopelessness that has broken my heart in Gainesville. If I hear one person suggest Will Muschamp shouldn’t be fired, you’re eating both of my shoes. And the ones I wore on Bourbon Street, no less. It was rumored amidst the sea of boos on Saturday night that Jeremy Foley told Muschamp, “they’re not saying “boo”, they’re saying “boo-urns””, but that’s flat-out rubbish since Foley wouldn’t even speak to him. After the shellacking by Alabama a month ago, I predicted another 4 win season for UF this year and I’m really beginning to question that. Vanderbilt might be lousy, but at the moment I think Florida’s just a tad lousier. And don’t get me started on The Eastern Kentucky Colonels and their 6-1 record.
I’m flummoxed by the stat that broke the Internet on Saturday regarding the 147-2 record teams are when holding an opponent to 120 yards or less in the last ten years, and those two losses being owned by Muschamp. The guy is a magnet for horrible records, and also will be etched as having the worst home loss for UF in 47 years with this Mizzou debacle. That was four years before Will was born. Congrats, buddy. Congrats.
Biggest Chafe: I stayed at the same hotel the Kentucky players in Baton Rouge and had a rather unforgettable interaction with a player that will remain nameless. I was withdrawing money from the ATM as he walked by and he jokingly said, “Share some of that money with me, man.” I laughed and told him I would but he’d get suspended. His response: “Not if I’m Jameis Winston.”
His response was funny because of its wit, yet sad because of its truth. Jameis Winston should not be playing football for FSU right now. I know it, the Kentucky player knows it and everyone that’s not a tomahawk chopping homer knows it. And it bothers me to no end.
As I watched FSU seal the game with Notre Dame late on Saturday and Winston beam like a school girl getting a pony for Christmas I felt angrier than I have in a long time. Maybe it’s because I’ve despised the Noles all of my life. Maybe it’s because they’re on top and Will Muschamp couldn’t coach The Harlem Globetrotters to a win over the Washington Generals. Or maybe, just maybe, it’s because Jameis Winston is not being held accountable for any of his actions and I’m sick of hearing all of the apologies.
I don’t want to hear that he’s a kid making poor, immature decisions and we should cut him a break. Tell that to the thousands of college students arrested every year for possessing a fake ID. I don’t want to hear that signing autographs is breaking a “stupid” rule. Tell that to the college students pulled over for going 20 in a 10 MPH zone on campus and getting a ticket. I don’t want to hear that stealing from Publix is something that all of the football players were doing. I can guarantee you if it was happening at Florida when Tim Tebow was there, he wouldn’t get caught stealing crab legs. He would have just had Aaron Hernandez do it.
I know I’m beating a dead horse here because opinions on Winston and the infraction allegations at FSU is far from groundbreaking news. But the more he continues to play, and the more others make excuses for his lack of character, the more we become desensitized to this kind of tomfoolery. And the more that happens, the more willing a football player is to take wads of money from a stranger at a hotel ATM because if others are doing it, why shouldn’t he?
My Lousy Predictions: My 5-1 ATS last week was a fluke last week as I came back down to earth rocking a 2-3 this week. I’m 24-28 on the season and constantly reminded why gambling makes me cry. Let’s see how painful this heart can become in week 9.
Game of the Week:
#3 Ole Miss (-3) @ #24 LSU: Both come off impressive wins and The Tigers are back in the Top 25 following consecutive victories. It’s Death Valley, its night and Ole Miss is 4-13 versus ranked opponents the last 5 years. Sneakily, though, two wins are against Les and crew. My Prediction: Rebs 24, Tigers 17
Game of the Weak:
UAB @ Arkansas (-22.5): I think I’m officially done picking Arkansas to win games in conference for the remainder of the season. That should be good for me and the fan base. Obviously this one doesn’t count, so of course they should roll. You keep racking up those non-conference wins, Double B. My Prediction: Arky 45, Blazers 27
Elsewhere, these games are happening:
#1 Mississippi State (-14) @ Kentucky: The loss in Baton Rouge is going to sting for this band of wildcats. I don’t see The Bulldogs easing up on the throttle here at all and should have no problem coming off a bye-week and well rested. Unless that Sports Illustrated cover bites them in the butt. My Prediction: MSU 38, UK 14
Vanderbilt @ Missouri (-20.5): Okay….which Mizzou squad shows up in Memorial Stadium on Saturday? The last two times home for The Tigers have been dreadful, much like Vandy’s entire season of woe including that impressive win over Charleston Southern week seven 21-20. Sheesh. My Prediction: Mizzou 37, Vandy 13
South Carolina @ #5 Auburn (-17.5): War Eagle has dominated this series losing just once in 1933 and holding a 9-1-1 mark. USC’s been my biggest disappointment in 2014, and I don’t see it getting any better here on the road against Auburn fresh off a bye. Fly down the field. My Prediction: Auburn 34, USC 14
#4 Alabama (-16) @ Tennessee: The Vols haven’t beaten Bama since Phil Fulmer was rolling along the sidelines in Neyland (’06), and the average margin of victory has been 25 ppg. It seems like eons ago that I proclaimed UT was getting better and better. My Prediction: ROWTIDE 44, UT 17
A&M, Georgia and Florida have byes this week. That’s the most delightful comment I wrote this whole article as I know I don’t have to watch The Gators try to play organized football for 11 days. Follow me on Twitter @thenassar and tell me how awful my predictions are this week.
An idiot college football fan spewing his views on SDS. A graduate of The University of Florida, his greatest gridiron accomplishment was several missed tackles on Tommie Frazier in high school. Much like the entire Gators defense in the '96 Fiesta Bowl.
