What each coach would bring to Thanksgiving dinner
In the spirit of Thanksgiving, we imagine a world where all the coaches get together for a nice, pleasant SEC coach feast. I’m sure that it would all be very cordial and fun right up until someone maybe has one too many drinks and pokes fun at someone who is fed up with being poked fun at. Regardless, if they were meeting up for a feast, not one coach would have all that time to make all of the dishes, so here’s what each coach would bring to dinner:
Les Miles: Cranberry Sauce
This just feels right. I don’t really have much of a description here, it just seems like this is a perfect fit. Les probably incorporates the cranberries not only in his main Thanksgiving dish, but also in every sort of leftover dish possible.
Gus Malzahn: Instant mashed potatoes
Auburn speed. That’s a thing, right? Malzahn probably has the ability to cook up something special in a nano-second. Based on this season though, it’s likely that the mash potatoes are missing some sort of special ingredient that he used last season.
Nick Saban: Turkey
When you’re number one, you get to bring the turkey. That doesn’t mean there won’t be any sort of coaching from the sidelines on what else need to be added or what needs to be done differently. Saban probably shoots down any sort of suggestion with a death stare we’ve all come to know.
Steve Spurrier: Beer
I mean, this is a no brainer, right? The HBC no doubt rolls up with a couple cases of Coors. Because, after all, Thanksgiving dinner is pretty much a banquet.
Derek Mason: Salad
Because salad is present, but no one really ever eats it. Vanderbilt is in the SEC, but no one really ever watches it. Hopefully Mason will get things turned around next season and he can get his dish upgraded.
Bret Bielema: Fruitcake
Bielema is one of the characters in the SEC. He is always saying or doing something that is of interest and makes his squad stand out. Also, no one really wants to face the Razorbacks right now, and I’m not sure anyone really wants to eat fruitcake either.
Will Muschamp: Box of wine, chocolate pie
Muschamp was assigned chocolate pie, but also showed up with boxed wine, which when you think about it, is not all that surprising. He has been known to be a bit emotional on the sidelines, and once that Franzia starts flowing Coach Boom could get a little misty eyed. And the pie, because it would undoubtedly be made from bittersweet chocolate. His exit from Florida is exactly that – bittersweet. Good luck, Boom.
Mark Richt: Stuffing
Old fashioned. No one really knows who likes stuffing, but there it is at every dinner. Every year someone says, “you know, let’s go ahead and do away with this for next year’s dinner.” But, there it is, every year, on the table.
Mark Stoops: Sweet potatoes
Mark never got to eat sweet potatoes at the Stoops household because Bob always hogged them. So, since he gets to bring something to a dinner that Big Game Bob won’t be at, it only makes sense that Mark brings it to this table. Also sweet potatoes can kind of be hit or miss, which also makes sense, because after a strong start, Kentucky has faded.
Dan Mullen: Corn souffle
Mullen is really making himself known in Mississippi these days. If you can get it right, corn souffle can be a show stopper. So far, this season, Mississippi State has surprised everyone (well, for the most part). If he keeps it up, Mullen can find himself in charge of the turkey one day.
Hugh Freeze: Biscuits
Biscuits start out hot and delicious, but then they cool down and are just bread. Ole Miss got out to one of the best starts in its history then cooled all the way down, falling to an “also ran” in the SEC West.
Butch Jones: Gravy
This was a little puzzling till Butch started talking about brick by brick again. Then it all made sense. When the gravy gets cold it sort of congeals in to a hard cement-like The gravy is the mortar that holds all of his bricks together. Or something.
Kevin Sumlin: Green bean casserole
Green bean casserole is delicious, if done right. When it’s hot and fresh out of the oven, it’s pretty tasty regardless. But, as the meal wears on and the heat wears off, that is when the true test of green bean casserole is measured. Can it stand the “eat while cool” test. In this case, it doesn’t. Sumiln threw a little flair on top and added those crispy onion straws, but he’ll need to go back to the drawing board next year and try a new recipe.
Gary Pinkel: Pumpkin pie
Gary was a little late to the party, but he finally made it. Pinkel brought pumpkin pie with him, because Missouri’s last two years have been really sweet in the SEC. Back-to-back SEC East division crowns is what Pinkel and the Tigers have on the brain during Thanksgiving dinner. Pinkel’s pie was store-bought, because he’s the only bachelor at the table.